Maintaining

As I venture on further into this third year, and this new part of my life that I felt I entered this summer, I only realize now that I think what it's all about right now for me is maintaining. 

Maintaining, that is often harder than the process itself, isn't it?  I have known people who have dieted who would agree with that.  It's easier to loose the weight than to keep it off.  If you Google maintaining, guess what comes up first?  None other than erectile dysfunction.  I guess that means that there are many men who would also agree that maintaining something can be a difficult task.  And to those that do?  Well, in sports, we call them a dynasty! 

All I want is to be able to maintain what I have built and created for myself in these past few years.  Most certainly I would like to continue to learn and to grow and to evolve, but I feel that is a difficult task if you cannot maintain that foundation that you began to build yourself upon in the first place. 

I do feel different.  I have since the summer.  I'm not sure what it was that "changed" me other than perhaps time itself.  In some ways it is not a bad thing.  Certain feelings have dulled.  The pain and horrific memories are not as sharp.  But along with that other positive thoughts and feelings seemed to have dulled as well.  Case in point, my writing. I felt I haven't been able to find the right words for quite some time now.  My thoughts and feelings surrounding the blog posts don't seem to be as sharp either.  

I do not feel like I am lost.  I do not feel as though I have regressed.  I just feel that I am no longer under the blanket that covered me and protected me during the past two years.  As I just typed that last sentence, I was reminded of a quote that I had wanted to use in June when I first heard it, but never did.  I think this is where it belongs...

“Mom says each of us has a veil between ourselves and the rest of the world, like a bride wears on her wedding day, except this kind of veil is invisible. We walk around happily with these invisible veils hanging down over our faces. The world is kind of blurry, and we like it that way. But sometimes our veils are pushed away for a few moments, like there's a wind blowing it from our faces. And when the veil lifts, we can see the world as it really is, just for those few seconds before it settles down again. We see all the beauty, and cruelty, and sadness, and love. But mostly we are happy not to. Some people learn to lift the veil themselves. Then they don't have to depend on the wind anymore.”
― Rebecca Stead, When You Reach Me 

Back in June when I first read this, I thought that my veil had been lifted.  I saw all the cruelty and sadness in the world and yet, I still was able to see the beauty as well.  I think now that it was only the wind.  It was a harsh, cruel wind, but it was the wind nonetheless.

Perhaps the reason why I have felt so challenged lately is because I am being challenged.  I feel that my blanket, my veil has been removed.  It is and has been more difficult to remain optimistic at times and I have let that effect me. 

When there is a tragedy... 9/11, Hurricane Sandy... there is that brief time when you see the horrors that people endure.  But along with that you see the utter beauty of the human spirit as well in the way people band together and help each other.  But, after time, that fades.  We forget.  Things go back to normal. 

In my case, if I am now in that fading stage... I don't want to.  Even if that means the pain is less, I would rather maintain the sharpness of all my feelings.  I don't want to loose them.  I don't want to loose what I learned and appreciated only through having experienced what I had.  I don't want to go back to "normal", back behind the veil. 

 I want to be able to see the world as it is yet still to be able maintain the way in which I want to live my life in this crazy world of ours... optimistic and happy to be a part of it all.   

Slow and Not So Steady

Slow... that pretty much sums up my pace for the past few weeks.  I've been sick and I don't feel as if I am steadily getting better. 

Now, it's nothing serious and I am very grateful for that.  It began with allergies and then turned into a sinus infection which caused laryngitis and after a week of antibiotics, I am left with a lingering cough and allergy symptoms once again and the cycle continues.  What this equates for me is total exhaustion.  Ugh...

My health, my energy... I rely on that so much, not just to accomplish all that I need to do in a day, but for my mental health as well.  I enjoy physical activities and exercising.  I enjoy being on the go and not getting stuck in a humdrum weekday routine.  I have lots to do at home... not only household chores, but more importantly spending time and giving my son attention.  I have work to do and that I often bring home to work on at night.  I am a busy lady and I am really good at handling my many hats... but I just haven't been able to lately.  It's frustrating.  I feel crappy because of being sick, but also because I am not up to par with accomplishing that I am used to being able to do. 

My energy started dropping in the beginning of this month and now October is nearly over.  It's frustrating that it is taking so long to recoup. 

I'm whining, I know.  And I hate, hate, hate whining.  So I have decided that I really need to start being proactive or atleast I need to try something.  I have been wanting to change my diet (not drastically, but to eat healthier... adding in more proteins and veggies into my daily chows) and along with that I think I need to think about natural supplements to help boost my immune system.  It's only October, there's a long winter season ahead of me!  I really can't afford to get sick and I don't have the luxury of taking some time for myself to recover. 

So I am crabby.  I look awful.  I feel awful.  But, the good thing is that I know I will feel better.  When I do count my blessings, I do think about my health.  It's times like these when I really appreciate how lucky that I am that I am a healthy person.  There are so many people who have to deal with real issues of health and disease on a daily basis.  It's draining and it seems cruel and unfair.  I know... I've seen people I love lose battles from sicknesses, my husband of course, my uncle, my grandmother, and even my dogs... <3.

Perhaps I just need to count my health twice when I am counting my blessings.  And I am hoping that since I have finally found the extra time and sprinkle of energy to blog, that I am atleast on the track of feeling better once again.

A (B!+c#) Slap

Yah, that's right.  I got a b!+c# slap... from my gut.  That's what I get for not listening to it and it didn't hold back. 

Last week, I wrote about "My Epiphany" and if any of you read that and just shook your head when you got to the tale of the professor, well that head shakin' was deserved.  

Last week, my new found friend not only sustained a texting conversation with me for three days in a row, but initiated them!  By day two, it was obvious.  By day three, it became official when he asked me over to his apartment. 

What's wrong with this is that he told me that he didn't have time for a relationship with me.  When I called him out on it, he defended himself by saying that he didn't have more time now... exactly my point.  He didn't have any more time than he did before, yet... he made the time to converse with me much more than he did at any other point. 

If we had hung out as friends and if we found ourselves caught in a moment, I would have been okay with that.  But, not like this.  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Because Mr. Professor, you are not so spectacular that I'd take what I can get from you.  Sex is easy.  I'd rather walk into a bar and find a one night stand than to take you up on that booty call. 

What surprised me the most was how this made me feel.  I've met some creepy guys out there online, who have sent me some skeethey messages and pictures and paid no heed.  But this was different.  He made me feel pretty awful actually.  He rejected me as someone with whom he wanted to have a serious relationship with (which was apparent by his making time for me...) only to offer up a forget the wine and dine hookup. 

After I said my final goodbye on Friday, I immediately felt better.  I even laughed about this with a friend.  However, to be quite honest, only hours before I was in tears because for some reason, this just really struck a chord with me. 

Lesson learned... trust your gut.  I never thought I knew for sure how I felt about this guy.  I kept him around because I was unsure.  When I have been unsure with any other, I walked away without a second thought.  I didn't know why I wouldn't or couldn't with him... maybe because he was that guy I wanted to date.  Anyways... thank you, thank you gut for making it clear to me that I need to trust you, even when I think I'm not sure, I really am deep down. 

(This is why my last post about appreciating the process is going to be one I need to refer back to and often... it's tough out there!  And oh, the stories I have, lol.)

One Must Climb the Tree...

To Get the Fruit

Yes, if any of you have watched Betrayal tonight, that's where I took it from.  I was going to title my post "The Process" but the moment I heard that quote, I knew it was a one that fit perfectly and seamlessly with my thoughts. 


The Process... the process that I often damn and that often damns me.  I was feeling its bitterness and it got the better of me a couple of weeks ago, with some lingering effects.  I've recently felt a deeper loneliness and with that came some feelings of self pity.  The reason?  It actually comes from the quote itself.  I feel like I have done so much... I have climbed so far.  So where is my fruit?  Why haven't I been able to reach it yet... why is it so damn high? 

Damn the process...

The process that has allowed me the pleasure and honor of raising an incredible little boy.  Not only have I been blessed with an amazing child, but I have been given the opportunity to create an extraordinary bond and connection with my son.  It is beyond words.

The process that has put me in all four corners of the United States within 3 years (Washington, California, Maine, and Florida... yup, just booked a trip to Disney for February) and has allowed me to visit plenty of other places such as Las Vegas, The Grand Canyon, Connecticut, South Carolina, Virginia, Washington DC, Lake George, Watkins Glen, and more trips than I can count back to my hometown to visit my family.

The process that has allowed me to strengthen my ties with my family.

The process that has allowed many new people to come into my life and to strengthen and enrich it with meaningful relationships and friendships.

The process that stripped me down to the most vulnerable of positions, but allowed for me to rebuild.  To find myself.  To be the person that I was meant to be.  And to realize that.  I am not a newly created person.  I am the person I always was... just better.  (And still a work in progress.)

The process that has motivated me to begin the process of organizing ideas and materials to create my own website business in selling/doing something that I love... writing curriculum and lessons. 

The process that taught me how to set a mouse trap in 4 seconds flat.  Or in other words, taught me that I am self sufficient and capable.  I only need someone for the important things in life... someone to walk with... to find joy, to laugh, to cry, to embrace... to love. 

The process that made me prioritize what really is most important.  The process that has alleviated so much stress in my life.

The process in which I found my voice.  My voice not only through written words, but spoken as well.  I am still working on verbally communicating my thoughts, but atleast I and others know that I do in fact have a voice... and thoughts worth sharing. 

The process that introduces me to the wrong person repeatedly, only to leave me with more "learning experiences" and often times a good story to tell. 

The process in which I have found a spiritual side to myself.  One in which I do believe and hold a strong faith. 

The process... that I often damn because it has been full of struggles, but one that I have found has put a  smile on my face and a happiness in my heart. 

That tree seems never ending and there are times like just recently when I have felt the exhaustion and frustration of that climb, but I am an active participant in my life and I refuse to stop and to wait.  The process taught me that one too.  There is a song that is out right now, "Wake me Up"by Avicii.  I immediately liked this song when I first heard it.  It's like Indie Rock meets Club... but when I really began to listen to the words, I couldn't disagree more.  If I had asked to be woken up when I am wiser and I am older... I would be missing out on so much.  Despite this uphill climb, this process... or should I rather say... it is because of the process that I feel like I am truly living.  I used to think that my "fruit" was my love, my amazing... but I take it back.  That is just one of the blessings that I will encounter and embrace along the way.  The "fruit" or the reward in the journey up is the life that is created... a full and rich life that wasn't wasted left waiting.

I am going to post that song "Wake Me Up" but I am also going to post a blog entry that I found today and enjoyed reading... I hope you read that as well.

Click here to link to the post I mentioned above.  

P.S.  I think I need to add on a new bead, even though I said I was done.  Appreciating the process is an important lesson to remember.  It can be very easy to lose sight of that when things don't seem to be going our way. 

My Epiphany

When I saw the rainbow out of my plane window on my way to Portland this summer, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  It wasn't just that I felt I was at the right place at the right time in that moment, it was more than that.  It was everything that had led me to that moment... my decisions, my thoughts, my feelings... my beliefs.  It was an incredible feeling to know that I essentially created that moment by trusting my gut.

I lost sight of that when I began to slope this week and felt sorry for myself.  Power.  Control.  I need to feel that I have that over my life.  I find comfort in having options and the freedom to make decisions for myself.  I also lost sight of the fact that at any given time during the past two and a half years, I always had what I needed to get me through even the most difficult of times.  Sometimes I had to look harder than others, but it was always there.  I had lost sight of what has gotten me this far.

I was at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens (one of my favorite places here) yesterday when I slowed down, opened my eyes, and had my epiphany.

It revolves around people.  People come and go in our lives constantly.  Some are permanent, some stay for awhile, and most leave.  It's not necessarily the length of the visit, but the impact that they have on you and that is something that cannot be predicted.  That is where the risk lies and the poetic beauty begins.

This past week two individuals invited themselves into my life.  Of course, I cannot predict what will develop and what their impact will be, but at this moment, when I am looking for something... I couldn't help but to want to accept these invitations for if nothing else, to open the door for the unknown opportunity of something.

My first... last Saturday, I sold my husband's dresser on Craigslist.  It was old and small.  It wasn't functional and I don't have extra room to store a dresser.  There had been so many times when he just wanted to put it out on the street, which made me feel better... but the fact that he never did, made it hard for me to do this at the same time.  I cannot keep everything.  There are some things I will not part with.  There are things I was able to get rid of with just a bit of angst.  And then there are those pieces like this that are somewhere in between and I am finding that as time moves on, so are these pieces.  They need to, but they are becoming less and less and it becomes more and more difficult in letting go.


There was actually a good amount of interest in this dresser and I decided to go in the order of who contacted me first.  But then I got a phone call.  They were #2 in line.  But when the man spoke to me, I liked him.  He had a warm voice. Come to find out, he and his wife were expecting their first child and they wanted to use the dresser as a changing table.  Perfect!  What better way to get rid of a sentimental piece than to know that it will become sentimental to the next owner as well.  I said yes and they came the next day.

They were a very cute, very nice couple.  I helped the man carry the dresser downstairs because of course his wife was pregnant.  And as he loaded up the truck, I talked to the woman.  In a matter of 10 minutes we shared our miscarriage stories, our connection to Rochester, different places we have lived in NYC, and my loss of my husband and her loss of her mother both two years ago.  As they left, she told me that she was a hairdresser and that she did hair from home.  Weirdly enough, that was the most out of place comment.  I took that as her way of inviting herself into my life.  It was just up to me to invite her in.  I have not yet done it, but I am going to contact her tomorrow.  Isn't it just a nice thought to think that perhaps my getting rid of Dale's dresser could lead me to meeting two seemingly wonderful people?

The second invitation came from The Professor.  I failed to mention this the other day in "The Professor" because at that time, I was planning on ignoring it.  When he told me that he couldn't give me the serious relationship that I wanted because of his time restraints, he did say that he was open to still getting to know me.  I didn't know what that meant, but I didn't think it was to my benefit, so I never responded to that.  Then came my epiphany and it changed my thoughts.

A time restricted, agenda free, nondate date when I don't have a date... that is what I asked him if that is what he was offering when I texted him today.  And yes he was.  My epiphany reminded me that I may not have control over meeting that person that I want to meet so very much, but I do have control over those other people who want in.  I do have power and I do have control.  I have also had what I needed at any given time... so maybe The Professor is not the one that I am looking for.  But maybe his place is best as a friend, which is what he offered to me.  And why not?  He was that person I wanted to meet, to a tee in fact.  He is interesting.  He is someone that I can get dressed up (which I love to do so much) to go out with, now not to impress, but because that is how he presents himself too.  He is still nice to look at and someone that boosts your ego sitting or walking with on a nondate night out.  I know he can't give me what I want and I know that I deserve all that I want and because of that, I feel like a switch has been turned off.  He will not impede my grueling determination to continue on with online dating and any other avenue to meet more men and generate more dates.  But when I don't have a date, I don't have to feel so alone because perhaps I may just have another :). I have no agenda... other than to find out why he is one of those people who is staying a bit longer.

It's paying attention to little things and having an open mind to help you see them.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I won't know that until things start to play out.  I can say that I felt happy today after my conversation with The Professor.  I never could determine where I stood or how I felt about him before... but it felt right and it made sense for him to be where he is now.  And as for the cute couple... I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.  A hairdresser... of all things!  You know how much help I need in that department!!! 

Reality

So in my last post I was embracing a few of the items that I found on the top 10 list for being single.  Of course I titled it "I Can Do What I Want."  Of course I mentioned my son, as I am not completely selfish and I am in no way a negligent parent.  Of course my babysitter had to cancel on me yesterday when I had plans to go out... only to remind me that in reality, I really can't do exactly what I want whenever I want.  I do have limitations.  And as I was hoping that my follow up post about embracing single hood would have been the one about strengthening friendships and I could have gone on about my fun night out with the girls last night, I was instead left very bummed and once again feeling very alone. 

This had been a tough week for me.  It's not that anything particular happened this week, it just seems that things had played out enough and that they all took they toll on me this week. 

Work:  I've been busy getting my lessons in order and adding on to them to make them more aligned with the new standards.  I am still tossing the idea of my "business" around in my head and because of that I am being extremely anal about the lessons, assessments, and resources that I am using in both.  I'm being so anal that its hindering my work and has put me in slow motion.  I'm tying to perfect and as a result, its taking me forever to get things done!

Working Out:  I decided that for as long as I can before it turns too cold, I was going to run, 2-3 times a week and them add one or two workouts from p90x.  I started off doing great.  I was running 3x a week, which is awesome for me.  But last week, I didn't go once.  I also haven't been working out at home either.  Doing the p90x program for 3 months this spring really made me like working out.  I felt GREAT! and I liked the way my body looked too.... I really need to faithfully commit again. 

Dating:  My last date was in the beginning of September.  I've been on 3 dates since May and they have all been with the same guy.  The very same guy that I said goodbye to earlier this week. 

A Quiet Mind:  I've decided that I like it when my head is thinking.  Lol, that sounds funny, but it's true.  I've stated before how I've had this peaceful lull about me ever since my trip.  However, I feel as if it is just a dull right now.  My posts have felt forced and uninspired.  I've had plenty of thoughts and ideas... but I still cannot seem to find the words to compliment them. 

The Uncontrollable:  I've been frustrated.  I've felt very frustrated because I feel very alone.  And I am really tired of it.  So I have been frustrated.  I have worked very hard at finding myself, becoming a better person... both inside and out, yadda, yadda, yadda... but at the end of the day, I only have so much control over a situation.  There needs to be two to tango and I just can't make it happen.  I can't create someone.  And like this post started... I do have limitations in where I can go and what I can do.  I'm not complaining about the limitations, but frustrated in that the freedoms I do have are not finding me what I want. 

Alone:  I did something the other night for the very first time.  I slept in the middle of my bed.  For over two years I have stayed on my side.  The other night I decided to embrace the fact that I sleep alone and decided to take over my bed.  It was a lonely feeling.  It's been too long.  I am not talking about sex.  Sex is easy.  It's been too long snuggling right up into someone and feeling a warm body against your back. 

So... all this kind of hit its mark on me this week.  And I felt sorry for myself, especially last night because I was so looking forward to dressing up, going out to one of my favorite neighborhoods, and spending time with friends.  Instead I bought a bottle of wine and I planned a night getaway next weekend with my sister.  We're meeting near Watkins Glen (gorgeous!) and will just find various fall festivities to do.  My son will have fun with his cousins and I'll get to see my big sis.  I also officially decided that I am going to Disney in February and I began some planning for that last night too. 

You know what?  It worked.  I had a great day today... I even had an epiphany!  

I Can Do What I Want

I've felt that this new phase of my life is meant for me to embrace, love, and accept my life... the good, the bad, and the ugly.  My "writer's block" has really prevented my from writing as much as I'd like and I haven't thought about and shared what I am and have been and hope to embrace with all that has, is, and will be coming my way.  But for now as I still am, I am going to focus on...

Embracing Singlehood...

No compromising.  No explaining or justifying.  No guilt. 

I love the feeling of being able to come and go as I please.  I love being able to spend all of the major holidays with my family.  I love being able to get up and go visit them whenever I want and for however long I want.  It is liberating to be able to make a decision that I want to do something and being able to do it.  The only person in the way is me.  I have taken day trips, long weekend trips, and long vacation trips that revolved around my schedule.  I had the freedom to choose where I wanted to go and to do what I wanted to do there.
*I do take my son into consideration and I do make decisions that revolve around him.  With him, it doesn't feel like I am compromising.  I love doing "his thing" with him too.  But when I am not, I have gotten over myself and don't feel guilty when I go out and do things without him.  We both deserve that time away from one another. 

I can go at my own pace.  I am not a natural domestic woman.  I like a clean home, but it is not always in tip top shape.  I do make sure that certain things are clean, like the floor my son plays on so much and I always do the dishes.  However, right now, I am still in the middle of putting away and organizing from my room swapping/redecorating fiasco.  There are some corners of my apartment that are pretty messy!  Does it bother me?  Yes.  But I am not going to break my back or stay up super late or not blog to tackle it quicker.  It's just me and my son.  He's not complaining, so I am content with having it take a week rather than a couple nights to sort out.  And I don't have to feel guilty about it nor do I need to explain myself.

Redecorating.... I have done quite a bit in my apartment in the past two years and other than an orange wall request from my son for his bedroom, I called all the shots.  This place is completely me.  It feels good.  I feel comfortable here... as I should, right? 



It was very difficult to admit that my new found single hood was both liberating and exhilarating.  I remind myself that I was right there with him in the storm of his depression and it was debilitating and consuming.  He chose what he chose.  And he left me by my self.  So when I tell myself that I am embracing what life has given to me and making it my own and making do what I need to find peace and happiness... that is a pill I can swallow.  And I can embrace. 

The Professor

Ahhh... The Professor.  Dr. Alluring.  The very intelligent, sophisticated, tall, blonde, blue eyed sexy man complete with an accent... that one, well I had to say "auf wiedersehen" to him the other day.  :(

He was indeed very alluring as he was very much the person that I had wanted to date.  I knew full well that didn't mean that he was the right person for me, but he did hit all the marks on my (shallow) wish list.  He was also the man that inspired the posts "Be Careful What You Wish For" and "The Poll."

In all fairness he was much more than my shallow list.  I really liked him and I wanted to get to know him better.  But he was guarded and somewhat closed off as he didn't get too personal.  That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, especially at first, because I didn't want to get too personal myself.  But I had met him at the end of July.  Then came my three week vacation, a hard time syncing schedules, and a week long business trip for him and voila, we saw each other 3 times in two months with very little communication in between. 

I liked him immediately, but as I posted previously, that feeling, that feeling, never struck me with him.  I had hoped that I would and as I got to know him more it would reveal itself to me.  But I never got to really know him and that doubt was always there.  That doubt was also there too because I was very cautious with him.  I was cautious because he was that man that I wanted to date and I didn't want to get caught up in that because I was very well aware that what I really want is so much more than that silly list.  I had wondered if my cautiousness was part of the problem.  Looking back on it now, I think it was partly my gut feeling... and it was right.

Two weeks ago, I told him that I liked him, but that I was very disappointed in how little I knew him after two months.  I asked if he felt too busy with work or if he had lost interest, etc. hoping to spark an honest response.  All I got was that he wanted to see me when he got back from his business trip.  And I told myself to trust that if he wants to see me, he will make it happen and I didn't pursue.  Needless to say, he didn't make it happen.

On Monday, I said goodbye.  I told him I felt like he wasn't interested and I was walking.  He responded, sounded somewhat confused.  I responded back with what was pretty much the conversation (textation) I had with Jesse at the very end.  He did text me yesterday to tell me that he was preoccupied with the business he is starting up and that he was limited with his time.  In all honesty, that's what I believed it to be, as opposed to someone else.

But is it bad timing yet again!?!?  I think that I believe now that there is never the perfect time, but the right time is the exact time that you are together in the moment.  You need to make it happen regardless of the outside factors.  As long as the interest and desire is mutually strong and you are both willing to make it work, you just have to do it.

What I took from my experience with him...

• I am capable of attracting a man that I want.  
• I think that for me, that feeling is one that I will have right away.
• I need a man that I can describe as warm.
• Google tells me that German men are rated the worst in bed... unfortunately I cannot state my opinion on that, but he was by far the best kisser.  I think Google may be wrong!
• An intelligent, sophisticated man isn't any better or smarter than the average joe when it comes to women and dating.
• I am really ready to find him.  Really.