The Look. I love the way my New Yorker looks at me. It makes me feel so many different things all at once and they are all wonderful. Above all, it makes me feel significant. In this look I can feel how significant that this man that I have known for such a short amount of time views me, and it's awesome! It's something that I am simply embracing and don't want to lose.
I have yet to tell him anything substantial about the events that surrounded Dale's death and even my relationship with him for that matter. He knows that Dale took his own life, but that's all. He has never asked any questions. He never asked how when I first told him that I was a widow. Weeks later, he never asked for more details after I told him how Dale died. There has been no pressure, there has been no probing, and that has been such a comfort.
On my end, I did not expect to have gone this long without telling him more about the past. The way he has handled himself and the situation has definitely played a role. I also feel that time has played a role as well. With Jesse, I felt weigh heavily on me until I did tell him. A year ago, I felt that I was defined by it. Now, it is only part of what has made me into who I am today. It is a very significant piece, the most, but still a piece. I think that is a good think in where I am mentally today. There is however a third reason as well. That reason, the look. I don't want it to change.
NYer is a forty year old man who embraced life and who has lived his life fully. All that being said, I have noticed through his words in our conversations in the past few dates something that is rather innocent about him. Innocent... not the word you'd use to describe a grown man, but I can't help but to see it. Three times I noticed it. Twice he was commenting on movies with rather horrific events. And a third time when he was describing some new friends that he went out to visit in Seattle. Call it innocence, call it ignorance, call it denial, call it whatever... I think he is going to be shocked when I tell him my story. Shocked in a sense that I feel as if the reality of the situation is going to take a piece of innocence from him.
I can't help but to wonder if it will change the way he looks at me.
On Friday, the real "L" word was said to me. I can't sit here and type about how romantic it was or how I had a shiver of affection surge through my body. It wasn't like that. It's not because it didn't mean anything to me. It means so much. But, he didn't have to say it out loud. I already knew. Love is not the word. Love is the actions. It is how a person treats you. It is the effort that they put into you. It is the way in which they look at you...
There is something innocent and pure in the way that he looks at me. I'm not sure that will be able to remain in tact. My experience was horrific, it even stripped me of some of the innocence I still possessed as a grown woman. And I think it will change what I treasure so much from him right now.
I don't know what exactly it is that I am in fear of. I just feel that the look will change and I am fearing the unknown. Perhaps I should have saved yesterday's post title and song for today, "Be Brave." And more than that, I think I just need to trust him and believe in him and that look.
I have yet to tell him anything substantial about the events that surrounded Dale's death and even my relationship with him for that matter. He knows that Dale took his own life, but that's all. He has never asked any questions. He never asked how when I first told him that I was a widow. Weeks later, he never asked for more details after I told him how Dale died. There has been no pressure, there has been no probing, and that has been such a comfort.
On my end, I did not expect to have gone this long without telling him more about the past. The way he has handled himself and the situation has definitely played a role. I also feel that time has played a role as well. With Jesse, I felt weigh heavily on me until I did tell him. A year ago, I felt that I was defined by it. Now, it is only part of what has made me into who I am today. It is a very significant piece, the most, but still a piece. I think that is a good think in where I am mentally today. There is however a third reason as well. That reason, the look. I don't want it to change.
NYer is a forty year old man who embraced life and who has lived his life fully. All that being said, I have noticed through his words in our conversations in the past few dates something that is rather innocent about him. Innocent... not the word you'd use to describe a grown man, but I can't help but to see it. Three times I noticed it. Twice he was commenting on movies with rather horrific events. And a third time when he was describing some new friends that he went out to visit in Seattle. Call it innocence, call it ignorance, call it denial, call it whatever... I think he is going to be shocked when I tell him my story. Shocked in a sense that I feel as if the reality of the situation is going to take a piece of innocence from him.
I can't help but to wonder if it will change the way he looks at me.
On Friday, the real "L" word was said to me. I can't sit here and type about how romantic it was or how I had a shiver of affection surge through my body. It wasn't like that. It's not because it didn't mean anything to me. It means so much. But, he didn't have to say it out loud. I already knew. Love is not the word. Love is the actions. It is how a person treats you. It is the effort that they put into you. It is the way in which they look at you...
There is something innocent and pure in the way that he looks at me. I'm not sure that will be able to remain in tact. My experience was horrific, it even stripped me of some of the innocence I still possessed as a grown woman. And I think it will change what I treasure so much from him right now.
I don't know what exactly it is that I am in fear of. I just feel that the look will change and I am fearing the unknown. Perhaps I should have saved yesterday's post title and song for today, "Be Brave." And more than that, I think I just need to trust him and believe in him and that look.
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