I Believe...

It is thinking like this that has taken me to where I am today.  And I must admit that I am in a good place.  There are times when I do question my positive thinking/spiritual journey/stars aligning thoughts and wonder if I am just kidding myself.  Am I just feeding myself anything that will make me feel better?  But then something will happen and the picture does appear clearer and I can't help but to believe.

Tranquility

The Brooklyn Botanic Gardens is one of my favorite places to visit in the city.  It's alot of fun to go to on special event days like yesterday's Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival or Ghouls and Ghords for Halloween, but it's the quiet mornings during the weekdays (a teacher's summer vacation!) that is my absolute favorite time to go.

It's pretty.  It's quiet.  It's peaceful.  It's tranquil.

It's a great place to just walk to gather your thoughts, to plop down and read or book, or to eat lunch (their sandwiches are awesome!).

Here are some of my favorite pictures that I have gathered over the past few years...

The BBG is also the place where my son first felt grass between his toes!  C'mon, this is NYC, I have no yard and there are no dogs allowed in the gardens.  

The grass is soft and clean!

Spring

I love the earthy smell of dirt and the sweetness of flowers at this time of year.  I love the lilacs, magnolias, and tulips.  I think spring has finally arrived here in NYC and I hope that it decides to stay!

So, I have decided to attach The Happiness Project focus for this month along with this post on spring.  Why?  Well, because the focus for this month of April is/was parenthood.  I feel like I have been a real terd of a mother in keeping my son engaged over the winter.  So, I have decided to jump back on board with keeping my son away from the t.v. as much as possible and to plan out things to keep him busy, engaged, and to provide him with lots of different experiences (if and when possible). 

Today was one of the first truly gorgeous days of spring here and we went to... the beach!  Excavators, dump trucks, backhoes, front loaders, shovel, and bucket, we had it all.  My son would play with these toys in the sand all day if he could.  This may not sound that amazing, but for a kid with no backyard, it truly is.  I also took him to Coney Island, that in itself is always an experience, lol.

Tomorrow, we are going to the Brooklyn Botanic Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival.  I love the Botanic Garden and I have a membership there.  It's easy to get lost in all of the greenery and forget you are in the middle of a city (well, except for tomorrow, it will be packed with people) and it also has the cleanest grass!  It was three years ago that my son "walked" on grass for the first time at this same event.  My son loves it here too.  They have a great childrens' section and even some programs.  And yes, they even have shovels and rakes to play in the soil.

Next Saturday, we will be going to Connecticut.  Last fall we went to CT for a train and boat ride.  Well, we are going to the same place, but this time only for a train ride, a Thomas train ride!  My son loves the cartoon Thomas the train and everything that goes along with it.  He has the toys that he is constantly playing with, books, he even uses the word "cross" when he gets upset just like Sir Topham Hat, lol.  My son should really enjoy this Thomas Day Festival and I am looking forward to seeing his little face light up as well.

The following day, next Sunday, our wonderful neighborhood playground/park is having a festival.  There will be performers, vendors, and loads of other things going on.  It is such a great playground that is so well kept up.  I want to go and support it, and my son will have a blast as well.

It's nice to have plans and to be busy again.  This past winter was hard.  It was part me and my being lazy and not wanting to go out in the cold.  It was part winter too and it being cold and there not being as many options as well.  But in the next couple of months there are some great things to look forward to doing with my son, the library has some great programs and we have been going weekly just to pick out books and to play on the computer (lol... he doesn't touch mine), play dates (I need to plan more!), and a birthday party.  I also like to pick out a couple of touristy NYC things to do with my son each year.  Next on our list is the top of The Empire State Building.  I haven't even done that yet and I want to do that soon before it gets really packed with tourists.  I am looking forward to taking him up there just to see his reaction!  We have so much to look forward to.  :)

It was about one year ago that my son started his "terrible threes" phase.  While it is still there, ho hum, I have started to see some changes.  For one, his little tantrums are not so frequent.  Also, he is telling me all the time now that he is a big boy and that certain things and behaviors are for babies.  This is telling me that he recognizes the difference between certain actions and behaviors.  He even tells me that he didn't yell or throw anything (which is what he does when he gets upset or having his "tantrum" and oh how I hate it!).  Yay, he is thinking about his behaviors and beginning to control them himself!  But I have also learned that he is a good actor.  He is very good at "pretending" to be "cross" but as soon as I poke his belly like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, try as he might, he just can't hold that smile in.

I think that is so important, being able to read your child.  I think that I am fairly good at doing that.  That makes me feel good because I think in order to truly know someone, you must spend quality time in getting to know them.  It's not just about the trips to the beach and CT, it is more so about spending quality time together.  I hope that I can continue to do this with him and to not use lame excuses like the weather to cut down on it.  There is so much that can be done just within the home that is quality time where you don't have to spend a penny.  I am all for that kind of quality time as well, but with spring, comes a reawakening.  It is long overdue and I am so happy to be able to change things up a bit, get out of the house more, and spend that time with my son.

My parenting focus that I will take with me beyond the next couple of days left of April will be that of spending quality time with my son.  I also want to remember to relax so that when he does have a "terrible threes" fit, I don't escalate it.  When I am calm, he gets bored with his fit quickly.  Oh, and one more thing.  I really need to appreciate more all of the talking that he does.  My god, this kid talks and talks and talks and talks... And asks SO many questions of why, which direction?, why, and he is a backseat driver that puts my mother to shame!  He is so funny and I love him to pieces, I need to try not to get short with him after his upteenth question in a two minute span.  One day, I will miss it.

Springtime.  Lots to look forward to.  Lots to appreciate in the moment. 

To Live

It is taking risks.  It is letting go of fear.  It is experiencing life.

This may very well be my favorite scene in any movie that I have ever seen.  When Good Will Hunting came out in 1998, I was in my freshman year in college.  I entered as a math major, hoping to teach.  But as with so many freshman, I was having my doubts as I fell in love with psychology.  How ironic that this movie in some ways pins math and logical reasoning against psychology and the human spirit.  Psychology won out and I feel that was a pivotal point in my life.  Had it been math that won out, I would have pursued a teaching job which at that point there was a real need for in Rochester.  That would have ensured job security and I never would have moved to Virginia.  The course of my life would have been completely different.  I say that without regret just as a matter of fact.  Moving to Virginia was a big risk.  It led to so many life experiences both good and bad.  But I was living my life.

I was inspired today to post this clip not because of the above, but because of some happier news like I promised earlier today.  It is official... I am going to the Northwest this summer for my solo vacation.  I'll be gone for 6 days and will be splitting my time between Portland and Seattle.  This trip is meaningful to me for a variety of reasons.  I've been hesitant about booking because, well... I don't know why exactly,  perhaps the cost, perhaps I was hoping it wouldn't be solo... But then I realized that I need to take advantage of what is in front of me... my parents are more than happy to watch my son and he will be more than happy to stay with them, this trip will not put me into debt, and being solo means I have to make no compromises.  I can go and do whatever I want to do on this trip.  And the first thing I am going to do is... visit a tree.  Almost one year ago, I bought a very expensive piece of fine art, Brilliant.  Long story short, it arrived damaged, I took the refund, still big empty space on my wall.  That tree that I will be visiting is the very same tree from Brilliant.  But I will get to see it through my lens, not someone else's.  It will be my experience.  It was almost a year ago that I posted Simple Beauty, in which I shared my plans (at that time) to visit Maltonomah Falls, also near Portland.  Those plans never developed, but the first thing I booked after my flight, was a tour to see those falls (winery stops and tastings included, woo hoo!). Another experience.

When I took my trip to Las Vegas in February of 2012, I discovered and fell in love with landscape photography.  I still love it.  But nothing can replace the actual experience of witnessing it yourself.  I am fortunate to have the means to travel to see some of these places for myself.  I also think it takes bravery in letting go of fear and taking risks in living... in living the life you want to live. 

Brighter Days

Last year, although times were difficult, things just seemed to work out for me.  It seemed to flow smoothly.  This year, so far, not so much.  There have been many bumps in the road so far and I am looking forward to some brighter days. 

I don't even need to go back and reread the majority of my posts from the past couple of months, I know they have been... rather intense.  Some events still get to me, like saying goodbye to that guy.  Some events have helped me to see things in a different way and have acutally helped me to move on in a healthier way (going through the steps of grieving).  And some events I had absolutley no control over and are just sad (the deaths of my grandmother and dog). 

My head is not in a cloud though.  There have been some good things going on.  I have some things to look forward too.  And I am excited about sharing them.  I just felt like I needed to deal with everything else first.  Now that I have, I am looking forward to bringing an upward beat back to this blog. 

But before I do, I have some new reminders to help me keep on the path that I have chosen to walk along.



Forgiveness
As I took the journey through the stages of grief for a suicide loss, I realized that what was keeping me stuck, was that I needed to forgive.  I was acting like I forgave my husband, but I had never put blame on him for his actions.  It was difficult to do.  But once I did, forgiveness swept in quickly and this time, it was authentic and genuine.  This is a difficult time of year with the 2nd anniversary approaching quickly.  I have to admit, that I feel so much more at ease and peaceful after I found forgiveness.  I think forgiveness applies to other people and other situatins as well and it is a valuable lesson that I learned.  I chose this bead because the tourquise swirl seems to dissolve into the clear glass, just as what you are holding on to should when you forgive. 


 



My Skye Bead... Treazured Memories of the Past
When my male dog passed away last year, I bought the white bead with black flowers to represent the loss of loved ones and keeping them close to your heart.  When my female dog passed away, I knew that I wanted the exact opposite bead to place next to "The Argyle" bead.  This one not only reminds me of her, a black and white border collie as was the other, but it reminds me of the past (and my dog held so many memories to that past).  The black background is the past... the door that has closed and we can never go back to.  The white flower signifies all of the wonderful precious memories that we will carry with us forever. 

My bracelet is filling quickly.  Wouldn't it almost be poetic in a way that once it is filled, it would symbolize that I have learned what I needed to in order to truly move on? 

Boston

And Then There Were Two

I remember when the movie Marley and Me came out a few years ago.  It was a movie that I did not want to see in the theater because I knew it was going to make me cry and cry and cry.  So when it finally came out on DVD, I rented it knowing full well it was going to pull at my heartstrings and it did.  I couldn't even finish the whole movie because I knew how it was going to end.  Back then, the thought of losing either one of my dogs was just unbearable to think of. 

That was only about 4 years ago.  That was before my son was born.  That was when my dogs were 7 and 8.  We had raised them since they were both puppies and from that time on, we had been a family of four.  That is when our dogs were our kids.


My son is only a bit older than three and a half now.  When he was 20 months old, we lost his father.  Almost exactly a year later, we lost our male dog.  And last week, we lost our female dog.  It is amazing how drastic life can change in just a short period of time.  Our once family of five, is now only a family of two. 

Skye... My dog Skye was the absolute cutest puppy.  I wish I had digital pictures to upload, but I didn't even have a digital camera back when we got her almost 11 years ago.  We had already had our male dog, so we brought him to meet all the puppies.  Of course we picked out the one that pestered him the most.  But, they were like peas and carrots.  She loved him and followed him around like he was a rock star.  He treated her like a little sister, lol. 

Skye had a personality.  She was a bit crazy, she would bark at... nothing.  We also used to think that we had clones of her swarming around the house.  She would be everywhere.  You would go into one room and she'd be in there, turn around and go the another and there she'd be as if she had been there all along.  She kept great company and she was such a loyal dog.  She used to finish fights that her brother would instigate.  She even sat with my husband and woke him with her kisses one day when he banged his head in the garage and knocked himself out.  She loved to be loved.  And she was and she will be missed so very much.

This past Saturday, I drove back to my parents so that I could attend my grandmother's funeral.  I was dreading going back for that reason, but also because it had only been two days since Skye had to be put down as well.  There was an empty silence at my parent's house that made me extremely sad.  When I opened the door, I half expected and half hoped to hear her greet us with her bark.  She always greeted my son with plenty of kisses and he would always say, "No more licking Skye!"  But instead, I had to explain to my son why Skye wouldn't be at my parent's house and why we would never see her again. 

Skye's illness was completely unexpected as was her death.  It may have been cancer that caused a rapid digression in her liver, in may even have been hepatitis.  The doctor's were never 100% sure of what caused her liver to fail so quickly.  I do know that my parent's did everything they could to get her healthy, but she just didn't.  So now she joins her father and brother in Heaven.  There is a wonderful book by Cynthia Rylant entitled, "Dog Heaven."  I only read this book several years ago in Barnes and Noble and had to walk out of there with tears down my face.  Like I said before, just the thought... now it is my reality.

My Skye...

Helping me pack.  She was with us for 5 of our moves.

 

 

 

 

Before our son, we used to send pictures of the dogs on our Christmas cards.

 

 

We did this to the dogs too.  Skye actually enjoyed it.

Yes, she is sitting with a guinea pig, two actually.  I had them for class pets and she treated them like pups!

My girl <3

 

 

A Double Punch to the Kidneys
A Walk in the Past