Touched

It may appear that I have been a bit hung up on all of my dating drama and subsequent breakup as it has captured my blogging focus now for quite some time.  Truth is, I have been hung up.  I didn't think I would be as I wrote in an earlier post that I had not fallen in love and I know a far deeper hurt than one such as this.

However, it took a text from a friend last night to make me realize why this has been so difficult.  She had told me that I was brave for putting my heart out there.  And I truly did.  I may not have fallen in love, but I wanted to, with him.  That is such a big deal for me.  I once had an unbearable amount of pain, hurt, and confusion. I was afraid of disappointing, to be myself, to share my thoughts and feelings, to let someone in.  In the past four months, I had to walk through all of that to get to where I am right now.  That is not to say that I have left behind all of my fears, doubts, and pain, but I have been able to face them and move on despite what lingers.  And it wasn't as scary and as difficult as I imagined it would be.  He just happened to be the person that I did this with and there is a part of me that loves him for that. 

So this is my "This is what I learned" post so that I can now move on from him.

• I will no longer ever feel guilty about any happiness that I find.  It is never too early nor too easy to find happiness.  Embrace that happiness because you never know how long it is going to last. 
•  Life happens to everyone.  We all have our own issues and battles to fight.  Just because I am a young widow with a child doesn't mean I carry drama with me.  It's all in how we accept and handle what life has thrown at us that counts most.
• Dating is often called a game.  You play by your own rules and the ones that you create with your partner.  Share what you want when you feel it is right.   Ask for what you need when you need it.  And if you don't play by the same rules... game over.  
• Your gut is not psychic nor is it immediate.  I can still trust mine.
• I miss being in a relationship.  I miss having that someone special in my life.  I only got a taste of it in this one.  I truly miss it and I am ready to find someone with whom I can develop and create a meaningful relationship with.
• Communication, whether its a lack of it altogether or not given honestly, it breaks down so many other aspects in a relationship like trust, reliability, respect, and your ability to believe in someone.  
• It does take courage to reveal yourself to another.  We keep our true inner selves well protected.  But as comfort sets in and the petals begin to fall off, be honest and true... to yourself and to your partner so that when that last petal falls and all you are left with is your core, let it be the real you, as is.  This you cannot fear, because if you do, you fear finding something amazing.   

White Petals