Monday, December 10, 2012

Ghosts of Birthdays Passed

There is a reason, I know, that the holidays are especially hard when you are missing a loved one.  Not too long ago, I posted about that.  Those "special" days help vivid memories to surface.  It took the simple act of me twisting my ring around my finger to muster up some of my own memories of birthdays (since I just celebrated mine yesterday) spent with my husband.

Our first, my 19th, was 15 years ago!  Eesh, that makes me sound old!  We had just recently met and I remember celebrating with my friends in my dorm room.  I remember the blue sweater and gray cords I was wearing and the grey sweater, jeans, and hat he was wearing (I have pictures too.).  He gave me an Irish Claddagh ring and a little plaid bear.  I remember lots of laughing with him and my friends.  I also remember a "strip" tease he attempt to give to me, but only made it to taking off his sweater (and that was the late nineties when everyone wore layers and layers!) so I didn't see too much, lol. 

For my 21st birthday, he took me out to dinner, Jack Astor's.  I remember the waiters made me stand on my chair as they sang "Happy Birthday" to me.  I was fifty shades of red!  He didn't come out with me that night, he wanted me to have fun with the girls.  And that I did!  I don't remember my gift, perhaps that was the year he gave me a Lladro.  But I was happy.

Things were not going so well for us around that time of my 22nd birthday.  I remember opening up my gifts at his apartment.  It was just the two of us.  I don't remember what we did before... but that was the year that he gave me his grandmother's engagement ring.  He didn't propose then!  His grandparents had owned a jewelry store back in the day.  And earlier that year, his grandmother passed away.  Since his grandfather had already passed, the remaining jewelry was divided among the family.  He was given a (nontraditional) diamond ring and he gave that to me.  I knew it meant alot to him and that it meant alot for him to give it to me.  About five months later, we were engaged, with my own ring. 

My 25th birthday was my first living in Virginia and my second as a married lady.  We went out to dinner at The Olive Garden.  We later picked out our Christmas tree and decorated it listening to Christmas music.  I remember thinking that I loved that birthday.  It was simple and perfect and I spent it with my little family... my husband and my two dogs.  That was a happy day!

My 30th birthday was spent here in NYC.  I remember the red dress, the black shoes, and the fancy earring that he bought for me.  I wore them to work (a bit overdressed, yes) and then he picked me up and we went into the city for dinner.  We went to Little Italy to be exact, Pellegrino's, and my dinner was superb!  We also went to a sex shop afterwards and bought some "furniture"/wedges.  I remember not being so jazzed about that, it wasn't really what I wanted for my birthday... But it did later lead to our son, lol.  (Sorry I went there!)

Two years ago, for my 32nd birthday, things were different.  He didn't take off of work or have the night off like he always did for my birthday.  He had presents for me.  They were not wrapped, but left in the bags that he had bought them in and they were left on the bed.  I didn't have cake.  That December, two years ago, that's when things became apparent to me that things were just not right. 

Last year, was my first without him.  My parents came up for that weekend.  I don't remember what we did.  I just remember that they were here and that it was nice so that I didn't feel alone. 

Yesterday, now marked the second year without him.  My brother and my cousin came up for the weekend.  We spent part of the day in the city on Saturday and went out for dinner Saturday night.  Our after dinner plans didn't work out as planned.  But I laughed alot and had a really good time.  They made me breakfast yesterday morning, which was really sweet.  My guy, whom I haven't mentioned too recently, but have in A Touch of Warmth, Kinks, Exposed... that guy... well, I thought he would have been part of my 34th.  But as I posted yesterday, things often don't work out as planned and I spend last night eating sushi, cake, and chocolate wine by myself... and my blog. 

It's funny what our perceptions are and what memories we carry with us.  Yesterday was not the happiest of birthdays for me.  But I wonder how I will view yesterday in a year from now.  Will it eventually turn into one of those years that I skip over because I don't remember anything significant about it?  Or will it impress me in a way yet to be determined?  All that I am certain of right now though is that memories are a treasure, a gift.  

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