Where have I been for the past week? I have been following my heart. It led me to swallow a bit of pride and to initiate contact with that guy.
Timing... for the past three months I had wanted to hear from him. But timing is everything. If it came too quickly, then it didn't leave enough time for either one of us to learn and grow. So as much as I wanted to hear from him in the beginning, I knew it was better that I didn't. However, there was no guarantee that I would hear from him at any time, that was something that I couldn't count on. So, I did my best to move on and I did so by exploring and improving upon my own self which included conversing with other men and going out on dates. I tried to keep an open mind and I tried not to compare any of the men to him and I honestly feel like I did a good job with that. But I felt no spark with any of them. I did learn something from each experience, but I must say that without manipulation, that guy just seemed to fit even more (all while I am still fully aware of what he had been lacking in as well).
During those past three months, I also went on the journey of exploring the stages of grief surrounding my husband. One of the triggers for this journey was what had happened with that guy. His lack of communication with me really pushed my buttons of pain and hurt and in a way put me in a panic/protection mode. I feared walking down the same path that I let myself get lost on with my husband. Everything (the relationship) was so new to me and I wasn't sure of my own strength yet. So... I panicked, I assumed, and I said goodbye. Shortly after is when I shared my thoughts and feelings on the stages of grief and what I came out of that, forgiveness.
I have not been shy about sharing what I have learned about myself and about life during the past year and half. I even have concrete reminders in my charm bracelet which I have also not been shy about sharing. What occurred to me was that it was all fine and good to learn all of these lessons, but what is the point of learning lessons if they are not actually practiced and used. Isn't that the true test? Everything seemed to lead back to that guy.
On my drive back to my hometown for my grandmother's funeral, I had eight hours to think about whether or not I truly wanted to be the one to initiate contact and what exactly I had wanted to say. I had so many thoughts running through my head, but the one thing that I knew for sure was that I needed to be completely honest. What would be the point otherwise?
I also knew that the timing had to be just right. I felt it getting close. And last Sunday, I did it. I sent a text with nothing but my truth. I had told him that I was not writing to disrupt his life or to change our paths. I told him that I had thought about just asking if he'd like to meet for drink, but because of the way it ended, I decided not to because I never really knew what had happened, his truth. I didn't want to create a situation with potential expectations or pressure when I honestly didn't know what I wanted to have come out of it. I had no agenda. I told him that I hated how things ended and that I hate drama and nonsense and especially didn't want that with him. Then I got to the true reason, I had wanted to change the ending. {Through my growth in the past 3 months, I can see the big picture. I didn't take what happened personally and by having him in my life it allowed me to learn and move on in so many ways I couldn't do on my own. I wanted to practice all that I learned... forgiveness, the 4 Agreements, expressing my own thought with truth and dignity, etc.} I told him that I am writing entirely for my benefit and went on to tell him that I was happy to have met him, I hope that things have settled down in his life, and I wished him the best.
That was absolutely my truth. I couldn't say to him that I wanted to try again because I honestly don't know if I want to. As I have always felt with him, everything is in the moment. I would first need to just see him and take things from there, no agenda. But, I also felt too that even though the timing was right for me, it wasn't for him (either there is no time for me aka no spark or still he's just not in the right place for a true relationship). But, I can't wait on that, so I needed closure and I wanted a more positive one with him because he was special and he did mean so much.
My text did elicit a response and it was one that I didn't expect.
Timing... for the past three months I had wanted to hear from him. But timing is everything. If it came too quickly, then it didn't leave enough time for either one of us to learn and grow. So as much as I wanted to hear from him in the beginning, I knew it was better that I didn't. However, there was no guarantee that I would hear from him at any time, that was something that I couldn't count on. So, I did my best to move on and I did so by exploring and improving upon my own self which included conversing with other men and going out on dates. I tried to keep an open mind and I tried not to compare any of the men to him and I honestly feel like I did a good job with that. But I felt no spark with any of them. I did learn something from each experience, but I must say that without manipulation, that guy just seemed to fit even more (all while I am still fully aware of what he had been lacking in as well).
During those past three months, I also went on the journey of exploring the stages of grief surrounding my husband. One of the triggers for this journey was what had happened with that guy. His lack of communication with me really pushed my buttons of pain and hurt and in a way put me in a panic/protection mode. I feared walking down the same path that I let myself get lost on with my husband. Everything (the relationship) was so new to me and I wasn't sure of my own strength yet. So... I panicked, I assumed, and I said goodbye. Shortly after is when I shared my thoughts and feelings on the stages of grief and what I came out of that, forgiveness.
I have not been shy about sharing what I have learned about myself and about life during the past year and half. I even have concrete reminders in my charm bracelet which I have also not been shy about sharing. What occurred to me was that it was all fine and good to learn all of these lessons, but what is the point of learning lessons if they are not actually practiced and used. Isn't that the true test? Everything seemed to lead back to that guy.
On my drive back to my hometown for my grandmother's funeral, I had eight hours to think about whether or not I truly wanted to be the one to initiate contact and what exactly I had wanted to say. I had so many thoughts running through my head, but the one thing that I knew for sure was that I needed to be completely honest. What would be the point otherwise?
I also knew that the timing had to be just right. I felt it getting close. And last Sunday, I did it. I sent a text with nothing but my truth. I had told him that I was not writing to disrupt his life or to change our paths. I told him that I had thought about just asking if he'd like to meet for drink, but because of the way it ended, I decided not to because I never really knew what had happened, his truth. I didn't want to create a situation with potential expectations or pressure when I honestly didn't know what I wanted to have come out of it. I had no agenda. I told him that I hated how things ended and that I hate drama and nonsense and especially didn't want that with him. Then I got to the true reason, I had wanted to change the ending. {Through my growth in the past 3 months, I can see the big picture. I didn't take what happened personally and by having him in my life it allowed me to learn and move on in so many ways I couldn't do on my own. I wanted to practice all that I learned... forgiveness, the 4 Agreements, expressing my own thought with truth and dignity, etc.} I told him that I am writing entirely for my benefit and went on to tell him that I was happy to have met him, I hope that things have settled down in his life, and I wished him the best.
That was absolutely my truth. I couldn't say to him that I wanted to try again because I honestly don't know if I want to. As I have always felt with him, everything is in the moment. I would first need to just see him and take things from there, no agenda. But, I also felt too that even though the timing was right for me, it wasn't for him (either there is no time for me aka no spark or still he's just not in the right place for a true relationship). But, I can't wait on that, so I needed closure and I wanted a more positive one with him because he was special and he did mean so much.
My text did elicit a response and it was one that I didn't expect.
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