Yesterday, as I was waiting with some of my students for the bus to arrive during dismissal, I was asked what time in my life would I go back to if I could time travel. It was such an innocent question and rightfully so considering it came from a nine year old girl in 4th grade.
It took a me a few seconds as a few moments popped into my head that would be wonderful to relive. However, once the idea came to mind, I knew exactly what time period I would want to go back to, despite there being many other significant and wonderful times to revisit. If I could go back in time, I would go back to my freshman year in college when I first met my husband.
Ignorance was bliss for me back then and I was guided by love. I can't say that I didn't think at all, but I didn't act on most of those thoughts that my young, innocent, and inexperienced mind had. In no way am I suggesting that I regret my life with my husband. I don't and never have. In some ways now I envy the girl that was able to be guided by love as opposed now to the woman who is trying so hard to balance feelings with rationalities based on life's experiences. Life seemed so much simpler back then.
However, in going back to the time, I can now see how behaviors (in both of us) were developed and accepted by the other. There were issues that came up back then that I wish I had better addressed or addressed at all. I wish that I had been a stronger person back then. I could make a list of wishes, but the main reason for those wishes would not be to put me on an entirely different path. The intentions of my wishes would be for me to have been a smarter person so that my husband and I would have started off with a stronger and healthier foundation. Would that have led to a different outcome? Obviously I have no idea. But I just feel that the beginning of us seemed to be the best place to start.
One of the time periods that passed my mind was of course two years ago. I would never want to relive those last few months. My husband was not (himself) my husband and it was hell. In those last few months, for the first time, I did possess both components of rational, healthy thinking and pure love. Looking back on that time, I am not sure what I could have done differently. I acted and spoke with both respect and love towards him. I loved him perhaps to a fault and I believe with all of my heart that he knew that. It just wasn't about love. It was about so much more even though I still don't comprehend the complexity of it all.
These are not places I go on my own. My mind wandered here yesterday because I was asked a specific question and I let my mind wander down this path. I know the dangers of walking down this road because like I even stated above, it leads to the "I wish" and the what ifs and you just can't do that to yourself. What I can take from this is that I feel happy in what I didn't feel I needed to wish for. I don't feel like I would need to go back and tell him that I loved him. I don't feel as if I needed to wish that we had done x, y, and z. Despite all of the complications and the depression, we did live a full life. And I loved him unconditionally.
But it would be priceless to see him once again even if just for a moment.... full of life and with our son. :'(
It took a me a few seconds as a few moments popped into my head that would be wonderful to relive. However, once the idea came to mind, I knew exactly what time period I would want to go back to, despite there being many other significant and wonderful times to revisit. If I could go back in time, I would go back to my freshman year in college when I first met my husband.
Ignorance was bliss for me back then and I was guided by love. I can't say that I didn't think at all, but I didn't act on most of those thoughts that my young, innocent, and inexperienced mind had. In no way am I suggesting that I regret my life with my husband. I don't and never have. In some ways now I envy the girl that was able to be guided by love as opposed now to the woman who is trying so hard to balance feelings with rationalities based on life's experiences. Life seemed so much simpler back then.
However, in going back to the time, I can now see how behaviors (in both of us) were developed and accepted by the other. There were issues that came up back then that I wish I had better addressed or addressed at all. I wish that I had been a stronger person back then. I could make a list of wishes, but the main reason for those wishes would not be to put me on an entirely different path. The intentions of my wishes would be for me to have been a smarter person so that my husband and I would have started off with a stronger and healthier foundation. Would that have led to a different outcome? Obviously I have no idea. But I just feel that the beginning of us seemed to be the best place to start.
One of the time periods that passed my mind was of course two years ago. I would never want to relive those last few months. My husband was not (himself) my husband and it was hell. In those last few months, for the first time, I did possess both components of rational, healthy thinking and pure love. Looking back on that time, I am not sure what I could have done differently. I acted and spoke with both respect and love towards him. I loved him perhaps to a fault and I believe with all of my heart that he knew that. It just wasn't about love. It was about so much more even though I still don't comprehend the complexity of it all.
These are not places I go on my own. My mind wandered here yesterday because I was asked a specific question and I let my mind wander down this path. I know the dangers of walking down this road because like I even stated above, it leads to the "I wish" and the what ifs and you just can't do that to yourself. What I can take from this is that I feel happy in what I didn't feel I needed to wish for. I don't feel like I would need to go back and tell him that I loved him. I don't feel as if I needed to wish that we had done x, y, and z. Despite all of the complications and the depression, we did live a full life. And I loved him unconditionally.
But it would be priceless to see him once again even if just for a moment.... full of life and with our son. :'(
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