Today I took my son to his first swim class. He has never been afraid of water. Whether it was the bathtub, a pool, or the ocean, he has always been fearless and has always loved the water. So I had been wanting to take him to swim classes for quite some time and was really excited about today. He had such a great time. He splashed and laughed. He's a natural... like his father.
Taking our son to swim class would have been something that my husband would have loved to do with him. He was the swimmer, not me. That is what I noticed in our class, in the class before ours, and in the class after ours... it was mainly the fathers in the water. And if the mother was in the water, the father was sitting and watching. I have come to accept that (for now) it is just my son and I. I have learned to not let it get to me when I see families together or a father with his child. Today was just a day where it was hard to not let my mind wander.
There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about my husband repeatedly throughout the day. Like so many things, I have learned to think my thoughts, to feel my feelings, and to not let them stop me from moving along within my day. Today I did something though that I had been putting off...
When my husband passed away, I did not take pictures down or avoid talking about him, especially with my son. As time passed, I did take down our wedding photos, I put our album in a safe place, and I rearranged some of the photos that were displayed around the apartment. I made sure to have plenty of photos in my son's room of the two of them and the three of us. Two of my favorite photos hang above my son's crib and every night we look at them and we say goodnight. That was something that I did with him from the first night, we said goodnight. I had intended on making up a little prayer to say, but that first night and the ones that were first to follow I found words hard to find. So instead we said "Good night Daddy, we love you all the way to heaven and back," and that is what stuck.
My son was only 20 months old when his father died. I do not know what his thoughts are, but I do believe that he does have them. I believe they are based more on a feeling rather than an actual memory, but he does recognize his father in photos and more recently he has actually been saying his name randomly. So today I thought was the day to do what I have somewhat avoided, we watched home videos.
My son sat on my lap and together we watched videos from when he was a tiny baby, his first encounter with grass, his first trip to the ocean, and his first birthday. They were all such happy, wonderful times. I am so thankful to have them and to share them with my son so that he will always know the love that his father had for him. For me, it made him seem real again. I could see him, I could hear him. All I wanted to do was to reach into my computer and touch him again. I do feel him now, but just in a different way.
I think that he is with both myself and with my son in so many ways. In a spiritual sense yes, but also I can see him in things that my son does and enjoys. I can see him in my son's facial expressions. I can see him in the way my son speaks and acts. I can also see him in the things that I do and enjoy. I recognize him in some of my thoughts and actions. He was a part of both of our lives and we have been deeply touched by him in a way that will never go away.
"To heaven and back..." When I first chose those words, I did so to measure the amount of love we have for him. However, as I write this, I have been enlightened. If I feel that he is here with us, then maybe each night, we are all saying these words together. My son and I to tell him how much we love him and he is telling us that he made it to heaven but is still back with us. <3
Taking our son to swim class would have been something that my husband would have loved to do with him. He was the swimmer, not me. That is what I noticed in our class, in the class before ours, and in the class after ours... it was mainly the fathers in the water. And if the mother was in the water, the father was sitting and watching. I have come to accept that (for now) it is just my son and I. I have learned to not let it get to me when I see families together or a father with his child. Today was just a day where it was hard to not let my mind wander.
There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about my husband repeatedly throughout the day. Like so many things, I have learned to think my thoughts, to feel my feelings, and to not let them stop me from moving along within my day. Today I did something though that I had been putting off...
When my husband passed away, I did not take pictures down or avoid talking about him, especially with my son. As time passed, I did take down our wedding photos, I put our album in a safe place, and I rearranged some of the photos that were displayed around the apartment. I made sure to have plenty of photos in my son's room of the two of them and the three of us. Two of my favorite photos hang above my son's crib and every night we look at them and we say goodnight. That was something that I did with him from the first night, we said goodnight. I had intended on making up a little prayer to say, but that first night and the ones that were first to follow I found words hard to find. So instead we said "Good night Daddy, we love you all the way to heaven and back," and that is what stuck.
My son was only 20 months old when his father died. I do not know what his thoughts are, but I do believe that he does have them. I believe they are based more on a feeling rather than an actual memory, but he does recognize his father in photos and more recently he has actually been saying his name randomly. So today I thought was the day to do what I have somewhat avoided, we watched home videos.
My son sat on my lap and together we watched videos from when he was a tiny baby, his first encounter with grass, his first trip to the ocean, and his first birthday. They were all such happy, wonderful times. I am so thankful to have them and to share them with my son so that he will always know the love that his father had for him. For me, it made him seem real again. I could see him, I could hear him. All I wanted to do was to reach into my computer and touch him again. I do feel him now, but just in a different way.
I think that he is with both myself and with my son in so many ways. In a spiritual sense yes, but also I can see him in things that my son does and enjoys. I can see him in my son's facial expressions. I can see him in the way my son speaks and acts. I can also see him in the things that I do and enjoy. I recognize him in some of my thoughts and actions. He was a part of both of our lives and we have been deeply touched by him in a way that will never go away.
"To heaven and back..." When I first chose those words, I did so to measure the amount of love we have for him. However, as I write this, I have been enlightened. If I feel that he is here with us, then maybe each night, we are all saying these words together. My son and I to tell him how much we love him and he is telling us that he made it to heaven but is still back with us. <3
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