I have been lacking in words as it has been nearly a week since I last posted. This past week had just been a tough one, and I needed to just be. One thing that I learned is that you need to feel your feelings so that they don't get trapped within, especially the bad ones, and can then be released. Enough time has passed so that most of my feelings come quickly and go quickly and I am able to move on with my day without any real disturbance. This past week, the feelings came, but didn't go quickly, and I have to admit that I got a little stuck in them. I was able to still function and carry on with my day, but there were thoughts in the back of my head that were distracting me from doing things, such a blog, that have helped me to move on in a positive way.
Words... Words are very powerful. Call me old-fashioned, but I find such a romantic element to little notes and letters that come from someone's mind rather than a mass produced card or a text message that's read in between checking a Facebook status, driving, and talking to a BFF.
My treasure that I found while rummaging through all of our "stuff" were words. My husband had saved letters, notes, and cards (with personal notes inside) that I had given to him from the very beginning of us. I also have my share of the same that I saved as well and those were just the things that I had been searching for. Words are powerful. I found that reading these exchanges brought back a genuine memory, even more so than a picture. The words described how we were feeling and our thoughts in that moment and nothing is more authentic than that.
I also came across journals. Journals from years ago, both mine and his. Neither one of us was into journaling so much, so most of the books were left blank, but there were some intimate thoughts that were shared from time to time. These journals were what got me stuck. My journals posted back from 1999 and I had written about both good and bad things that were happening in our relationship at the time. It's funny what can be a trigger and what emotions that trigger can release. The journals released in me, an enormous amount of confusion. Why? Why? Why?
These are questions that can never be completely answered. People are always looking for answers and for closure when they lose someone that they love. I don't think we are able to completely and absolutely accept their loss so to some extent these thoughts are never completely settled. However, they do need to be addressed and they do need to be put at bay in order to move on in a healthy way. Right now, I am learning how to accept my confusion and my unanswered questions and to move on with the things that I do know. This is what I know... I loved my husband and he loved me and I am happy for the time in this life that I had with him. I am blessed that I have our son to love and to carry on with into a future that is ours.
Words... Words are very powerful. Call me old-fashioned, but I find such a romantic element to little notes and letters that come from someone's mind rather than a mass produced card or a text message that's read in between checking a Facebook status, driving, and talking to a BFF.
My treasure that I found while rummaging through all of our "stuff" were words. My husband had saved letters, notes, and cards (with personal notes inside) that I had given to him from the very beginning of us. I also have my share of the same that I saved as well and those were just the things that I had been searching for. Words are powerful. I found that reading these exchanges brought back a genuine memory, even more so than a picture. The words described how we were feeling and our thoughts in that moment and nothing is more authentic than that.
I also came across journals. Journals from years ago, both mine and his. Neither one of us was into journaling so much, so most of the books were left blank, but there were some intimate thoughts that were shared from time to time. These journals were what got me stuck. My journals posted back from 1999 and I had written about both good and bad things that were happening in our relationship at the time. It's funny what can be a trigger and what emotions that trigger can release. The journals released in me, an enormous amount of confusion. Why? Why? Why?
These are questions that can never be completely answered. People are always looking for answers and for closure when they lose someone that they love. I don't think we are able to completely and absolutely accept their loss so to some extent these thoughts are never completely settled. However, they do need to be addressed and they do need to be put at bay in order to move on in a healthy way. Right now, I am learning how to accept my confusion and my unanswered questions and to move on with the things that I do know. This is what I know... I loved my husband and he loved me and I am happy for the time in this life that I had with him. I am blessed that I have our son to love and to carry on with into a future that is ours.
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