It was my plan to focus in on those stages of grieving that I felt I needed to reflect on, however, I have other things that are on my mind tonight and ironically, they are fitting to follow my last post "Sadness."
My grandmother is dying. It was confirmed for me tonight and the doctors are predicting that she will pass within the next two weeks. My grandmother is not a healthy woman. She has had her share of ailments over the years... diabetes, heart disease, dementia, and she can no longer see... but it is essentially her kidneys that are going to give out. So until that time comes, she is going to be made as comfortable as possible and I was told that her passing will most likely occur in her sleep and it should be a peaceful passing.
I was very fortunate to have had last week off and that I was able to visit my family, including my grandmother during that time. Just last week, the diagnosis was not yet determined to be as bad as it is now. I figured though that it would be my last time seeing her, but there was still that possibility of hope that it wouldn't be. She was in a rehabilitation center when I went to visit her. I didn't stay for very long either time as she was tired one time and a bit aloof the other. But I am glad I got to see her and talk to her a bit.
It is sad to know that your grandmother is dying even though it has come to the point where you wish for it to happen quickly so that she is no longer suffering in any way. I was dealing with it well, until today. Perhaps it was finding out that it will only be a matter of days to weeks or maybe it was the second dose of bad news that I got today.
My dog also has bad kidneys. This I just found out today as well. On Sunday, my dog got into some Easter ham and boy did it make her sick! Since she now lives with my parents, my father took her to the vet on Tuesday. They didn't do to much but to tell him to bring her back in if she is still ill in a couple of days. So after eating and drinking little to nothing for the next day, my father brought her back in today. They took blood work and her kidneys are not well. They put her on an IV to clear out her system from all the junk that was in the ham and in the morning they will do another blood test. The doctor said that her kidneys were not 100% to begin with, but will not know how bad it is for sure until tomorrow. He gave my father hope that after clearing out her system, her numbers could come down. If they do not, it is a very real possibility that she will need to be put down.
This is a complete shock! She was completely herself the entire week that I was there and she wasn't showing any signs of slowing down and sickness before I arrived either. I am really holding out hope for her and that her numbers (not sure exactly what that means and what numbers are considered "healthy") come down. I will not let her live in pain and suffering, but if she is still capable of living pain free and can maintain a quality of life for as long as her kidneys will hold out, I can accept that.
She is an older dog. She will be 11 in July, but I am just not ready to loose her. I lost my husband in May of 2011, my other dog died in June of 2012... I don't want to say goodbye to her yet. In many ways she represents to me the last link to my old life. She isn't just a picture or a card. She is a living reminder and purely authentic.
Yes, I know that I have my son and his role is a significant one. However, when I look at the big picture, my son only took up a small portion of my time with my husband, only 20 months. It was just the two of us and our dogs for 8 years before our son was ever even born. We went through a lot with our dogs by our side. This dog can remind me of those old times... when we lived in Rochester (our first apartment, our wedding day, the dog parks, the walks, the snow....), our move to Virginia (the house we purchased, swimming in the ocean, Hurricane Isabel, taking them on vacation to the Outer Banks), and finally our move to NYC (selling the house, getting used to a new way of living, a miscarriage). This dog was the one that was with me the entire time before and after my husband passed away. She greeted me and my son at the door when we came home from school when no one else was there to do it. She kept me company at night after my son fell asleep and I was all alone. Just like my son, I had to get up each morning for her to because she needed to be walked and I walked her each night as well. She was with me for four months following my husband's death. It was in the fall when my parents offered to take her for the winter so that I wouldn't have to take my son out in the cold to walk her. She ended up staying with them mainly because my retired father really bonded with her and they kept each other company. It was better for her to be there. So I know that this comes at a terrible time for my parents as well who have come to love her even more than they already did.
The waiting and uncertainty in both situations are triggering memories for me that I was feeling exactly two years ago with my husband. He was in crisis mode by this time and you just didn't know what each day would bring. It is uneasy, unsettling, and heart wrenching. This is a difficult time of year for me to begin with, but all this is happening right now is making it all the tougher.
When and if the worst occurs, I know that there will be a great deal of pain. I also know that time helps to heal those wounds and the pain. Sometimes though, I don't want to scratch for a silver lining. Sometimes it's okay to just say that things suck. And it does. But I will still say a prayer for my grandmother's peace. I will also say one for my dog and that tomorrow will bring good news for her and my family.
My grandmother is dying. It was confirmed for me tonight and the doctors are predicting that she will pass within the next two weeks. My grandmother is not a healthy woman. She has had her share of ailments over the years... diabetes, heart disease, dementia, and she can no longer see... but it is essentially her kidneys that are going to give out. So until that time comes, she is going to be made as comfortable as possible and I was told that her passing will most likely occur in her sleep and it should be a peaceful passing.
I was very fortunate to have had last week off and that I was able to visit my family, including my grandmother during that time. Just last week, the diagnosis was not yet determined to be as bad as it is now. I figured though that it would be my last time seeing her, but there was still that possibility of hope that it wouldn't be. She was in a rehabilitation center when I went to visit her. I didn't stay for very long either time as she was tired one time and a bit aloof the other. But I am glad I got to see her and talk to her a bit.
It is sad to know that your grandmother is dying even though it has come to the point where you wish for it to happen quickly so that she is no longer suffering in any way. I was dealing with it well, until today. Perhaps it was finding out that it will only be a matter of days to weeks or maybe it was the second dose of bad news that I got today.
My dog also has bad kidneys. This I just found out today as well. On Sunday, my dog got into some Easter ham and boy did it make her sick! Since she now lives with my parents, my father took her to the vet on Tuesday. They didn't do to much but to tell him to bring her back in if she is still ill in a couple of days. So after eating and drinking little to nothing for the next day, my father brought her back in today. They took blood work and her kidneys are not well. They put her on an IV to clear out her system from all the junk that was in the ham and in the morning they will do another blood test. The doctor said that her kidneys were not 100% to begin with, but will not know how bad it is for sure until tomorrow. He gave my father hope that after clearing out her system, her numbers could come down. If they do not, it is a very real possibility that she will need to be put down.
This is a complete shock! She was completely herself the entire week that I was there and she wasn't showing any signs of slowing down and sickness before I arrived either. I am really holding out hope for her and that her numbers (not sure exactly what that means and what numbers are considered "healthy") come down. I will not let her live in pain and suffering, but if she is still capable of living pain free and can maintain a quality of life for as long as her kidneys will hold out, I can accept that.
She is an older dog. She will be 11 in July, but I am just not ready to loose her. I lost my husband in May of 2011, my other dog died in June of 2012... I don't want to say goodbye to her yet. In many ways she represents to me the last link to my old life. She isn't just a picture or a card. She is a living reminder and purely authentic.
Yes, I know that I have my son and his role is a significant one. However, when I look at the big picture, my son only took up a small portion of my time with my husband, only 20 months. It was just the two of us and our dogs for 8 years before our son was ever even born. We went through a lot with our dogs by our side. This dog can remind me of those old times... when we lived in Rochester (our first apartment, our wedding day, the dog parks, the walks, the snow....), our move to Virginia (the house we purchased, swimming in the ocean, Hurricane Isabel, taking them on vacation to the Outer Banks), and finally our move to NYC (selling the house, getting used to a new way of living, a miscarriage). This dog was the one that was with me the entire time before and after my husband passed away. She greeted me and my son at the door when we came home from school when no one else was there to do it. She kept me company at night after my son fell asleep and I was all alone. Just like my son, I had to get up each morning for her to because she needed to be walked and I walked her each night as well. She was with me for four months following my husband's death. It was in the fall when my parents offered to take her for the winter so that I wouldn't have to take my son out in the cold to walk her. She ended up staying with them mainly because my retired father really bonded with her and they kept each other company. It was better for her to be there. So I know that this comes at a terrible time for my parents as well who have come to love her even more than they already did.
The waiting and uncertainty in both situations are triggering memories for me that I was feeling exactly two years ago with my husband. He was in crisis mode by this time and you just didn't know what each day would bring. It is uneasy, unsettling, and heart wrenching. This is a difficult time of year for me to begin with, but all this is happening right now is making it all the tougher.
When and if the worst occurs, I know that there will be a great deal of pain. I also know that time helps to heal those wounds and the pain. Sometimes though, I don't want to scratch for a silver lining. Sometimes it's okay to just say that things suck. And it does. But I will still say a prayer for my grandmother's peace. I will also say one for my dog and that tomorrow will bring good news for her and my family.
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