One year ago today I met Jesse for about 30 minutes at a coffee shop and when I did I immediately felt something. That something grew to the point where I found him to be amazing. I had even began to wonder if he was my amazing, but then things abruptly ended. I never got a real answer and I have been left to assume, which isn't good either, but its better than being in limbo.
I just had to mention him because he's been on my mind. In all honesty, I am not sure if there has been a day in this past year that he hasn't crossed it. For the longest time, I thought it was him. It made no sense to me that it should take so much longer to get over a person than the actual time you spent with him. So I thought it was really him, the person that I just felt this amazing connection with. But how could that be? Since I have nothing else, my assumptions have led me to believe that I was a rebound. That basically means that it didn't mean anything to him. Nothing. I'm sure he appreciates what I did for him. But he has probably long forgotten me. That is such a tough pill to swallow. And it makes me angry... how dare he. And it makes me confused. Why does he still cross my mind... when I know how to move on? when I don't attach so quickly and easily with others? when he did what he did to me? when I have spoken to and met so many other men? when it has been so long ago already?
It's the feeling. I'm stuck on a feeling. And I can't detach it from him because he has been the only person who has ever made me feel that way. I didn't even feel it with Dale. I have wanted so badly to meet someone who made me feel it. I was open to so many different people. I even became pickier and found myself with a man who was exactly the man I wanted to date. I even went out on multiple dates with him hoping that I could feel it with him too, but that maybe it wouldn't show up right away or in the same exact way, but that it could and would exist. That isn't going to happen (that story for another post). So I'm stuck. Not on Jesse, but the feeling.
Not so long ago, I put up a poll and I wrote a post about it. I had wondered what the desired feeling would be when meeting someone. This question came about by the two different feelings that I felt when I met Jesse compared to what I felt when I met my "perfect date." My "perfect date" was alluring. He was not uncomfortable, but I didn't feel completely at ease with him. He was like that beautiful modern home that you just can't quite settle into. Jesse's word was warm and I felt at home with him. That's what I want.
I want the loneliness of a complicated world and a busy life to be at ease when I am with that someone. I want to feel the warmth and comfort of being at home when and wherever I am with him. Actually, I should no longer call these wants. If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that these are needs. And I have just switched from Team Edward to Team Jacob (I know, so 2010!)
Jesse... I actually got a lot out of him. I needed him in my life. He brought out major insecurities and issues that I had yet to deal with, but that I needed to in order to move on. He broke down so many of those scary walls of first timing it again. And he showed me what I need to feel in a relationship.
It's hard to separate the two. The person from the feeling. But that person also created many other feelings that were not pleasant. Unfortunately, that is what I need to remember so that I can continue to journey on until I once again not only find that feeling of home, but a place to call home too.
I just had to mention him because he's been on my mind. In all honesty, I am not sure if there has been a day in this past year that he hasn't crossed it. For the longest time, I thought it was him. It made no sense to me that it should take so much longer to get over a person than the actual time you spent with him. So I thought it was really him, the person that I just felt this amazing connection with. But how could that be? Since I have nothing else, my assumptions have led me to believe that I was a rebound. That basically means that it didn't mean anything to him. Nothing. I'm sure he appreciates what I did for him. But he has probably long forgotten me. That is such a tough pill to swallow. And it makes me angry... how dare he. And it makes me confused. Why does he still cross my mind... when I know how to move on? when I don't attach so quickly and easily with others? when he did what he did to me? when I have spoken to and met so many other men? when it has been so long ago already?
It's the feeling. I'm stuck on a feeling. And I can't detach it from him because he has been the only person who has ever made me feel that way. I didn't even feel it with Dale. I have wanted so badly to meet someone who made me feel it. I was open to so many different people. I even became pickier and found myself with a man who was exactly the man I wanted to date. I even went out on multiple dates with him hoping that I could feel it with him too, but that maybe it wouldn't show up right away or in the same exact way, but that it could and would exist. That isn't going to happen (that story for another post). So I'm stuck. Not on Jesse, but the feeling.
Not so long ago, I put up a poll and I wrote a post about it. I had wondered what the desired feeling would be when meeting someone. This question came about by the two different feelings that I felt when I met Jesse compared to what I felt when I met my "perfect date." My "perfect date" was alluring. He was not uncomfortable, but I didn't feel completely at ease with him. He was like that beautiful modern home that you just can't quite settle into. Jesse's word was warm and I felt at home with him. That's what I want.
I want the loneliness of a complicated world and a busy life to be at ease when I am with that someone. I want to feel the warmth and comfort of being at home when and wherever I am with him. Actually, I should no longer call these wants. If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that these are needs. And I have just switched from Team Edward to Team Jacob (I know, so 2010!)
Jesse... I actually got a lot out of him. I needed him in my life. He brought out major insecurities and issues that I had yet to deal with, but that I needed to in order to move on. He broke down so many of those scary walls of first timing it again. And he showed me what I need to feel in a relationship.
It's hard to separate the two. The person from the feeling. But that person also created many other feelings that were not pleasant. Unfortunately, that is what I need to remember so that I can continue to journey on until I once again not only find that feeling of home, but a place to call home too.
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