I am going to take advantage this (almost) last day of February, aka the month of love according to The Happiness Project to write again about (or more accurately, lack there of) it...
I have been a hypocrite. I write all the time about the little things and how they mean so much and I truly do believe that. However... I feel as if I have overlooked some events that have happened recently and have downplayed them because they weren't "big" enough and by doing that, I wasn't being fair to myself.
"Big" events... There are those moments, those events that will always stand out and be remembered no matter how long time has passed... wedding days, birth of a child, death of a loved one... Fortunately and unfortunately, these events don't happen very often and that is part of the reason why they hold such significance. It's hard to compare "regular" days with days such as these and perhaps there is a reason why.
My husband passing is obviously one of those significant events that has happened to me. It was so overwhelmingly traumatic that the emotions felt outweighed all of the happiness that I felt on my wedding day and do I even dare say all of the joy I felt on the day my son was born? Probably so despite the enormous and genuine happiness and joy I felt on those two days. That's just to put into perspective how painful his death was. So how can I compare other events to one such as that? I shouldn't, but I have.
When things did not work out with the guy that I had been seeing for the past few months, I minimized its importance by comparing it to the pain felt when I lost my husband. Comparing other events to those big ones would make most events seem trivial. However, this break up is still bothering me. I am still hung up. So, it's not trivial. There were many little things that happened in this relationship and they do mean something. I think that I have finally realized this and that is why I now just realized how much I truly liked this guy and how hurt I really am in this present moment.
Because I minimized his importance, I immediately jumped back out into the dating world. Literally, just a day or two later. And in these past three weeks, ugh... it's been brutal out there. I've been hellbent in getting back out there so quickly, but it hasn't helped at all in moving on. It actually has made me feel worse. And it only has been... three weeks!
This man truly played a significant role. In the beginning, he was absolutely wonderful. With him, I was able to feel again. It happened so easily and quickly with him and I felt an indescribable amount of appreciation because it was he who provided the safety and comfort to allow that for me. That's about as big of a deal as I could have experienced at that time in my life only four months ago. And I loved who he was for that. I know that I needed to say good bye to him, but the more significant and influential a person is in your life, the deeper it hurts and I again am enduring (in its own right) another loss.
So, I will no longer compare happinesses or pain to those "big" events. They are in a class by themselves for a reason and that is where they need to stay. I want to find complete bliss in those little things and I want to appreciate and grow from pain and hurt that I know I can never escape from. But I must feel them for what they are truly worth and in order to do that, they just cannot be minimized.
I have been a hypocrite. I write all the time about the little things and how they mean so much and I truly do believe that. However... I feel as if I have overlooked some events that have happened recently and have downplayed them because they weren't "big" enough and by doing that, I wasn't being fair to myself.
"Big" events... There are those moments, those events that will always stand out and be remembered no matter how long time has passed... wedding days, birth of a child, death of a loved one... Fortunately and unfortunately, these events don't happen very often and that is part of the reason why they hold such significance. It's hard to compare "regular" days with days such as these and perhaps there is a reason why.
My husband passing is obviously one of those significant events that has happened to me. It was so overwhelmingly traumatic that the emotions felt outweighed all of the happiness that I felt on my wedding day and do I even dare say all of the joy I felt on the day my son was born? Probably so despite the enormous and genuine happiness and joy I felt on those two days. That's just to put into perspective how painful his death was. So how can I compare other events to one such as that? I shouldn't, but I have.
When things did not work out with the guy that I had been seeing for the past few months, I minimized its importance by comparing it to the pain felt when I lost my husband. Comparing other events to those big ones would make most events seem trivial. However, this break up is still bothering me. I am still hung up. So, it's not trivial. There were many little things that happened in this relationship and they do mean something. I think that I have finally realized this and that is why I now just realized how much I truly liked this guy and how hurt I really am in this present moment.
Because I minimized his importance, I immediately jumped back out into the dating world. Literally, just a day or two later. And in these past three weeks, ugh... it's been brutal out there. I've been hellbent in getting back out there so quickly, but it hasn't helped at all in moving on. It actually has made me feel worse. And it only has been... three weeks!
This man truly played a significant role. In the beginning, he was absolutely wonderful. With him, I was able to feel again. It happened so easily and quickly with him and I felt an indescribable amount of appreciation because it was he who provided the safety and comfort to allow that for me. That's about as big of a deal as I could have experienced at that time in my life only four months ago. And I loved who he was for that. I know that I needed to say good bye to him, but the more significant and influential a person is in your life, the deeper it hurts and I again am enduring (in its own right) another loss.
So, I will no longer compare happinesses or pain to those "big" events. They are in a class by themselves for a reason and that is where they need to stay. I want to find complete bliss in those little things and I want to appreciate and grow from pain and hurt that I know I can never escape from. But I must feel them for what they are truly worth and in order to do that, they just cannot be minimized.
No comments:
Post a Comment