He's always there. Even as time has begun to glaze over the memories. They are still alive despite being stuck in time. You never know where and when a memory will be triggered just as you don't know what memory will be plucked from your mind. Most of the time the memory is something that I keep to myself, acknowledging it with a smile and then moving along in my day. Sometimes it will cause me to share a little story with my son about his father. Sometimes though, the memory is a tough one to handle. It may be one that I prefer to not to remember. You just never know until it hits you.
Today it hit me as I stood in the deli line at the grocery store. It was the song that came on the store radio that joggled me mind. As soon as I heard it, there became almost an instant battle within my brain between wanting to shut the song and the memories out vs. wanting to shut the world out so that I could just feel it. I could feel the tears start to well up and somehow I just shut down everything so that I could continue in a normal manner. Twelve hours later, here I am and I am just now releasing some of the emotions.
The song, "You Found Me" by The Fray is probably one of the most painful songs because of what it lures out of me. The song questions God as to where he was when he was needed most. The lyrics are not thoughts or questions that I ever had. But I know that towards the end my husband asked those questions. I know that because I heard him ask them out loud in front of me on which ended up being the last night that I ever spent with him. That was not the last night of his life, but it was the night that his illness overtook him in such a way that I don't think there was ever any turning back from that point in his mind.
Two years ago, I was living in a nightmare. One that I still find difficult to grasp onto and fully comprehend even to this day. For me, I honestly don't remember ever questioning God. Once my husband was gone, I needed to believe more than anything that God was with him and taking care of him and that my husband had finally found the peace that he so desperately needed.
I was recently asked, if given the opportunity, if I would want to speak with a reputable medium. My answer was immediate and without a second thought. I have worked so hard to accept what had happened and to find peace despite what had happened. I believe to the very core of me that my husband now too is at peace. There is nothing that a medium could say to me to make me feel better. Essentially, I believe what I want to believe. I believe what allows me to fall asleep at night, to function and to smile and to be happy during the day, and to raise my son with absolute love and enjoyment. I found my peace. There is nothing that could be said to me to add to it and there is no reason to puncture the life that I have worked so hard to creative with even the slightest shred of doubt that my world, my beliefs are anything else but true.
Loved ones lost... there are pieces of them all around. They are always around. Always.
Today it hit me as I stood in the deli line at the grocery store. It was the song that came on the store radio that joggled me mind. As soon as I heard it, there became almost an instant battle within my brain between wanting to shut the song and the memories out vs. wanting to shut the world out so that I could just feel it. I could feel the tears start to well up and somehow I just shut down everything so that I could continue in a normal manner. Twelve hours later, here I am and I am just now releasing some of the emotions.
The song, "You Found Me" by The Fray is probably one of the most painful songs because of what it lures out of me. The song questions God as to where he was when he was needed most. The lyrics are not thoughts or questions that I ever had. But I know that towards the end my husband asked those questions. I know that because I heard him ask them out loud in front of me on which ended up being the last night that I ever spent with him. That was not the last night of his life, but it was the night that his illness overtook him in such a way that I don't think there was ever any turning back from that point in his mind.
Two years ago, I was living in a nightmare. One that I still find difficult to grasp onto and fully comprehend even to this day. For me, I honestly don't remember ever questioning God. Once my husband was gone, I needed to believe more than anything that God was with him and taking care of him and that my husband had finally found the peace that he so desperately needed.
I was recently asked, if given the opportunity, if I would want to speak with a reputable medium. My answer was immediate and without a second thought. I have worked so hard to accept what had happened and to find peace despite what had happened. I believe to the very core of me that my husband now too is at peace. There is nothing that a medium could say to me to make me feel better. Essentially, I believe what I want to believe. I believe what allows me to fall asleep at night, to function and to smile and to be happy during the day, and to raise my son with absolute love and enjoyment. I found my peace. There is nothing that could be said to me to add to it and there is no reason to puncture the life that I have worked so hard to creative with even the slightest shred of doubt that my world, my beliefs are anything else but true.
Loved ones lost... there are pieces of them all around. They are always around. Always.
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