Not so long ago I posted "A Peaceful Lull" where I shared my feelings of being at ease. That was only ten days ago and at that time I felt that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I still do feel that way, however what is tugging at both my brain and my heart is the unknown. Although I have built a world that I love and find so many happinesses, the reality is that I am still alone. All of my learning and progress and building myself up has not yet led to finding someone. It is disheartening and it is lonely. But that doesn't compare to what I feel now that my son is fully aware that he does not have a daddy.
I have always valued, appreciated, and never undermined the importance of a father figure in any child's life. Dale was wonderful with our son and I know that has played a huge role in my son's disposition. However, his absence has left a hole. A big hole that my son is now old enough to recognize. My son always found it easy to immediately warm up to men. However, I have gradually watched my son attach to men. At first it was just family... my father, my brother, my brother-in-law and I appreciated their love and male influences on my son. In the past few months though, I have noticed his attachment to other men. Unfamiliar men. For example, we went to my friend's Labor Day picnic and my son attached himself to the other fathers there. He wanted to play with them more than the children, even me. The worst was a couple of weeks of ago when we were at the playground. There was a father and his son who was about 2 years old. My son had very little interest in this little boy, but talked and talked to this man. He wanted this man to play with him. The man was very kind, but it left me feeling a bit uncomfortable because my son was so open to and with this stranger and all because he was a man.
There are still pictures of Dale around the apartment. We still say our goodnight prayer to him each night. And up until this summer, my son would only pay attention to these things off and on, mostly off. Occasionally, he would ask about his father and where he was. I told him from very early on that he father died and explained what that meant. When our dog died in April, I think that gave my son a clearer idea of what dead means because he was old enough to understand even just a bit. Now, it has become multiple times a week (at bedtime) when he will ask me where his daddy is. He asks me why he can't see him. He is old enough to recognize and understand that other children have fathers and that he doesn't. He can't fully make all of the connections and understand why that is though. It is heartbreaking.
My son is also old enough now where he can story tell. He has an imagination and he can create and share stories. I cannot count how many times in the past month or so that he has told me the story of making pancakes with his father. He consistently sticks to this story and only changes the color of the pancakes that they made. My son was 20 months... he has no concrete memory. However, I have fully supported this story. It's all he has that is his own. I tell him that his father made delicious pancakes. I tell him how he really like to make pies. And then I ask him if he wants to make pancakes with me like he did with his father. And we have. We have made orange pancakes and blue pancakes. Tomorrow we will make yellow.
In July, I finally completed the photo album for my son of him and his father. It had taken me so long because it was so difficult to do and I didn't feel pressure because my son rarely asked about him nor did he show much interest in looking at pictures or videos. Tonight was the first time he looked at the book with me. He had been asking me about his father again and I asked (as I always do) if he wanted to look at pictures and this time he said yes. It was a double edged sword looking at that book with him. It was so nice to look at the two of them together. It was so nice to bring those memories back to life by sharing them with my son. At the same time, the first thing my son said was, "I was a baby." And he was. And he still was with the last picture. And that is extremely sad and painful.
I can't help but to begin to feel a little impatient. I can't help but to resent the unknown. Even though I do know that there will be an amazing man joining our little family again one day, I know that time is precious. I treasure my time with my son. But just as he is fully aware that he doesn't have a father in his life, I am fully aware of that void that all of my love can never fill. He grows older and smarter each day and he is missing out. And that makes me very sad for him.
There is no way that the feelings that my son has and the feelings that I have about this situation is going to cause me to rush, force, or settle into any relationship. In many ways I feel that I need to be more cautious, especially if it ever comes time to for them to meet. Last year at this time, I was comfortable with a casual meet up in the early stages. I cannot do that now. My son will become attached too quickly and easily. I can't help but to feel some pressure.
I want nothing more than to give my son the gift (to help create and support) of self acceptance... inner love and peace. A father is a critical piece to that equation. I want that for my son. I also want for him to see and to be part of a dynamic family. That piece is critical too.
I know things will happen. But I do hope that they happen sooner than later. My son and I are both feeling a cool breeze of absence.
I have always valued, appreciated, and never undermined the importance of a father figure in any child's life. Dale was wonderful with our son and I know that has played a huge role in my son's disposition. However, his absence has left a hole. A big hole that my son is now old enough to recognize. My son always found it easy to immediately warm up to men. However, I have gradually watched my son attach to men. At first it was just family... my father, my brother, my brother-in-law and I appreciated their love and male influences on my son. In the past few months though, I have noticed his attachment to other men. Unfamiliar men. For example, we went to my friend's Labor Day picnic and my son attached himself to the other fathers there. He wanted to play with them more than the children, even me. The worst was a couple of weeks of ago when we were at the playground. There was a father and his son who was about 2 years old. My son had very little interest in this little boy, but talked and talked to this man. He wanted this man to play with him. The man was very kind, but it left me feeling a bit uncomfortable because my son was so open to and with this stranger and all because he was a man.
There are still pictures of Dale around the apartment. We still say our goodnight prayer to him each night. And up until this summer, my son would only pay attention to these things off and on, mostly off. Occasionally, he would ask about his father and where he was. I told him from very early on that he father died and explained what that meant. When our dog died in April, I think that gave my son a clearer idea of what dead means because he was old enough to understand even just a bit. Now, it has become multiple times a week (at bedtime) when he will ask me where his daddy is. He asks me why he can't see him. He is old enough to recognize and understand that other children have fathers and that he doesn't. He can't fully make all of the connections and understand why that is though. It is heartbreaking.
My son is also old enough now where he can story tell. He has an imagination and he can create and share stories. I cannot count how many times in the past month or so that he has told me the story of making pancakes with his father. He consistently sticks to this story and only changes the color of the pancakes that they made. My son was 20 months... he has no concrete memory. However, I have fully supported this story. It's all he has that is his own. I tell him that his father made delicious pancakes. I tell him how he really like to make pies. And then I ask him if he wants to make pancakes with me like he did with his father. And we have. We have made orange pancakes and blue pancakes. Tomorrow we will make yellow.
In July, I finally completed the photo album for my son of him and his father. It had taken me so long because it was so difficult to do and I didn't feel pressure because my son rarely asked about him nor did he show much interest in looking at pictures or videos. Tonight was the first time he looked at the book with me. He had been asking me about his father again and I asked (as I always do) if he wanted to look at pictures and this time he said yes. It was a double edged sword looking at that book with him. It was so nice to look at the two of them together. It was so nice to bring those memories back to life by sharing them with my son. At the same time, the first thing my son said was, "I was a baby." And he was. And he still was with the last picture. And that is extremely sad and painful.
I can't help but to begin to feel a little impatient. I can't help but to resent the unknown. Even though I do know that there will be an amazing man joining our little family again one day, I know that time is precious. I treasure my time with my son. But just as he is fully aware that he doesn't have a father in his life, I am fully aware of that void that all of my love can never fill. He grows older and smarter each day and he is missing out. And that makes me very sad for him.
There is no way that the feelings that my son has and the feelings that I have about this situation is going to cause me to rush, force, or settle into any relationship. In many ways I feel that I need to be more cautious, especially if it ever comes time to for them to meet. Last year at this time, I was comfortable with a casual meet up in the early stages. I cannot do that now. My son will become attached too quickly and easily. I can't help but to feel some pressure.
I want nothing more than to give my son the gift (to help create and support) of self acceptance... inner love and peace. A father is a critical piece to that equation. I want that for my son. I also want for him to see and to be part of a dynamic family. That piece is critical too.
I know things will happen. But I do hope that they happen sooner than later. My son and I are both feeling a cool breeze of absence.
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