Thursday, October 31, 2013

Maintaining

As I venture on further into this third year, and this new part of my life that I felt I entered this summer, I only realize now that I think what it's all about right now for me is maintaining. 

Maintaining, that is often harder than the process itself, isn't it?  I have known people who have dieted who would agree with that.  It's easier to loose the weight than to keep it off.  If you Google maintaining, guess what comes up first?  None other than erectile dysfunction.  I guess that means that there are many men who would also agree that maintaining something can be a difficult task.  And to those that do?  Well, in sports, we call them a dynasty! 

All I want is to be able to maintain what I have built and created for myself in these past few years.  Most certainly I would like to continue to learn and to grow and to evolve, but I feel that is a difficult task if you cannot maintain that foundation that you began to build yourself upon in the first place. 

I do feel different.  I have since the summer.  I'm not sure what it was that "changed" me other than perhaps time itself.  In some ways it is not a bad thing.  Certain feelings have dulled.  The pain and horrific memories are not as sharp.  But along with that other positive thoughts and feelings seemed to have dulled as well.  Case in point, my writing. I felt I haven't been able to find the right words for quite some time now.  My thoughts and feelings surrounding the blog posts don't seem to be as sharp either.  

I do not feel like I am lost.  I do not feel as though I have regressed.  I just feel that I am no longer under the blanket that covered me and protected me during the past two years.  As I just typed that last sentence, I was reminded of a quote that I had wanted to use in June when I first heard it, but never did.  I think this is where it belongs...

“Mom says each of us has a veil between ourselves and the rest of the world, like a bride wears on her wedding day, except this kind of veil is invisible. We walk around happily with these invisible veils hanging down over our faces. The world is kind of blurry, and we like it that way. But sometimes our veils are pushed away for a few moments, like there's a wind blowing it from our faces. And when the veil lifts, we can see the world as it really is, just for those few seconds before it settles down again. We see all the beauty, and cruelty, and sadness, and love. But mostly we are happy not to. Some people learn to lift the veil themselves. Then they don't have to depend on the wind anymore.”
Rebecca Stead, When You Reach Me 

Back in June when I first read this, I thought that my veil had been lifted.  I saw all the cruelty and sadness in the world and yet, I still was able to see the beauty as well.  I think now that it was only the wind.  It was a harsh, cruel wind, but it was the wind nonetheless.

Perhaps the reason why I have felt so challenged lately is because I am being challenged.  I feel that my blanket, my veil has been removed.  It is and has been more difficult to remain optimistic at times and I have let that effect me. 

When there is a tragedy... 9/11, Hurricane Sandy... there is that brief time when you see the horrors that people endure.  But along with that you see the utter beauty of the human spirit as well in the way people band together and help each other.  But, after time, that fades.  We forget.  Things go back to normal. 

In my case, if I am now in that fading stage... I don't want to.  Even if that means the pain is less, I would rather maintain the sharpness of all my feelings.  I don't want to loose them.  I don't want to loose what I learned and appreciated only through having experienced what I had.  I don't want to go back to "normal", back behind the veil. 

 I want to be able to see the world as it is yet still to be able maintain the way in which I want to live my life in this crazy world of ours... optimistic and happy to be a part of it all.   

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