In 2007, just before we moved to New York, I found a letter in the garage. It was a letter written by my husband... a goodbye letter. There was no date and I had no idea when it had been written. I confronted my husband immediately. And to be completely honest... I have no recollection of this conversation. You would think that would be something that would be impressed into your memory. For me, I think it was part of all the emotional trauma that has been suppressed within my mind.
The Letter was something that I took and held on to. I tucked it away in a place that I couldn't remember and I hadn't seen it since. I had wondered if it had gotten lost in our two big moves. Or if it was somewhere in one of the many things that I had to let go. The Letter showed up just before Thanksgiving when I was cleaning out the storage room. I had stuck it in a book filled with greeting cards. This letter, The Letter, may well be one of the most important items that I have from Dale.
The Letter is addressed to "Dear Reader." In this letter there is no mention to or about me. There is no mention to or about anyone in his family. There is no mention to or about our son because this letter was written atleast two years before he was ever born. The words express Dale's exhaustion. His desire to sleep. His relationship with God. As heart wrenching as it is and was to read it now, nearly 7 years later after it was written and nearly 3 years after his death, there is a great deal of comfort in it as well. He did leave me a video, his last words to me. However, they are not comforting. The Letter is.
In The Letter, Dale mentioned only two specific things from his life. Our dogs. It seems almost fitting that they both joined him so soon after. I imagine that they all found one another. I imagine that with Dale's love for exploration and the border collies' endless energy that they are all happily together and on the move doing things that I cannot even imagine. <3
My son, belongs with me. And when the time comes, this is a letter that I will share with him. And I do hope that it will bring him some peace over what will be a very painful and confusing revelation. I dread that day. But, it will be a day that will one day be here. Sooner than I would like to think.
I wasn't sure if or when I would write about The Letter. However, after yesterday's post, I felt this belonged next. The fear that I expressed yesterday is real and it is valid. What is worse than finding a letter such as this, is that someone actually wrote it and meant every word. That someone had a name, a son, a wife, a family... a life. That's the tragedy. And I want for my son to never have a passing thought such as the ones his father expressed. But I have to admit that I am thankful now for it and it did bring me some more peace. I only hope that it will bring that same peace to my son one day when he is old enough to hear the truth about this father's death.
The Letter was something that I took and held on to. I tucked it away in a place that I couldn't remember and I hadn't seen it since. I had wondered if it had gotten lost in our two big moves. Or if it was somewhere in one of the many things that I had to let go. The Letter showed up just before Thanksgiving when I was cleaning out the storage room. I had stuck it in a book filled with greeting cards. This letter, The Letter, may well be one of the most important items that I have from Dale.
The Letter is addressed to "Dear Reader." In this letter there is no mention to or about me. There is no mention to or about anyone in his family. There is no mention to or about our son because this letter was written atleast two years before he was ever born. The words express Dale's exhaustion. His desire to sleep. His relationship with God. As heart wrenching as it is and was to read it now, nearly 7 years later after it was written and nearly 3 years after his death, there is a great deal of comfort in it as well. He did leave me a video, his last words to me. However, they are not comforting. The Letter is.
In The Letter, Dale mentioned only two specific things from his life. Our dogs. It seems almost fitting that they both joined him so soon after. I imagine that they all found one another. I imagine that with Dale's love for exploration and the border collies' endless energy that they are all happily together and on the move doing things that I cannot even imagine. <3
My son, belongs with me. And when the time comes, this is a letter that I will share with him. And I do hope that it will bring him some peace over what will be a very painful and confusing revelation. I dread that day. But, it will be a day that will one day be here. Sooner than I would like to think.
I wasn't sure if or when I would write about The Letter. However, after yesterday's post, I felt this belonged next. The fear that I expressed yesterday is real and it is valid. What is worse than finding a letter such as this, is that someone actually wrote it and meant every word. That someone had a name, a son, a wife, a family... a life. That's the tragedy. And I want for my son to never have a passing thought such as the ones his father expressed. But I have to admit that I am thankful now for it and it did bring me some more peace. I only hope that it will bring that same peace to my son one day when he is old enough to hear the truth about this father's death.
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