When I am bothered, utterly and truly upset and stressed, my insides become freezing cold. It doesn't matter the temperature, in the midst of the hottest summer day, that deep chill of stress sets in and nothing will eleviate it except to eleviate the stress.
Monday this bitter chill set in. Not only that, but I felt sick. My stomach was in knots and I could barely eat all day long. Monday, I was expecting a phone call. A phone call in which I had to express my thoughts and feelings over what had happened over the weekend. Like I had posted on Sunday, what had happened wasn't a deal breaker, however I have to admit there was a part of me that considered walking away mainly because it seemed a better alternative to having to confront my New Yorker. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.
I was petrified. I feared that once I opened up my mouth and began to share what had bothered me and how it made me feel that somehow my words would not be heard. Instead they would be twisted and used against me and that by the end of the conversation, I would have been pretty much convinced that it really was my fault. That's what my life once was.
Even though I have worked so hard through that tough pain, and have built more self confidence, and had written down what I had wanted to say (just in case), and that I didn't think that the New Yorker would attack my thoughts and words... I still was completely stressed.
When he called, I didn't tell him what bothered me and how it made me feel. I didn't have too. He began by saying "I know your mad..." He apologized and vowed to make it up to me so that I would know and not doubt how he really feels about me. And even though I completely trusted his sincerity, I still opened my mouth and spoke for myself just to voice my own thoughts because I wanted the both of us to hear them. And... I survived!
This fear had nothing to do with my New Yorker. I am sure to be uncomfortable with any future confrontation that I have with him or with anyone else. However, that fear will be less harsh and that does have everything to do with him.
Monday this bitter chill set in. Not only that, but I felt sick. My stomach was in knots and I could barely eat all day long. Monday, I was expecting a phone call. A phone call in which I had to express my thoughts and feelings over what had happened over the weekend. Like I had posted on Sunday, what had happened wasn't a deal breaker, however I have to admit there was a part of me that considered walking away mainly because it seemed a better alternative to having to confront my New Yorker. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.
I was petrified. I feared that once I opened up my mouth and began to share what had bothered me and how it made me feel that somehow my words would not be heard. Instead they would be twisted and used against me and that by the end of the conversation, I would have been pretty much convinced that it really was my fault. That's what my life once was.
Even though I have worked so hard through that tough pain, and have built more self confidence, and had written down what I had wanted to say (just in case), and that I didn't think that the New Yorker would attack my thoughts and words... I still was completely stressed.
When he called, I didn't tell him what bothered me and how it made me feel. I didn't have too. He began by saying "I know your mad..." He apologized and vowed to make it up to me so that I would know and not doubt how he really feels about me. And even though I completely trusted his sincerity, I still opened my mouth and spoke for myself just to voice my own thoughts because I wanted the both of us to hear them. And... I survived!
This fear had nothing to do with my New Yorker. I am sure to be uncomfortable with any future confrontation that I have with him or with anyone else. However, that fear will be less harsh and that does have everything to do with him.
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