Friday, May 3, 2013

Isolation

This is one of the harsher lessons that I have learned through my experience with my husband.  Neither one of us were very social people to begin with.  We were both more the type to have a few good friends.  But with time we did become more isolated over the years.  Moving to Virginia was a huge factor in our isolation as well.  We did make some friends, but we didn't have great friends which would have been helpful and important since we lived so far away from our families.  It was not only our low level of social exuberance that created an isolated feeling, his depression did as well.  My husband wanted to appear and to be thought of as "normal."  So, revealing and talking about his depression wasn't something that he nor I did.  I didn't even tell my parents... for nearly 14 years, they had no idea.  It wasn't until he had about reached crisis mode a bit over two years ago when I finally told them.  The rest of my family... grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... they had no idea and his death seemed out of nowhere to them.  They just didn't know. 

Two years ago as my world was crumbling all around me I was forced to be humbled.  There were events, stories, and information that had to be shared with particular people and I was forced to open up and reveal parts of myself, my husband, our marriage that I could hardly understand or admit to myself.   It was such a difficult thing to do.  What happens when an already humble person becomes humbled?  That was me, and for me it was the foundation for me to rejoin the world once again. 

These past two years I have had to rebuild my life.  Making sure that I didn't become isolated was very vital to my own mental health.  I am very independent and I function well on my own.  It comes more natural to me to just do something on my own rather than to ask someone to join me, even if that includes my needing help with something.  It was uncomfortable and sometimes still is, but I have had to step outside of the box to establish and maintain friendships (especially) here in New York.  I would still like to create stronger ties with the friends that I do have and I would also like to expand my group of friends as well.  That is both a work in progress. 

Where I live is also a determining factor in my fear of isolation.  No one needs to tell me that it doesn't matter where you are, its the company that makes the difference.  I also know first hand that you don't need some one's physical presence to take away the loneliness or isolation as well, it can be done emotionally as well too.  However, where you live can and does make a difference too.

I remember over six years ago when we decided to move to NYC, I was excited to move here because of its energy.  There's people everywhere and there is always something to do.  It may not have been my energy or my endless list of plans, but just knowing that it existed was enough for me.  Six years later, some of that energy is now mine.  I like the business, I like the pace, I like knowing that there are people around. 

Yesterday I posted about my concerns and thoughts on moving to a different neighborhood.  I must admit that I don't think I could find an "isolated" hood in Brooklyn, lol.  However, there are some that are out of the way.  They are away from the things that I enjoy most in this city.  They are further away from friends.  It's like I don't have to go to the party, but just knowing that I am invited can be good enough for me at times.

This thinking has seeped into my world of dating as well.  Last month, I went out with this man a couple of times who lived in New Jersey.  He was divorced and had a couple of kids.  He talked alot about wanting to own an home with a large yard, etc.  Now although we didn't get far enough to discuss specifics, what I did know about him gave me some real reservations.  School aged kid he had every Wednesday, large back yard.... he wasn't ever going to move to Brooklyn.  The question... could I move to NJ?  (He didn't live far, he could actually see Staten Island from his apartment!)  The answer... at this time, no.  I couldn't.  I need to feel a part of things right now.  I don't want to loose any of the connections that I have worked so hard to establish and I don't want my life to become unbalanced.  I need more people than my significant other in my life.  Location is a big factor for me right now as far as isolation is concerned. 

Last week, I also met a man who brought about different isolation issue.  It wasn't location, it was his lack of friends.  He had recently moved to the city (about six months) and I had asked him about his friends.  He replied that the only "friends" he had here are his coworkers but that he didn't consider them friends because they would take any opportunity given to stab him in the back to rise up the ladder in the business world.   Yikes... that answer freaked me out!  I could have completely understood if he said he didn't have as many as he'd like because he recently moved here, he's busy at work, yadda, yadda, yadda... but he went on to say to only had 3 real friends and they each lived on a different continent, no joke.  This completely turned me off from him and it scared me actually.  I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have other people (family and/or friends) in their lives that they want to have an active relationship with.  My guy needs to be balanced too.  My husband became too emotionally attached and dependent on me and I will never let that happen to me again.  It is not a position that anyone should hold, except yourself. 

Isolation.. this is a scar.  I wouldn't call it baggage... I think what I have learned is a healthy influence and it is influencing where I choose to live and whom I choose to date.  Hopefully, I will be able to fully reap the benefits of this knowledge in the near future in finding a happy and balanced life with an amazing man to create a warm and loving home (in NYC of all places, lol, who'd ever have guessed this is where I'd end up and want to be?!?).

No comments:

Post a Comment