It's been a while since I posted and I last did on the eve of the day that marked it had been two years since my husband's death. The day came and went... quietly. Like I wrote in my last post, it really was a day that I hoped would come and go as quickly and as quietly as it could. I did go to work that day and honestly, it helped. I picked my son up immediately after work and we went to the beach. My son loves to dig in the sand and I wanted to do something with him that would make him happy. We ate hot dogs for dinner and had ice cream for dessert. He was happy. When we got home I did pull out some pictures and asked my son if he wanted to look at them along with some home movies, but he wasn't interested. At first, I found myself wanting to persuade him to do so. I felt like we should do something in honor or in memory of his father. But at the same time, I didn't want to force it upon him and that is what won out. There are 364 other days in a year and I do make a point to show a picture or tell a story or just say good night with my son to his father to keep his memory as alive for my son as I can.
This second time around was much different than the first. Last year, I remember as soon as May 1st hit, I felt like everything in my life was paused. For 17 days I lived in dread and was full of angst thinking of that day as if it were was the apocalypse. I remember that night of, thinking back and wondering what was the timeline of events that happened for him on that day. I think it was planned. So I had wondered trivial things like.... what did he eat? what was he wearing? what did he do that day?... This year, I let my mind be at ease as I did not get lost in the wonder of what the last day must have been like for him. It just was as each May 17 just is and forever will be just that for me.
Pieces... that is what's left and what we have to take along with us as we continue on journeying through life together, my son and I.
***
This blog title also served another purpose as my parents came to visit last weekend. Instead of bringing my dog Skye along with them (as they have every time they have come since taking her full time) they brought her ashes. Since she had to be put down and I wasn't there to say goodbye, my parents had her cremated. So I have this beautiful box which contains what once was my peppy, fun loving dog. :(
It was very strange to have my parents here without her. I caught myself many times looking to her usual spots hoping to see her but only finding disappointment and heartache. I spoke to my parents about that who also felt the same thing at their house. That dog definitely had a presence and I could hear the sadness in their voices when they said how lonely it was to come home to... nothing. I understand that sadness and quietness all too well.
I am not sure what I will do with all of her ashes. I do plan on taking some to my husband's grave and releasing them there. I will probably do the same for where my other dog is buried. My son and I are making a little garden plaque for her as well to place at my parents' house and I will bury some of her there too. The rest?... I am not sure. I would like to go to Rochester as some point, which is where we got her and where we lived for a couple of years with her, to release some of her ashes in the park where the four of us spent so much time together. And, I'd like a keep a little bit with me. She was the epitome of a loyal companion. A guard and protector. Living alone, it feels a bit comforting to have a piece of her with me.
I loved that dog to pieces but like I posted about her when she was put down, she also represents to me so much of my life with my husband. Scattering her ashes around, especially when I do make it back to Rochester, is so much more than about a dog. She was my family, all three of them were. I just so happen to have something to physically let go and I feel in many ways that it's all three of them that I will be releasing back to the universe, and I am hoping to do that in the places that mattered most to all of us.
This second time around was much different than the first. Last year, I remember as soon as May 1st hit, I felt like everything in my life was paused. For 17 days I lived in dread and was full of angst thinking of that day as if it were was the apocalypse. I remember that night of, thinking back and wondering what was the timeline of events that happened for him on that day. I think it was planned. So I had wondered trivial things like.... what did he eat? what was he wearing? what did he do that day?... This year, I let my mind be at ease as I did not get lost in the wonder of what the last day must have been like for him. It just was as each May 17 just is and forever will be just that for me.
Pieces... that is what's left and what we have to take along with us as we continue on journeying through life together, my son and I.
***
This blog title also served another purpose as my parents came to visit last weekend. Instead of bringing my dog Skye along with them (as they have every time they have come since taking her full time) they brought her ashes. Since she had to be put down and I wasn't there to say goodbye, my parents had her cremated. So I have this beautiful box which contains what once was my peppy, fun loving dog. :(
It was very strange to have my parents here without her. I caught myself many times looking to her usual spots hoping to see her but only finding disappointment and heartache. I spoke to my parents about that who also felt the same thing at their house. That dog definitely had a presence and I could hear the sadness in their voices when they said how lonely it was to come home to... nothing. I understand that sadness and quietness all too well.
I am not sure what I will do with all of her ashes. I do plan on taking some to my husband's grave and releasing them there. I will probably do the same for where my other dog is buried. My son and I are making a little garden plaque for her as well to place at my parents' house and I will bury some of her there too. The rest?... I am not sure. I would like to go to Rochester as some point, which is where we got her and where we lived for a couple of years with her, to release some of her ashes in the park where the four of us spent so much time together. And, I'd like a keep a little bit with me. She was the epitome of a loyal companion. A guard and protector. Living alone, it feels a bit comforting to have a piece of her with me.
I loved that dog to pieces but like I posted about her when she was put down, she also represents to me so much of my life with my husband. Scattering her ashes around, especially when I do make it back to Rochester, is so much more than about a dog. She was my family, all three of them were. I just so happen to have something to physically let go and I feel in many ways that it's all three of them that I will be releasing back to the universe, and I am hoping to do that in the places that mattered most to all of us.
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