Keepsakes

Weather has always been a trigger of memories for me.  Whether its the way the breeze brushes your cheeks, the earthy smell of spring, or a misty Sunday morning... it has always brought back memories.  Today was one of those days.  It was a gloomy, rainy day.  It has actually been pretty gloomy and rainy all week, but today it decided to remind me of my trip to Scotland.  A happy memory, a very happy memory.

Our trip to Scotland was my engagement present to Him.  Yup, that's right.  I got a ring, he got a plane ticket.  The year was 2001.  The month was June.  I was a recent college graduate who was also recently engaged.  We had decided to embrace our age, the European culture, and the moment and we backpacked it!  We even stayed in hostels.  That is something that I would never do again (not because it was a bad experience, I just feel too old for that now) and that's what made it so awesome.

We flew into London, which I loved, but only stayed a few days because our real destination was Scotland.  We visited Edinburgh, Inverness, and Sterling and we traveled through Great Britain by train.  I fell in love.  The land was gorgeous, breathtaking actually.  The coast, the rolling green land, it was fantastic.  I loved the castles and the architecture.  I loved the language and seeing men walking around town in kilts.  I loved it all because I was happy.  I was happy because I could see how happy He was.  He was part Scottish and he had always wanted to visit Scotland.  I was so happy to be the one to experience this complete bliss of his with him.

While we were there, He picked up a kilt with his family's plaid that he had pre-ordered before our arrival.   He wore that kilt on our wedding day as did all our groomsmen.  He was always so proud and happy to put on that kilt.  Now, that kilt is one of the precious mementos that I have to pass on to our son.  I also look forward to the day when I can bring my son to Scotland.  I want to share with him what his father and I shared together.  I want him to have this experience so that he can feel a certain closeness with his father.  To take a deep breath of air from this foreign land, to look around, and to see what his father once saw.  

***

I am so happy that we shared a son.  My husband had so many special keepsakes that are more easily passed down from father to son.  Besides the kilt, there are watches, rings, ties, books, a gorgeous model ship, and even a family bible dated back to the mid 1800's.  While I wish I didn't have to share with my son who his father was in this way, I am truly grateful for the photos, letters, stories, and mementos that I do have so that my son will grow up knowing who is father was.  He was unique and he possessed so many wonderful qualities.  

Swept Away

I met my husband when I was just about a month shy of turning nineteen.  I was a freshman in college and he was a senior.  We went to a very small college, a place where it was hard to get lost in the crowd.  I had first noticed him because he always smiled at me.  It was the smile and his hair, it was long, that made me notice him.  I remember one day going down to get my mail and he was coming up.  We didn't talk, just smiled.  But for the next week, I went to get my mail at that exact time, hoping to run into him again.  (I didn't.)

Our next encounter happened on a Friday night.  I didn't go out that night.  I was in my room wearing bright orange sweats with "Syracuse" down the leg and a green sweatshirt.  To say I was a hot mess would be an understatement.  I was watching "Saturday Night Fever" and ordered a pizza.  I toted my hot ass down to the lobby to pick up that pizza and who was there, the long haired guy with a smile.  And he did just that when he saw me.  He let me get my pizza first, and I was so embarrassed by the way I looked, I apparently didn't say "thank you" or anything else for that matter because he always made fun of me about that afterward.  I just grabbed my pizza and ran back upstairs.

We actually met (and spoke!) when my suite mate got a new roommate who was friends with my husband.  He helped her move in and there we both were.  I do not remember what words were spoken.  But I remember two things, what I was wearing and that he took me away.

Keep in mind that the year was 1997.  I was wearing olive green corduroys and a white button down oxford that was tied in the front, just to show off a tease of my belly.  Oh, and Keds.  How could I forget the Keds? Lol.

He took me away that night.  The words that I do remember came from him telling me about a trip abroad that he took that summer, only months ago.  He had gone on an archaeological dig in Europe.  For some reason he had some pictures with him and as he spoke about this foreign land that I didn't particularly have interest in ever visiting, I listened attentively and let him sweep me off of my feet.  He was so amazingly smart and interesting.  He was different than all of the other guys that I had met in college and that I had known in high school.  He was who I was looking for and the reason why I never dated before.

I didn't know it at that moment, but looking back, it was love at first sight.  

The 4 Agreements

In my quest to find myself, I had to let go and be completely honest with myself about who I am and what I value most to emulate in my everyday life.  In January, when I began The Happiness Project, I listed some words of wisdom and of encouragement as to what I believed was important.  This list came from who I was to a degree, but more than that, the type of person that I wanted to strive to be.

Not too long ago, I came across "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz who wrote his book based on "ancient Toltec wisdom".    These four agreements are meant to help one to live with more integrity, self awareness, and peace.  You may understand why this caught my attention.  I do not plan on making these four agreements my motto to live by.  However, I do see value in them and can see how attempting to live by them could potentially make one's life happier.

So without further ado,

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

***

I do not plan on giving updates on how I am doing with each of these agreements.  However, I may mention them from time to time.  Right now, I would like to write about the first agreement and its importance to me in this moment.  

One of my own "commandments" is share your thoughts with tact and dignity.  This has been something that I have tried very hard to do in these past few months.  I have always been an very private person.  I have always been a very shy person as well.  I have seen first hand how important it is to share your thoughts whether they be personal, work related, happy, or sad.  Everyone's thoughts hold value.  How one presents themselves shows their worth.  So, I have stepped out of my box and have begun to share both my inner deep thoughts and more trivial ones as well.  However, no matter the thought, I have truly tried to share them in a classy way, with tact and dignity.  

It is my hope to continue to do just that.  It is also my hope that I present myself in that manner on this blog.  It is important to me to be impeccable with my words during the next couple of weeks as I reflect back and relive the life and the loss with my husband.  I hope that what I do share will be said with such grace so that it will only honor his memory.

Tree of Life

Autumnal Maple
Zeb Andrews

I began this blog as a therapeutic measure to help keep me in a good place as I set out on this journey into my new life with so much confusion, heartache, loneliness, and sadness from having to experience the tragic loss of my husband.  When I first began, I had two journals.  One that held the utter pain and confusion for the path my life had taken.  And this, Glimmering Through Aspen, the place that didn't forget all of the hurt, but a place that could see the light as well.  This blog held the hope and optimism that was within me, but allowed me to release it so that it could come to life.

They say that time heals all wounds.  I do believe that time has been a good friend in the process of healing.  I do not believe that these wounds will ever go away completely.  There is a hole, an absence, that no amount of future happiness will ever be able to fill.  This is not a bleak outlook.  It is a realistic outlook and one that I do not mind accepting because that hole, was created by a man that I truly loved.  He was my husband and the father of our child who is the the absolute light of my everyday.

Whether it has been time or the breath of life in my words, but I am in a good place.  Part of my healing process is finding myself.  One thing that I have become quite aware of is in fact myself.  Self-awareness has been significant in my healing because I have been able to recognize patterns and thoughts and where they might lead.  I am also aware of my resources and where to go, what to do, and whom to seek out when I feel myself going down a path that I don't want to go.  I do not repress my thoughts or feelings.  I let them come.  I have grown to the point where I can feel them fully, deal with it, and let it go.  I have not gotten stuck in a long time. I also seek out this blog more so than my journal, and I have done so for quite some time now.

The day is approaching.  The day that marks that it has been one year since my husband passed away.  The anticipation of this day is weighing heavily.  I feel that I have come to the point on this blog where I do not want to seek out my journal for the thoughts, feelings, and memories that will be pouring in over the next 11 days.  I am not sure what will come and where they will take me, but I am hoping that I can use this forum to look back on my life with a brave, yet genuine smile.

Simple Beauty

I have not been shy with sharing my new love affair with landscape photography.  I don't know how to describe it, to me it just breathes fresh air into my face.  Fresh, clean, sweet, and cold.  The kind of air that gets into you and dances with your soul. Getting lost in the simple beauty of nature has made me feel a kind of happiness that is just as simple and genuine as the vision itself.

Thank you Las Vegas for connecting me with a therapeutic art that I never would have sought out on my own.  In a past post, I shared Peter Lik and some of my favorite pieces of his photography collection.  Today, I want to share with you Jeff Mitchum.  His gallery was actually the first that I visited in Las Vegas, so I really fell in love with him first.  He is not unfamiliar to this blog as I have used one of his pieces, Third Day, as an opening for my post, "Baggage."  But today, you will get more.

I have not traveled as much as I would like to.  I have always had a thing for Europe.  I love the land and the architecture.  I've been to England and Scotland and absolutely loved it.  The castles were phenomenal and the view of the rolling green land in Scotland atop the Salisbury Crags, absolutely breathtaking.  When I think of big trips, Europe, is what always comes to mind first.

What I always failed to realize is how beautiful the United States is.  We do not have the ancient architecture as other countries, but the land has so much to offer.  It is so diverse and boasts such natural beauty.  When I was looking at the books in the galleries, each photograph had an inscription with a little story and location.  I was amazed that the majority of the photos that took my breath away were right here!   

Jeff Mitchum

Google Images, lol

This photo is called "Bridge to Romance."  It is really called Maltnomah Falls and it's located just outside of Portland, Oregon. 

I am going to visit these falls.

In September, I have a four day weekend.  I am in the middle of planning a trip to Gig Harbor, which is just south of Seattle.  It is a small town on the water full of art and surrounded by beauty.  It's supposedly one of the best small towns to visit in the United States.  So, my plan is to stay in Gig Harbor and to drive down for the day to visit these falls.  I am hoping that this trip will not be a solo one.  But, if it works out that my only option is to go alone, I know that is something that I can do and would feel comfortable in doing. I just want to have this experience and there are so many more that I want, so why wait?

Well as promised, here are some more photos by Jeff Mitchum.  I hope you enjoy them and can find the simple beauty in them as well. 

Odysea

Radiant Wonder

The Man

Three Brothers

P.S.  I have a bead to remind me to always look for and appreciate the simple beauty. :)

It's called Silver Mountain and it did remind me of a refreshing mountain view, much like in "The Man" (above).  

Imagine

This week my son has reached a new milestone.  I have seen it come slowly, but it is definitely here and it is the cutest thing!  Make-believe!  He is a boy through and through (except his love affair for the color pink!) and trucks and cars are his favorite thing right now.  He now adds sound effects and talks while he is playing, not just with his cars and trucks, but with anything and everything.  I love it!

I have mentioned many times that it is the happy moments, the sweet little things that I miss sharing with someone the most.  This would be a time when my husband or I would catch our son doing this and quietly whisper and call the other to come watch.  We would look at each other, smile with love and affection for our child, and then laugh at him!

I appreciate my son more than words can possibly say.  I love being a mother more than I could have ever possibly imagined.  It is these precious moments that I hope to share with someone someday because they truly are what life is all about.  It's the little things.  The simple beauty in the small...

A Treasure House

I did it again.  It's a new month and I have veered away from my Happiness Project Focus for April.  It was a good one, parenthood.  Well, I shouldn't say that I veered away from it because I didn't completely, I just didn't write more about it as I had planned.

One of the ideas for helping to create a happier home was to "be a treasure house of happy memories."  This includes creating happy moments and traditions.  As some of my more recent posts may have indicated, I am starting to feel more settled here in New York and I am starting to wonder if perhaps this is  "home."  One thing that has lead me to this thought is the acceptance of my current apartment as my home.  I have tried to make it feel more comfy, more me.  I have bought some new decor and like planned, I have spent the last two nights painting.  A little paint can go a long way and I already feel like my apartment is more welcoming, bright, and cheery.  These little changes may not be happy memories, however, the atmosphere that they help to create is part of a treasured house.   I want my son, my family, and my friends to all feel a positive aurora when they step into my home.

This apartment also holds happy and precious memories as well with my husband.  I have many photos of my son and his father in this very apartment.  I know that when it is time for me to leave this place, it will tug at my heartstrings because it does hold our last memories together as a family.  But, what my son and I have are precious photos and videos.  I do not take them out that often.  However, there are plenty of pictures scattered around the apartment for my son to see and two special family photos above his crib.  My son knows his father.

Another idea that Gretchen gives for this topic is to create and uphold family traditions.  I have paid especially close attention to traditions this past year as I have tried to find ways to keep the spirit of my husband alive for our son.  Here are some of our (my son and I) traditions...
     -Father's Day:  Plant Flowers
     -Daddy's Birthday:  Ice Cream Cake
     -Wedding Anniversary:  Send cards of love and appreciation to those people who mean so much
     -Thanksgiving:  Macy's Parade, Turkey and Pies prepared with my husband's recipe
     -Christmas:  Continue the tradition we started on our son's first Christmas with the gift of a special book and inscription inside
     -My Son's Half Birthday:  Make half-moon cookies with his father's recipe
     -Easter:  Tulips, Easter Egg Hunt, Spend day at the park

As I am writing these, I feel like there is so much more that I do on a daily/weekly basis, like mentioning something to my son about his father, etc.  Those tradition above do not include any old family traditions, I just geared them towards my husband's memory.

Those traditions lead us up to this time of the year.  The one year mark is almost here.  I think the heaviness of the anticipation of it is what's going to make it possible to get through it.  I have already started to release some of the emotions.  However, I do not know what to do on this day.  I know that I will not go to work on that day.  I also know that I won't be able to visit the cemetery because my husband is buried in his hometown.  It is too far of a drive with my son for one day back and forth.  I am not sure if I should do something special with my son and make it a tradition or if I should just make it a simple day.  A simple day to enjoy the simple joys of life and to reflect on our lives together.

Just the thought of it now brings tears to my eyes.  This is going to be a tough 16 days to get through.  But we will find a way to get through them as we have for each day of this past year.  Whatever it is that we do on this upcoming day or any day afterwards, tradition or no tradition, I will continue to work diligently to make sure that my son's childhood and beyond are filled with treasured memories of his father, with me, with other family and friends, and full of as many different and positive experiences as I can provide for him.