Runner

The title of this musical piece is "Runner" and it has become one of my favorites by Dustin O'Halloran.  This picture was taken at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens about two weeks ago.  I was sitting on a bench, listening to Dustin, attempting to read, but my gaze was on the flower garden and my thoughts were wandering elsewhere. I was thinking about the process of moving on and how difficult of a process it is.

The hardest part is just accepting the fact that you have to move on whether you want to or not.  There's no choice... you either move on with someone new or you move on alone.  In just a few months last year, I feel as though I learned a lifetime of lessons.  There were lessons learned from the experiences that were happening in those very moments as well as lessons learned by reflecting on the past and learning from it with a new found knowledge and perspective.  However, now that I have all of this knowledge and insight, how do I use it?  I'm a thinker and an analyzer to begin with, I fear that I am over thinking even more and am making this process that much more difficult.

Finding someone new.  It's a process.  It's not one that I am really enjoying.  I've gone on a few dates and they have been nice.  I would say that they were positive experiences but they just didn't have the potential to be any more than that one time date.  I am not so sure about online dating.  It's not that I don't believe it can work (my sister met her husband online!) and it's not that I am embarrassed to be (attempting to) date online.  The sorting out process is just very tedious and can be disheartening. There are times when I wonder why so and so didn't respond back to me and at the same time I am wondering how on earth Mr. X feels like we would be a good match (when so and so could very well be thinking the same thing about me, lol).  Then there are the ones who write nonsense and awful pick up lines that make you want to gag and then there are the ones who seem very sweet but try as you might, you just can't ever imagine yourself becoming physically attracted to that person (and then that makes you feel guilty and shallow, even though physical attraction is a very important piece).  Agh!

I wish I could meet someone randomly, like on a bench over looking the ocean... (Maine, although that didn't end well... Cold, Cold Maine, lol).  However, most of the time I am with my son and as cute as he is, he's just not a man-gnet.  I understand though, when I see a man with a child, I assume he has a wife at home and it's just awkward to ask if him if he's single.  When I am not with my son... I don't know.  Maybe I need to make the first move (I initiated all of the meet ups that I have had or had planned on having online), ugh!  My friend suggested taking a ballroom dancing class or something along those lines to meet someone in an activity I have some interest in.  I have yet to do anything along those lines, so I know I can't complain too much.

I have been told by many people to date or to go on as many dates as I can.  I can see the logic in that, but I can also so the weariness of that as well.  I didn't date when I was younger and I know I missed out on some experiences (learning and otherwise) by not.  However, I know myself better now and I think that means more than anything else.  And the thing about me is that if I found the next one right away, it wouldn't bother me in the least.  I would rather be at home drinking wine, playing backgammon and watching an old movie on AMC with someone than to be out on another first date.

I need to learn how to enjoy the process more and to appreciate it for what it is.  The funny thing is that I am not in a rush to meet someone or to get remarried for that matter.  However, I do miss feeling connected with someone very much.  Another thing that I learned is that you can't force things to happen as well.  There are good people, bad people, and the right one out there.  I'm not worried about not identifying the ones that are bad for me.  I am worried about not being able to distinguish a good person from the right person because I think the lines are very blurred and many of us find ourselves with good people that may not necessarily lead to true happiness.  As I keep on saying, I want amazing.  So like a runner, I need to remain persistent (and positive) so that I never just settle.  And perhaps I was swayed by the title of the music, but it seemed to fit my thoughts almost seamlessly.