When I saw the rainbow out of my plane window on my way to Portland this summer, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It wasn't just that I felt I was at the right place at the right time in that moment, it was more than that. It was everything that had led me to that moment... my decisions, my thoughts, my feelings... my beliefs. It was an incredible feeling to know that I essentially created that moment by trusting my gut.
I lost sight of that when I began to slope this week and felt sorry for myself. Power. Control. I need to feel that I have that over my life. I find comfort in having options and the freedom to make decisions for myself. I also lost sight of the fact that at any given time during the past two and a half years, I always had what I needed to get me through even the most difficult of times. Sometimes I had to look harder than others, but it was always there. I had lost sight of what has gotten me this far.
I was at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens (one of my favorite places here) yesterday when I slowed down, opened my eyes, and had my epiphany.
It revolves around people. People come and go in our lives constantly. Some are permanent, some stay for awhile, and most leave. It's not necessarily the length of the visit, but the impact that they have on you and that is something that cannot be predicted. That is where the risk lies and the poetic beauty begins.
This past week two individuals invited themselves into my life. Of course, I cannot predict what will develop and what their impact will be, but at this moment, when I am looking for something... I couldn't help but to want to accept these invitations for if nothing else, to open the door for the unknown opportunity of something.
My first... last Saturday, I sold my husband's dresser on Craigslist. It was old and small. It wasn't functional and I don't have extra room to store a dresser. There had been so many times when he just wanted to put it out on the street, which made me feel better... but the fact that he never did, made it hard for me to do this at the same time. I cannot keep everything. There are some things I will not part with. There are things I was able to get rid of with just a bit of angst. And then there are those pieces like this that are somewhere in between and I am finding that as time moves on, so are these pieces. They need to, but they are becoming less and less and it becomes more and more difficult in letting go.
There was actually a good amount of interest in this dresser and I decided to go in the order of who contacted me first. But then I got a phone call. They were #2 in line. But when the man spoke to me, I liked him. He had a warm voice. Come to find out, he and his wife were expecting their first child and they wanted to use the dresser as a changing table. Perfect! What better way to get rid of a sentimental piece than to know that it will become sentimental to the next owner as well. I said yes and they came the next day.
They were a very cute, very nice couple. I helped the man carry the dresser downstairs because of course his wife was pregnant. And as he loaded up the truck, I talked to the woman. In a matter of 10 minutes we shared our miscarriage stories, our connection to Rochester, different places we have lived in NYC, and my loss of my husband and her loss of her mother both two years ago. As they left, she told me that she was a hairdresser and that she did hair from home. Weirdly enough, that was the most out of place comment. I took that as her way of inviting herself into my life. It was just up to me to invite her in. I have not yet done it, but I am going to contact her tomorrow. Isn't it just a nice thought to think that perhaps my getting rid of Dale's dresser could lead me to meeting two seemingly wonderful people?
The second invitation came from The Professor. I failed to mention this the other day in "The Professor" because at that time, I was planning on ignoring it. When he told me that he couldn't give me the serious relationship that I wanted because of his time restraints, he did say that he was open to still getting to know me. I didn't know what that meant, but I didn't think it was to my benefit, so I never responded to that. Then came my epiphany and it changed my thoughts.
A time restricted, agenda free, nondate date when I don't have a date... that is what I asked him if that is what he was offering when I texted him today. And yes he was. My epiphany reminded me that I may not have control over meeting that person that I want to meet so very much, but I do have control over those other people who want in. I do have power and I do have control. I have also had what I needed at any given time... so maybe The Professor is not the one that I am looking for. But maybe his place is best as a friend, which is what he offered to me. And why not? He was that person I wanted to meet, to a tee in fact. He is interesting. He is someone that I can get dressed up (which I love to do so much) to go out with, now not to impress, but because that is how he presents himself too. He is still nice to look at and someone that boosts your ego sitting or walking with on a nondate night out. I know he can't give me what I want and I know that I deserve all that I want and because of that, I feel like a switch has been turned off. He will not impede my grueling determination to continue on with online dating and any other avenue to meet more men and generate more dates. But when I don't have a date, I don't have to feel so alone because perhaps I may just have another :). I have no agenda... other than to find out why he is one of those people who is staying a bit longer.
It's paying attention to little things and having an open mind to help you see them. Perhaps I am wrong, but I won't know that until things start to play out. I can say that I felt happy today after my conversation with The Professor. I never could determine where I stood or how I felt about him before... but it felt right and it made sense for him to be where he is now. And as for the cute couple... I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow. A hairdresser... of all things! You know how much help I need in that department!!!
I lost sight of that when I began to slope this week and felt sorry for myself. Power. Control. I need to feel that I have that over my life. I find comfort in having options and the freedom to make decisions for myself. I also lost sight of the fact that at any given time during the past two and a half years, I always had what I needed to get me through even the most difficult of times. Sometimes I had to look harder than others, but it was always there. I had lost sight of what has gotten me this far.
I was at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens (one of my favorite places here) yesterday when I slowed down, opened my eyes, and had my epiphany.
It revolves around people. People come and go in our lives constantly. Some are permanent, some stay for awhile, and most leave. It's not necessarily the length of the visit, but the impact that they have on you and that is something that cannot be predicted. That is where the risk lies and the poetic beauty begins.
This past week two individuals invited themselves into my life. Of course, I cannot predict what will develop and what their impact will be, but at this moment, when I am looking for something... I couldn't help but to want to accept these invitations for if nothing else, to open the door for the unknown opportunity of something.
My first... last Saturday, I sold my husband's dresser on Craigslist. It was old and small. It wasn't functional and I don't have extra room to store a dresser. There had been so many times when he just wanted to put it out on the street, which made me feel better... but the fact that he never did, made it hard for me to do this at the same time. I cannot keep everything. There are some things I will not part with. There are things I was able to get rid of with just a bit of angst. And then there are those pieces like this that are somewhere in between and I am finding that as time moves on, so are these pieces. They need to, but they are becoming less and less and it becomes more and more difficult in letting go.
There was actually a good amount of interest in this dresser and I decided to go in the order of who contacted me first. But then I got a phone call. They were #2 in line. But when the man spoke to me, I liked him. He had a warm voice. Come to find out, he and his wife were expecting their first child and they wanted to use the dresser as a changing table. Perfect! What better way to get rid of a sentimental piece than to know that it will become sentimental to the next owner as well. I said yes and they came the next day.
They were a very cute, very nice couple. I helped the man carry the dresser downstairs because of course his wife was pregnant. And as he loaded up the truck, I talked to the woman. In a matter of 10 minutes we shared our miscarriage stories, our connection to Rochester, different places we have lived in NYC, and my loss of my husband and her loss of her mother both two years ago. As they left, she told me that she was a hairdresser and that she did hair from home. Weirdly enough, that was the most out of place comment. I took that as her way of inviting herself into my life. It was just up to me to invite her in. I have not yet done it, but I am going to contact her tomorrow. Isn't it just a nice thought to think that perhaps my getting rid of Dale's dresser could lead me to meeting two seemingly wonderful people?
The second invitation came from The Professor. I failed to mention this the other day in "The Professor" because at that time, I was planning on ignoring it. When he told me that he couldn't give me the serious relationship that I wanted because of his time restraints, he did say that he was open to still getting to know me. I didn't know what that meant, but I didn't think it was to my benefit, so I never responded to that. Then came my epiphany and it changed my thoughts.
A time restricted, agenda free, nondate date when I don't have a date... that is what I asked him if that is what he was offering when I texted him today. And yes he was. My epiphany reminded me that I may not have control over meeting that person that I want to meet so very much, but I do have control over those other people who want in. I do have power and I do have control. I have also had what I needed at any given time... so maybe The Professor is not the one that I am looking for. But maybe his place is best as a friend, which is what he offered to me. And why not? He was that person I wanted to meet, to a tee in fact. He is interesting. He is someone that I can get dressed up (which I love to do so much) to go out with, now not to impress, but because that is how he presents himself too. He is still nice to look at and someone that boosts your ego sitting or walking with on a nondate night out. I know he can't give me what I want and I know that I deserve all that I want and because of that, I feel like a switch has been turned off. He will not impede my grueling determination to continue on with online dating and any other avenue to meet more men and generate more dates. But when I don't have a date, I don't have to feel so alone because perhaps I may just have another :). I have no agenda... other than to find out why he is one of those people who is staying a bit longer.
It's paying attention to little things and having an open mind to help you see them. Perhaps I am wrong, but I won't know that until things start to play out. I can say that I felt happy today after my conversation with The Professor. I never could determine where I stood or how I felt about him before... but it felt right and it made sense for him to be where he is now. And as for the cute couple... I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow. A hairdresser... of all things! You know how much help I need in that department!!!
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