Baggage

The photo displayed above was taken by a photographer that I was introduced to in Las Vegas.  His name is Jeff Mitchum and I became instantly captivated with his work the moment I stepped into his gallery in The Bellagio.  This piece that I am sharing with you is called "Third Day."  It was titled this because he said it "felt like one could be carried off into eternity with the light..." and that it "represents the resurrection of life." (http://www.jeffmitchum.com/image-portfolio/4X5/)

I paired it with another piece composed by Dustin O'Halloran titled, "We Move Lightly."  I felt that the combination of these two pieces were very much appropriate for the topic that I want to write about tonight, baggage.

I have not shared any intimate details about my husband's death, but in order to authenticate my thoughts for tonight, I do want to share just a bit.  My husband was sick and was for quite some time. Love cannot shield all and the sickness did start to take its toll on me as well.  Having said that, I do bare some wounds from that experience.  I have healed a great deal in what has almost been year since my husband's passing.  My healing process not only consisted of dealing with the loss of my husband,  but of also finding myself once again.  I am now 33 years old.  I am widowed.  I have a two year old child.  I am finding myself.  And I am building a new life.  There's a lot going on right now.  I wouldn't call it drama, but I wonder how many men look at me and see baggage.  

I have not kept the fact that I am a single (widowed) mother a secret on the online dating site that I am on.  There have been many men that have written to me.  There have been some that have immediately asked about the how.  And then there are the ones that may have been turned away by this.  I am not trying to be unfair.  I actually have no idea how many men have looked at my profile and clicked next after reading about me.  It could be very few or it could be a great number.  I do have to say though that I have read on many men's profiles that they don't want anyone with "baggage."   I guess every one's idea of baggage varies.  I do wonder how I am viewed.  

This is what I have to say about baggage, not just my own, but for anyone who has "baggage."  It's not baggage.  It's called life.  It means you took chances, you experienced, you survived, you learned, you grew... you lived.  If you can walk away... walk away gracefully... move lightly, then how is that baggage?  Baggage is heavy.  It is cumbersome.  It should not be confused with one living a life.  

I have thought about what type of man I wanted to find.  I wondered if a man who was widowed or divorced would be a better match because they would have had experienced a marriage and (some form of) a loss.  Then I quickly disregarded that thought as I felt more strongly that it really depends on the individual.  However, I have began a correspondence with a man who is widowed.  I first viewed his picture and thought he was adorable.  He reminded me of someone, someone whose character I really liked and so I immediately viewed him a nice guy.  Second, I saw that he was widowed.  Third, I read about him and found him to be very interesting.  We have gone back and forth a few times now and I get a very good vibe from him.  I am very much into words and I find his to be very kind and genuine.  He is interesting.  And the fact that he has experienced a great loss as I have myself really is in the backseat.  However, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I feel this unspoken understanding with him, this man I have never met.  I do not know anyone personally that has had this experience.  It is not that I wish it on anyone, but it does happen and it is a bit of a comfort knowing that an unfortunate as it is, it is a commonality; one that is not shared with most others.

 I was listening to this song, "We Move Lightly" and it made me think that this is how I have tried to move on with my life, Lightly.  Gracefully.  Optimistically.  I have been thinking a lot about what some of the people who know me best have said about me throughout this past year.  I am a modest person so it is a bit uncomfortable to write this, but I have been admired for my strength and grace in dealing with such a traumatic event and its aftermath.  It is often said, that one's true character is revealed in the toughest of times.  I would very much like to meet this man.  I think that his true character will be revealed in who he has become and what he has done since his loss.  This could turn into something, just a friendship, or absolutely nothing.  But my gut... it's telling me he is remarkable.  It's based on very little.  It's just a gut feeling, and what do I always say, trust your gut.  Maybe I will find out.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.  It's time for a date already (lol)!