Today, during the deep breathing, relaxation, and stretching of a Pilate's class, it hit me that New York City is my home. Way back when, I posted about finding the things in life that are right for you, one being your home. Back in March, when I wrote about my thoughts of living in NYC, I wasn't sure if this was the place for me. When we moved here, it was with the intention of being only temporary. Finding myself to be a single mother living in the city by myself, the thought of moving closer to my family had crossed my mind. However, I also found myself with the complete freedom to move anywhere I wanted. Although the idea was exhilarating, it was also very overwhelming as well. So, I decided to stay in NYC because I had a secure job here and I didn't know where I wanted go.
Those were my thoughts... almost a year ago. This past year (and I don't count the first few months after my husband's death, I was just in survival mode) was all about me healing. My healing consisted of being open and truly aware of all the had happened in my relationship with my husband, from beginning to end. I had to accept many things about our relationship and that acceptance had helped for me to find peace. The peace put to ease the many unanswered questions and feelings of guilt that lingered within me. Sadness, confusion, and yes even the guilt come back to me, but I have been able to let them come and let them go just as quickly. That is attributed to the second part of my healing, which was to find myself again. And I feel like I have. I am still a work in progress as I hope I will always be, but my core is well defined.
As I enter the second year of this blog, I feel as if my journey is moving on to a new chapter as well. Now that I am confident in who I am, it is time to put that into action. I have decided, apparently just tonight, that NYC is home. As I posted in "Home," there are many perks to living in NYC, however there are downfalls as well. I always thought that I would own my own home. I loved big old houses full of charm with two floors and lots of space. I wanted a decent sized yard big enough to play baseball with the kids, the dogs to run around, and a garden for some fresh veggies. Those are not very realistic wants for me in NYC. However, I already had that, atleast most of that. And at the time that I did, that was me and I loved my house and the home that my husband and I created there. However, when I think about who I am today, that is not me. So my dream needs to change with me as well. And that was hard, to give up that dream. But I had to, I have to. The dream doesn't match anymore and if I forced it, I wouldn't be happy living it.
What I have discovered and accepted in myself is that I like my home to be neat and orderly. However, it doesn't come easily or naturally for me to keep things tidy. Therefore, I function better in a small home (or apartment). I remember feeling overwhelmed in my house many times because it was so big, I felt like I was always cleaning. On top of that, I do not necessarily find joy in sprucing up the home. I love the end result, but the process... ugh. I would rather be out doing something with my son (and that is something that NYC does not lack in, things to do!). It would be great to have a big backyard to let my son run and do his boy things in, but at the same time, yards are a lot of work. I have been able to focus on myself and my son and not feel so overwhelmed by being alone, partly because I don't have a home I need to take constant care of. Believe you me, there have been plenty of times in which I just wanted to send my son out and watch him from afar. However, since I can't do that and the playground and open spaces here are so public, I need to be mindful of my son. I have to take an active part in his recreation, and that isn't such a bad thing. We spend alot of time playing and bonding together. (And I have the time to do it because I only have a little apartment to look after!) Another thing I have found in that I want to simplify things. After going through all of our storage last year, I realized that we had soo much stuff! Too much. I have tried to get rid of things that I do not use or like or want anymore. This is a difficult task in that I have kept many things as sentimental items of my husband for my son, and for me as well. I have found though as time has gone on that I have been able to release more. But, there will always be a stash, especially for my son who will one day be able to decide what he would like to keep or not keep. But truly, I want simple and clutter free (thanks Happiness Project!) and that compliments a little home nicely. The only true downfalls for me is the lack of any outside space and laundry, and this used bad floor planned apartment. How do I solve that? Move to a different apartment. A pain yes, but atleast I have an option.
So having said all of that, I think that I have accepted that my dream of a house and yard and the bringing up like I had in that respect are no longer part of my dream. My dream can always change. But right now, my dream reflects who I am. And who I am today is a person who feels like right now, she is where she is supposed to be, Home Sweet Brooklyn!
Those were my thoughts... almost a year ago. This past year (and I don't count the first few months after my husband's death, I was just in survival mode) was all about me healing. My healing consisted of being open and truly aware of all the had happened in my relationship with my husband, from beginning to end. I had to accept many things about our relationship and that acceptance had helped for me to find peace. The peace put to ease the many unanswered questions and feelings of guilt that lingered within me. Sadness, confusion, and yes even the guilt come back to me, but I have been able to let them come and let them go just as quickly. That is attributed to the second part of my healing, which was to find myself again. And I feel like I have. I am still a work in progress as I hope I will always be, but my core is well defined.
As I enter the second year of this blog, I feel as if my journey is moving on to a new chapter as well. Now that I am confident in who I am, it is time to put that into action. I have decided, apparently just tonight, that NYC is home. As I posted in "Home," there are many perks to living in NYC, however there are downfalls as well. I always thought that I would own my own home. I loved big old houses full of charm with two floors and lots of space. I wanted a decent sized yard big enough to play baseball with the kids, the dogs to run around, and a garden for some fresh veggies. Those are not very realistic wants for me in NYC. However, I already had that, atleast most of that. And at the time that I did, that was me and I loved my house and the home that my husband and I created there. However, when I think about who I am today, that is not me. So my dream needs to change with me as well. And that was hard, to give up that dream. But I had to, I have to. The dream doesn't match anymore and if I forced it, I wouldn't be happy living it.
What I have discovered and accepted in myself is that I like my home to be neat and orderly. However, it doesn't come easily or naturally for me to keep things tidy. Therefore, I function better in a small home (or apartment). I remember feeling overwhelmed in my house many times because it was so big, I felt like I was always cleaning. On top of that, I do not necessarily find joy in sprucing up the home. I love the end result, but the process... ugh. I would rather be out doing something with my son (and that is something that NYC does not lack in, things to do!). It would be great to have a big backyard to let my son run and do his boy things in, but at the same time, yards are a lot of work. I have been able to focus on myself and my son and not feel so overwhelmed by being alone, partly because I don't have a home I need to take constant care of. Believe you me, there have been plenty of times in which I just wanted to send my son out and watch him from afar. However, since I can't do that and the playground and open spaces here are so public, I need to be mindful of my son. I have to take an active part in his recreation, and that isn't such a bad thing. We spend alot of time playing and bonding together. (And I have the time to do it because I only have a little apartment to look after!) Another thing I have found in that I want to simplify things. After going through all of our storage last year, I realized that we had soo much stuff! Too much. I have tried to get rid of things that I do not use or like or want anymore. This is a difficult task in that I have kept many things as sentimental items of my husband for my son, and for me as well. I have found though as time has gone on that I have been able to release more. But, there will always be a stash, especially for my son who will one day be able to decide what he would like to keep or not keep. But truly, I want simple and clutter free (thanks Happiness Project!) and that compliments a little home nicely. The only true downfalls for me is the lack of any outside space and laundry, and this used bad floor planned apartment. How do I solve that? Move to a different apartment. A pain yes, but atleast I have an option.
So having said all of that, I think that I have accepted that my dream of a house and yard and the bringing up like I had in that respect are no longer part of my dream. My dream can always change. But right now, my dream reflects who I am. And who I am today is a person who feels like right now, she is where she is supposed to be, Home Sweet Brooklyn!
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