I know, after all of my spiel about not making assumptions, here I go. I am going to assume. Truth is, I think that I have already assumed, so why not assume a bit more. And yes, this is about that guy and its about communication. Just bear with me.
I had two conversations with two different people today and they really made me think. The first one was with a female friend. She is my age, single (never married and no children), and lives a very active and social life, very much like him. I asked her if she feels that the freedom of her lifestyle makes it easy to become self focused. She understood what I really meant by the question and admitted it would be a tough transition entering into a relationship with someone like me who already has a child because our lifestyles are very different. It's not a gradual change as a couple would go through together having their first child together and in my case, the father role is open, perhaps putting on even more pressure. So she said that even for someone like her who loves children and even wants them one day, it would be difficult to transition.
This conversation also led to women "like us." She shared how she had been told by boyfriends of her past that she is a tough woman to date. She is very independent, intelligent and knows what she wants. She went on to say that even though most men like to say they want an independent woman, they still want a woman to take care of as well. It's also easier to take care of someone who is financial dependent and who is materialistically needy as well. Needs such as I desire, can be intimidating. You're asking someone to give part of themselves. That requires effort, constant effort. It also requires you to put yourself out there and to possibly disappoint or be rejected. Being single into your mid-thirties can lead to quite a different perspective even if you have only dated a handful of people. The people of our pasts have all left a mark, good or bad, whether we want it there or not. The more people you have dated, the more influenced you could possibly be. And if they ended... the influence is more than likely not all positive.
My second conversation came from a friend with whom I haven't heard from in a while. I actually didn't think to much of it, so I was a bit surprised to hear that there was an actual reason. This friend assumed that we were on a different level of friendship and was disappointed in me that I didn't share things going on in my life as openly as he had expected me to. Yes, a male friend. A friend that I actually care alot about. Not so sure I would text "I love you" to him, but I would give him a kidney if needed. And no, I never mentioned him. Anyways... this conversation made me realize even more that the breakdown with my guy (not the friend) was in communication and that I could have said more to make my thoughts, intentions, needs, and wants known. I did not blatantly ignore any questions or requests from him as he did to me. But, I left a lot open too. I left a lot of space for assumptions. (And not everyone has read The Four Agreements, lol). Does that mean I am taking his blame? No way! He never asked. But there were many questions that I didn't ask either.
So let's assume... you are in the shoes of someone starting off a new relationship with me. Your last relationship ended badly and you were with someone who was financially dependent and let's just say... emotional. You meet someone like me and let's assume at first it's like a breath of fresh air and you really like and appreciate me. As you get to know me more you not only realize but are told by me yourself that I am both financially and emotionally stable and independent and never are told nor do you ask what I need and want in a relationship and what I am looking for in this one. What you do know is that I seem to appreciate life in a more simplistic form like enjoying the moment and the presence of somebody rather than presents from somebody. You know that I have a child and am very active with him and so you constantly talk about your niece and nephews and show off more pictures of them than I do of my son. You also know that I am a widow and this is the first real relationship that I have been in since my husband. As you get to know me more, you also realize that I am a person who does not have a very outgoing and active social life. I have a more intimate social life. When I do go out, I come home early because I have a child and therefore have to rely on a babysitter in order to go out. This is very different than your own and its one that you enjoy. Would it be safe to assume that this is a lot to take in? And if we assume that you really liked me, would it be possible that puts the pressure on. Maybe it even makes you want to take this slow because it could potentially lead to a very different change in life and you wonder if you are really ready for that. But if you are thinking that way, you're thinking ahead, so you must really like me. So let's assume a bit more and say that the women in your past have been more involved in your life. Meaning, they asked more questions of you like where you have been, what have you been doing, and who have you been with. They also demanded more attention. You have also noticed that I seem more reserved after getting back together. Perhaps you assume that you don't know what it means that I don't ask those probing questions about your whereabouts and my reservation makes you a bit nervous. Perhaps you assume that I am not so much into you. So you begin to back off a bit. Distancing yourself is your way of protecting yourself from getting hurt and you also need the time to think about all of this.
Did I assume that I was being played because if I were in fact the other woman, it made the puzzle appear to be complete and that's what I wanted, to just know... something!?
My need to not repeat mistakes is definitely something in my mind constantly. One mistake that I do not want to repeat is to deny what is in front of me. I do not want to excuse behaviors that effect me in a negative way because I know I deserve so much more than that. Is it possible though that I assumed worst case scenario because of my desire to protect myself and to prove to myself that I really have learned from my mistakes, so if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck... Even though he says its not a duck, I don't want overlook what the overwhelming amount of evidence points and I assume that it is a duck. I don't want to be a fool and I don't want to be burned. This is a sure way to keep myself as safe as I can now.
But, there is another part of me. There is the part of me that has really come to believe in "The Four Agreements" and have felt the power when following them. What I am assuming of him, makes him disgusting to me. There is still the innocent in me who wants to believe in the goodness of people and in him. Could I have been that off in who I thought he was? There is also the part of me who has emerged in this past year as a strong and confident woman. I feel like I know what is important in life. I know what I want for both myself and my son. I know what I deserve. I know what I lost. Having said that, I trust in myself that I will make the best decisions without compromise as I am focused on finding my amazing and creating an amazing life together. I am in no rush and I certainly am not going to force it to happen with just anyone.
But for just a minute, let's assume. Let's assume the best case scenario and everything added up in a different way. A way I never could have imagined because there is a whole part of the story that I do not know. It seems unlikely, I know. Life doesn't work in a fantasy, fairy tale like way. But what if it did. Don't we all want that fairy tale happy ending? It sounds irrational... but, "If you always chose the rational, you may miss out on the extraordinary."
There are some people that just get to us. For some reason, he is one of them. That does not excuse him from any of his actions and behaviors. However, I want to truly see the power of an open communication, so I need to open the door. I am going to respond to his last text in which he said its not what it seems and that he does want to talk to me about it. Even though it had been 3 days already and I told myself I wouldn't, I am going to do this for me, not for him. I want to stand by my beliefs and I am confident that I can do this and stay true to myself.
So let's assume... nothing. And see what happens.
I had two conversations with two different people today and they really made me think. The first one was with a female friend. She is my age, single (never married and no children), and lives a very active and social life, very much like him. I asked her if she feels that the freedom of her lifestyle makes it easy to become self focused. She understood what I really meant by the question and admitted it would be a tough transition entering into a relationship with someone like me who already has a child because our lifestyles are very different. It's not a gradual change as a couple would go through together having their first child together and in my case, the father role is open, perhaps putting on even more pressure. So she said that even for someone like her who loves children and even wants them one day, it would be difficult to transition.
This conversation also led to women "like us." She shared how she had been told by boyfriends of her past that she is a tough woman to date. She is very independent, intelligent and knows what she wants. She went on to say that even though most men like to say they want an independent woman, they still want a woman to take care of as well. It's also easier to take care of someone who is financial dependent and who is materialistically needy as well. Needs such as I desire, can be intimidating. You're asking someone to give part of themselves. That requires effort, constant effort. It also requires you to put yourself out there and to possibly disappoint or be rejected. Being single into your mid-thirties can lead to quite a different perspective even if you have only dated a handful of people. The people of our pasts have all left a mark, good or bad, whether we want it there or not. The more people you have dated, the more influenced you could possibly be. And if they ended... the influence is more than likely not all positive.
My second conversation came from a friend with whom I haven't heard from in a while. I actually didn't think to much of it, so I was a bit surprised to hear that there was an actual reason. This friend assumed that we were on a different level of friendship and was disappointed in me that I didn't share things going on in my life as openly as he had expected me to. Yes, a male friend. A friend that I actually care alot about. Not so sure I would text "I love you" to him, but I would give him a kidney if needed. And no, I never mentioned him. Anyways... this conversation made me realize even more that the breakdown with my guy (not the friend) was in communication and that I could have said more to make my thoughts, intentions, needs, and wants known. I did not blatantly ignore any questions or requests from him as he did to me. But, I left a lot open too. I left a lot of space for assumptions. (And not everyone has read The Four Agreements, lol). Does that mean I am taking his blame? No way! He never asked. But there were many questions that I didn't ask either.
So let's assume... you are in the shoes of someone starting off a new relationship with me. Your last relationship ended badly and you were with someone who was financially dependent and let's just say... emotional. You meet someone like me and let's assume at first it's like a breath of fresh air and you really like and appreciate me. As you get to know me more you not only realize but are told by me yourself that I am both financially and emotionally stable and independent and never are told nor do you ask what I need and want in a relationship and what I am looking for in this one. What you do know is that I seem to appreciate life in a more simplistic form like enjoying the moment and the presence of somebody rather than presents from somebody. You know that I have a child and am very active with him and so you constantly talk about your niece and nephews and show off more pictures of them than I do of my son. You also know that I am a widow and this is the first real relationship that I have been in since my husband. As you get to know me more, you also realize that I am a person who does not have a very outgoing and active social life. I have a more intimate social life. When I do go out, I come home early because I have a child and therefore have to rely on a babysitter in order to go out. This is very different than your own and its one that you enjoy. Would it be safe to assume that this is a lot to take in? And if we assume that you really liked me, would it be possible that puts the pressure on. Maybe it even makes you want to take this slow because it could potentially lead to a very different change in life and you wonder if you are really ready for that. But if you are thinking that way, you're thinking ahead, so you must really like me. So let's assume a bit more and say that the women in your past have been more involved in your life. Meaning, they asked more questions of you like where you have been, what have you been doing, and who have you been with. They also demanded more attention. You have also noticed that I seem more reserved after getting back together. Perhaps you assume that you don't know what it means that I don't ask those probing questions about your whereabouts and my reservation makes you a bit nervous. Perhaps you assume that I am not so much into you. So you begin to back off a bit. Distancing yourself is your way of protecting yourself from getting hurt and you also need the time to think about all of this.
Did I assume that I was being played because if I were in fact the other woman, it made the puzzle appear to be complete and that's what I wanted, to just know... something!?
My need to not repeat mistakes is definitely something in my mind constantly. One mistake that I do not want to repeat is to deny what is in front of me. I do not want to excuse behaviors that effect me in a negative way because I know I deserve so much more than that. Is it possible though that I assumed worst case scenario because of my desire to protect myself and to prove to myself that I really have learned from my mistakes, so if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck... Even though he says its not a duck, I don't want overlook what the overwhelming amount of evidence points and I assume that it is a duck. I don't want to be a fool and I don't want to be burned. This is a sure way to keep myself as safe as I can now.
But, there is another part of me. There is the part of me that has really come to believe in "The Four Agreements" and have felt the power when following them. What I am assuming of him, makes him disgusting to me. There is still the innocent in me who wants to believe in the goodness of people and in him. Could I have been that off in who I thought he was? There is also the part of me who has emerged in this past year as a strong and confident woman. I feel like I know what is important in life. I know what I want for both myself and my son. I know what I deserve. I know what I lost. Having said that, I trust in myself that I will make the best decisions without compromise as I am focused on finding my amazing and creating an amazing life together. I am in no rush and I certainly am not going to force it to happen with just anyone.
But for just a minute, let's assume. Let's assume the best case scenario and everything added up in a different way. A way I never could have imagined because there is a whole part of the story that I do not know. It seems unlikely, I know. Life doesn't work in a fantasy, fairy tale like way. But what if it did. Don't we all want that fairy tale happy ending? It sounds irrational... but, "If you always chose the rational, you may miss out on the extraordinary."
There are some people that just get to us. For some reason, he is one of them. That does not excuse him from any of his actions and behaviors. However, I want to truly see the power of an open communication, so I need to open the door. I am going to respond to his last text in which he said its not what it seems and that he does want to talk to me about it. Even though it had been 3 days already and I told myself I wouldn't, I am going to do this for me, not for him. I want to stand by my beliefs and I am confident that I can do this and stay true to myself.
So let's assume... nothing. And see what happens.
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