Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Stepping Outside of My Comfort Zone

There has been a great deal of growth for me in the past two plus years.  That couldn't have occurred had I never ventured out of my comfort zone.  This blog was probably my first.  I know that I have remained anonymous, however, the words that I share are completely genuine and my truth.  It took awhile to get used to, sharing them with virtual strangers.  Even the friendships that I now have took some stepping outside of my comfort zone in order to develop.  Traveling alone.  Joining a meet up group for single mothers... belly dancing... all outside of my once small, tight box of comfort.  I've pushed limits and I am better for it.  I know that I still need to continue to push myself as I want to continue learning, growing, and living.  However,  these are all examples of pushing the limits in areas outside of an intimate relationship.

Frustrated, yes.  But, I have also become comfortable in my "love" life.  I have yet to be challenged by anyone.  I mean... I have been challenged with my patience.  I have been challenged to trust my gut.  But I haven't been challenged in a deeper sense... in a way in which I need to face all of my insecurities.  In some ways, I did face some of these with Jesse.  However, Jesse was warm.  He was comfortable.  He didn't necessarily take me outside of my comfort zone to push my limits. 

I think my New Yorker will.  I think he is a challenge.  I don't mean that I view him as a conquest... I'm not determined to make him fall in love with me (atleast not yet, lol).  He's already made it clear that he is quite "smitten" with me.  But, there is something about him that makes me a bit uncomfortable.   I don't mean that in a negative or bad way.  He has acted like nothing but a gentleman towards me.  I mean uncomfortable in a sense that I can't stay where I am and have this develop into something.  I need to step out.

Today I met him for date 2.5.  Lol, we met for about an hour or so for coffee.  He's definitely someone who just puts it out there.  He is who he is, no shame at all.  He is a talker.  He is social.  He is full of personality.  FULL!  And although I admire all of those qualities, it is also poses a challenge to me because I am such a mild version of all of that. 

I function very well on my own because when there is no one else around, I know how to step it up.  However, when there is someone else... I take the back seat.  I've done this repeatedly in my life... when I played sports, when I taught with other teachers, in my marriage.  It's not always a bad thing, but it can be.  It was in my marriage and I can't do that again.  NYer's big personality makes it all the more tempting for me to take that back seat.  But I know that I need to push myself and join him with the reigns.  That's going to take a conscious effort on my part as I have already begun to see myself taking a step back.

He is definitely the talker, but I was very quiet today.  This was partly because I was actually self reflecting as this .5 date was going on.  He asked me today if I'd like to spend New Year's with him, if I didn't already have plans.  He likes me :).  But, as I was listening to him talk and smile at me and wink at me,  I couldn't help but to wonder why.  I don't mean that in a self pity, no self esteem kind of way.  I had wondered that because I was disappointed in how I was presenting myself.  I haven't really told him a whole lot about myself.  And what I did tell him, I didn't elaborate well and I have actually been selling myself short by my lack of verbality (that's not a word, but I like it!).  I haven't been owning myself and I think it's because I have seen him as a challenge before I even knew it.  And I have backed down without even realizing it.  :(

The good thing... he likes me.  And I have another chance on our 1.0 date tomorrow night.  I owe it to myself to step out of my comfort zone and really own my thoughts and opinions and to just share myself fully.  I have been completely honest with him in all that I have shared, but what I have shared has been half-assed.  I don't know who this guy is and what he will become to me.  What I do know and what he probably doesn't,  is that if I let him, he's going to take me outside those walls of comfort.

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