Stuck in Love

I had my babysitter tonight, the first night in over a month.  It was a much anticipated and needed night out.  So what's a girl to do with a free night off?  Go out with girlfriends?  Noooo, no one was available.  Go on a date?  Nooo, no prospects just yet.  A single gal all on her own goes to a wine bar, sits next to a cute guy whose date arrives only minutes later, and gets a sangria on this blazing hot summer night.  Then she goes to a movie to keep cool and sees... Stuck in Love. 

There's an indie cinema in the city that I love.  It's right off of my subway line, it's in a cool spot, and it plays some really great films that I never would have heard about otherwise.  So when I checked out the listings for my "big" night out, "Stuck in Love" is what stuck with me. 

The movie opened with Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes' song "Home" and I was hooked.  I thought I was going to see a film about moving on after being stuck.  But it was not that.  It was quite the opposite.  There were many story lines within the plot, but the main story was that of Greg Kinnear's character.  He had been divorced for three years following his wife's infidelity and he was stuck, stuck in love with her.  His wife, Jennifer Connelly, played a secondary role and because of that her character never truly develops so it leaves the space open to wonder why he is so stuck on her, especially since there was no back story on their love or relationship... or so I thought.  It wasn't until close to the end that it's revealed that he cheated on her in the very beginning of their marriage.  She waited six months for him to find his way back to her and she took him back.  When she did, she asks him, that if she ever is a stupid as he was, to wait for her to find her way back.  And he does.  Even when she tells him not to, that he is released from the promise (mentioned earlier in the movie, I thought it was their wedding vows), he still does.  He believes down to the very core that she will come back.  Does she!?!  I won't tell.  ;)

There is so much judgement placed on couples as a couple and as individuals when infidelity occurs.  Everyone has an opinion on what what each one should do and who is the victim and who is to blame and names are thrown all over the place.  It doesn't matter what actions they end up taking, there is criticism lurking at each and every angle.  I do not condone infidelity, but I do believe that there is worse that one can do to another in a marriage.  In this case, everyone told this man that she was not coming back and that he needs to move on.  Three years is a long time and I almost wanted him to as well.  Almost...

Because this character possessed was something that I wanted to see play out.  What did he possess?  Faith.  He didn't wish or hope for his wife to return.  He believed that she would.  He believed in her.  People have a difficult time believing in themselves let alone to believe in another where you are essentially left powerless.  I guess that's what is meant by putting your faith into another's hand.  And I wanted to see it play out because I wasn't so confident, I didn't believe, but I hoped that she would come back.  I wanted to see a happy ending play out.  

It helps to fill your own faith when what you desire can be found all around you.  A happy ending... even if it may just come from a movie. 

 

There's No Place Like Home

My post from yesterday was pretty bleak.  I don't wish time away and I certainly wouldn't wish a vacation away, but I must admit that it did feel nice to come home Saturday.  I addressed some of the things that had put me "out of sorts" and I have to admit, I am feeling so much better!

As soon as my son went to sleep Saturday night, I popped in Tony Horton and did a little p90x stretch and it felt so good.  Physically and mentally.

After that workout I took at shower picked out some killer outfits and got all dressed and dolled up... Date?  No.  Remember how I posted that I didn't feel pretty in Maine?  Well all those pictures my sister took of my for my dating profile reflected that, so... my nifty camera with a self-timer (shhh) did wonders!  Honestly, I am actually really happy with more than one picture!  And it was actually fun (in a sad sort of way).  I had 4 different outfits, I changed my jewelry, my hair and my makeup with each outfit.  I'm only using 3 pics from this photo shoot, lol... I'm actually not that pathetic and I did have some other good ones to use. 

I changed my profile write up with my new perspective, added updated pics, and voila!  Back online!  For some reason, I have this feeling that I'm not going to actually meet the one online.  But... I am often wrong and that isn't going to stop me from trying as if I will meet him online.  But it's time... find me already!  Even my horoscope says so...

    " Your love life should soon be hotter than July, Sagittarius.  If you've felt like you've been left out in the cold recently in the romance department, don't despair.  Your animal magnetism will soon reach an all-time high, and you will set hearts a-fluttering!  Your true spirit is shining now, and any potential romantic partners or your significant other, if you have one, will be drawn to your inner grace - not just our outer sexiness.   Use this time to build stronger bonds with an existing partner, or to go out into the world looking for Miss or Mister Right."  (According to My Daily Horoscope App)

Woo hoo!  No wonder my pictures came out surprisingly well.  There's no time to be bleak, it's time to let my true spirit shine!  That sounds so cheesy, but you know what, it helps.  And I'm happy to be back... in more ways than one.

Out of Sorts

I just returned yesterday from my week's vacation in Maine.  It was a great getaway.  My son and I had a great time and it was so nice to spend time with my sister and her family.  But I have to admit that this week, I felt out of sorts.  For as nice as a time I had, I couldn't help but to feel... not myself.  I had this constant unsettled/anxious feeling that I just couldn't kick.

I am a person who relies heavily on routines.  Some routines were easy to let go this week, especially when it revolved around my son and letting him spend time playing with his cousins!  Some routines I realized how much I rely on and even though I had access to them, I didn't seek them out and it left me feeling not so good.  Blogging and working out are two of my biggest therapies and I did neither.  It's not only that I didn't do them, but it's often what is going on at the time when I do do them.  Night time.  The quiet, lonely time.  Those have become my fillers.  Now, you'd think I wouldn't have needed any fillers of any sorts staying with a family of 6 for a week.  I always had company and I always enjoyed it.  But...

It seemed easier to handle the loneliness alone at my home than it did this past week.  Sitting here alone right now I can say, it is easier to handle the loneliness alone.  That doesn't seem to make sense does it?  I can only describe it almost as a habit that I know how to deal with on my own turf.  But taken somewhere else... I had a difficult time.  Being with my sister and her family all week also made me feel like my little family  is incomplete.  And it is.  I saw how my son gravitated to his uncle and ventured out into the ocean with him and hugged him and loved rubbing his scruff.  Now that my son is getting older, I can truly see how he does need a father figure in his life.  He doesn't see my father or his uncles often enough to fill that void for him.  And as for me, I truly miss having a companion.  It doesn't matter which friend or family member I may be texting, talking to, or sitting next to... there is a loneliness that only a significant other can quench.  I miss that and it hurts.

There were some other factors that didn't help in my state of mind this past week.  One, was the weather.  It was rainy, cloudy, and/or overcast for 5 of the 7 days we were there.  We also stayed in a very small town.  It was a very touristy town, but very small.  We (the adults) went out a couple of nights for drinks, but it was dead at night.  We had our own fun, but it was just so quiet.  We were basically the only ones in the bars.  I didn't pack well.  It had been so hot and humid, even in Maine!  But the week turned cool and I had but one pair of jeans which I wore for 3 days straight.  Not that there was anyone there to impress (lol), but I just didn't feel good about myself or pretty for that matter. At first, I felt like a sister wife (5 kids, 2 women, 1 man... ugh, I know, but kind of funny too, right?) but as the week went on, I realized how organized and routine oriented my sister is (she has to be with 4 kids!) and I soon began to feel like one of them.  She planned dinners and activities and at first I thought it was great that I didn't have to do it and it made sense made it easier to go along with it all, but it truly did make me feel like I wasn't my own family domain.  I even shared a room with my son and my niece. 

Probably what was the worst is that I was hoping to have some alone time with my sister.  I had mentioned that I'd stay at the house one night and watch all the kids so that she and her husband could go out alone and that hopefully he'd do the same so that we could go out alone.  That didn't happen as all three of us went out together.  We did have some time together and we had some good chats.  But, I noticed that she didn't ask me about dating.  (This is something that I had noticed prior to this vacation).  I talked about it a bit.  I told her about the hair bit and hoped she'd have some older sister words of encouragement like "a great guy will look beyond that" or "you are pretty enough with short hair."  But she agreed and told me not to cut it.  I did ask her to take some pictures of me this weekend so that I could update my profile and rejoin the online dating world and she did.  But something just seemed off.  And no, I didn't address it or question it.  It didn't seem to be the best or most appropriate time. 

Finally, in the spirit of being in Maine, I was reminded of the guy that I met when I went to Maine about a year and a half ago.  Interested in that story?   Click here and here.  Since I have been known to "browse" Facebook and since we were once FB friends, I decided to look him up just out of curiosity.  Well, he just got married!  Good for him, honestly.  For me, it just made me realize how quickly time passes.  I had met him only a few months after my husband's death and was not even close to being ready to date, I couldn't barely talk to the guy.  But,  I can remember that weekend getaway with my son and meeting him and it seems like it was just yesterday.  And now he's married.  Heck, my sister married her husband only 7 months after meeting him.  A year and a half is more than enough time!  Even though I had/have no feelings for this guy, I couldn't help this from contributing too.  Perhaps combining it with what I found on FB just days before my trip was what made it effect me.  Who knows?

This was not a vacation from hell by any means.  I truly and honestly had a great time.  I wasn't mopey.  I had lots of genuine smiles and laughs.  There were some great memories made!  And that is my silver lining.  If I can feel out of sorts yet at the same time, have all that I just mentioned, that's nothing to complain about and that's not what this post is.  It's just what was.  

Old Orchard Beach, Maine

We went on a lobster boat, caught this guy, walked him over to a nearby restaurant that cooked him right up.

 

Footprints... Me and my son

My Outer Shell

Ok, I can't do this... but it would be awesome if I could!

This post is a follow up to Wednesday's post, An Acquired Taste.  It  comes at a very timely time as I have just completed the p90x home fitness program this past week!  So let me start from there.  p90x consisted of 12 CD's and worked everything.  Shoulders, back, chest, triceps, biceps, abs, and legs were all addressed through push ups, pull ups, free weights, yoga, kickboxing, stretching, and cardio.  It was a complete workout and I loved it.  I loved it despite the fact that I have lost 1 pound (I didn't follow the diet) and a half an inch in my waist... that's it!  But I am in such great shape now and I feel amazing.  I can do pull ups, push ups, and my flexibility is the best its been since I was in my athletic prime in high school.

This program did take me more than 90 days to complete.  But I was completely dedicated to it and the fact that it took me longer is because I made up the workouts I missed due to sicknesses, visitors, and a funeral.  I started way back in March and I am just proud of myself for sticking with it for so long and seeing it through to the end.  I've worked so hard and feel so great that I don't want to lose that.  I feel like I can even kick up (my physique) a notch by continuing this during the summer (I'm cutting down from 6 to 4 days a week though) and by going to an actual kickboxing class (my favorite workout besides yoga) which I am planning to start in September. 

I started this program back in March because I felt that I came to a point where I had worked on my insides so much that I felt I was truly happy with myself, confident in myself, and didn't need all my focus on finding and defining myself any longer.  It was time to work on my outside and make that match my insides.  :) 

So back to the focus for this post and the connection that it has with my post from the other day, the outer shell, my outer shell.  Like it or not, it is what gives off the first impression and it's important. And it should be, not more so than the insides, but physical attraction is extremely relevant.  For me, who does rely heavily on online dating, my appearance matters all the more.  And I have to kick in living in NYC too.  There are SO many people here.  There are SO many options.  There are SO many beautiful people here.  The competition is heavy.  Now I know it only takes one, but the more people I attract, the more choices I have.

So in that post I keep referring too, I listed the top three things that made a woman attractive... being fit, facial structure, and hair.  Here's what I am going to do about them.  But, before I do, let me just point out that these are decisions that I am making about myself.  I am going to stay true to myself and only enhance what I already have to make me feel more feminine and sexy.  Grrrr (lol... I had some rum tonight.)

1.  Being physically fit... Well, I already addressed this one above.  The only thing I need to add on is that even though I feel that I am well dressed and don't really need to improve in that area... I do need to look for a few dresses/outfits that I can "show off" my body better while still remaining classic, sophisticated, and fun!

2.  Facial structure... Well, I am not going to have any kind of surgery, lol.  But I did play with the camera last night.  I took a head shot, cut my face in half, duplicated that half and found... that I still looked pretty much like me still.  Verdict... I am pretty symmetrical!  Yay!  I was thinking though that to improve this area, perhaps I have to focus on makeup (which is its own category).  I am not very good with make up but I do want to have three looks.  I want to find a look where I use less makeup.  I am very fair.  My eyebrows and eyelashes are super blond and barely noticeable.  So, I use an eyebrow pencil, eyeliner, and mascara everyday because otherwise I feel there is no focus on my face... nowhere for the eye to grab on to.   I have been forgoing the eyeliner these past few days of summer and I've felt good.  I have some color from the son and with mascara... I still feel like my eyes can be catching.  The second look I want is to have those big three (brows, liner, and mascara) alongside with a more natural eye shadow and lip gloss... This would be my main, "go to" face.  Finally, I want to learn how to do something fun.  I don't know what colors are best for me, etc.  So yes, I am a makeup wearer, but I don't think I over do it.  I just want to learn how to do it better!

3.  Hair... ugh.  I get it, long hair.  I am so far from having long hair, it would probably take me 2 years to have "long" hair, which would equate to perhaps the shoulder, just a tad.  One thing that I won't do is extensions.  I will wear makeup, I will color my hair, heck... I have under wire and padding (but not the ones that make you 2 cups sizes larger than I really am!), but I do have a limit on how far from my natural self I will go.   I don't wear false eyelashes and I won't get extensions.  I could see putting some fun colors, etc. in my hair as is now, but I can't bring myself to add on 6 inches of hair.  That's just too much for me.  If I did that it would be to impress men, entirely and that's not what this is all about.  It's about pushing my limits and changing myself in ways that I feel comfortable and are true to me.  I think that if a guy cared so much about the length of my hair, he wouldn't be the one for me anyways.

So having said all of that, I have decided to seek help.  I have a friend, a gay guy friend, who is a hair and makeup stylist.  I just messaged him today asking for his help in making me hot!  Maybe he can bump me up to a 7.5... and if he's really good, an 8!?!.. I don't know about that, but maybe to someone I could be :).  I'm excited about playing around with makeup and changing my look with different colors, etc.  I'm also excited about his opinion on what I can do to make the most of my short hair.  I have no problems growing it out, or attempting to... it would give me a fresh look, but I desperately need help in doing that so that it looks a way in which doesn't make me feel self conscious about, because that's definitely not what this is all about.

More than anything, I just want to have fun working on my outer shell.  I feel like I have been so intense lately.  And I can be intense and serious, but I really am laid back and yes, I can be lots of fun too!  Time to show that off! 

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Throwback Thursday #3... This was not the throwback post I was planning on going back to, but well I had to do something today that sparked the need to change direction.  The throwback post goes all the way back to February of 2012 and it's titled, 500 Days of Summer.  I wish I was going back here to tell you I found a sweet and cute guy like Tom or that I wanted to chat about Zooey Deschanel in The New Girl (love that show, so funny!).  But I'm not.  I'm going back here because I need to listen to and chew on my own words that I wrote unbiasedly and purely before I ever stepped back into the dating realm.  

So what did I do to bring this all upon myself?  I was bored this morning, uh oh... So I went on to Facebook to see what everyone else was up to... and I decided to visit a particular guy's Facebook page.  Admittedly, I have done this before.  But since we are not friends and his settings are private, I cannot see a whole heck of a lot.  However, today I saw something interesting.  A photo.  A photo of himself and a chick all dressed up and standing close.  Safe to assume... you got it.

So these are all the thoughts that passed through my head today...

• Initially, I honestly was happy to see it.  Finally, some sort of truth.  Yes, I know he never called back.  I know he's not into me.  But I just wanted something.  And this was it.  Finally.
• The picture was posted about 2 weeks ago.  So it made me wonder, when did this thing start up?  It doesn't seem like it would have 5 months ago in February when it all went down.  But, maybe it did around the time that I contacted him again in late April.?.  
• But then why did he respond?  And if he felt that was the decent thing to do then why didn't he recognize that saying such great things back to me wasn't the decent thing to do?  If he's so decent, why would he say that we will definitely talk and then... nothing
• Admittedly, I call what we had a "relationship."  But perhaps it was even less than that.  I have not one picture of us together.  Heck, I don't even have a picture of just him.  I sent him a couple, but he never took one of me himself.  And we never made it to Facebook friends.
• Was I the rebound girl?  When he said that I had always meant something and he enjoyed me and made him feel amazing, did he really mean that?  Or was it an empty "relationship?"
• I am not Isabella Swan... I do not need to go through any sort of human right passages of dating (as I am sure something similar has happened to most of you).  
• This chick... She had on sunglasses so I couldn't see her whole face, but she was cute.  I wouldn't say she was gorgeous, but she did have longer hair than me (ugh... see yesterday's post, lol)  Her outfit was cute and she seemed to have a similar shape to me.  However, she was much darker than me.   I'm was glad to have seen that we were somewhat similar. 
• The thought, "I hope he's happy" crossed my head.
• But because I am not completely nice, I couldn't help but to see the comments.   There were only a few and they were generic like great picture.  But none said, "Congratulations" or "You're such a hot couple."  You know anything disgusting like that.  
• I also thought... He was the asshole who couldn't man up and tell me anything.  I even made it easy on him and he still said nothing concrete to me.  I didn't do anything wrong or mean or misleading, etc. yet, I am the one that is still all alone.  :(
• And finally, the tiny part of me that still thinks that there is something special about him was also happy that he is with someone.  That's growth.  We all learn and change and grow in relationships.  If our paths ever crossed again, I would want him different.  I'd want him to have grown up with his shit together and to realize he was a complete idiot with me.   Another relationship would help that process and that is the exact reason why I didn't skip a beat to get back out there again.  I wanted to learn and change and experience what I could from another too.  I had hoped that I would meet someone who stuck, but that wasn't the case for me, atleast not yet.  

So... I am 34 years old and I feel like a teenager.  I'm a Facebook stalker.  WTF!?!  But... the sad thing is that this whole dating process isn't very mature in many aspects.  (Atleast when you are meeting the wrong people.)  There's so many games and BS.  So if my actions and reactions today are a bit dramatic, then well... I'm playing the game today too.  But... it's embarrassing.  This is an
 embarrassing post.  But I'm putting it out there so I can let it go. 

Taking a more mature standpoint now...  What's my deal?  Why am I still writing about this guy?  It's more about me than it is of him.  I put a lot of my faith in him, in the beginning and even when I reached out to him.  I put what I believed about people, relationships, and the life lessons that I have learned all to the test for him because I believed in what I felt.  And that feeling came from my gut.  I don't feel as if I put him on a pedestal, I just believed in what he told me and even his actions (in the beginning) and thought that he was worth it.  He could have salvaged a bit, just by being honest with me.  My faith didn't require that he must fall in love with me, only to be true and honest.  And I didn't get that and it shook me.  But what I think it all means is that, like what I wrote about in "500 Days of Summer" he really isn't the right person for me.  But the right one is out there... somewhere. ;)

I think this song is the perfect way to end this post... and it even comes from the album Teenage Dream, lol...

An Acquired Taste

I've always considered myself an acquired taste.  Even now, when I feel like my overall appearance is at its best, I still consider myself an acquired taste.  If I had to rate myself on an overall appearance scale (face, hair, figure, and clothes combined) I'd say that I am a solid 7.  I think that's a fair number and I think the average person would agree with me (atleast that I am not rating myself too highly).  ;)However, despite the fact that I am in good shape, I'm well put together, and am decent on the eye... I am still an acquired taste.  What do I mean by that?  I am not a person that has now or has ever been one to get hit on (often).  I am not the one that guys gravitate towards when I am out at a bar or other social place.  I know there are other factors like body language, confidence, and flirtation that play a role, but for the purpose of this post I am focusing mainly on the outside.

The outside... it plays such a crucial role and I say that with all sincerity of not being shallow.  Even in The Beauty Inside there's a line where Alex says (I'm paraphrasing here) how important looks are how it opens up so many doors.  It can be hard to look past the outer shell to find the beauty within and that doesn't necessarily make that other person shallow (especially if you are unknown to them).  This connects strongly with online dating, where you are meeting virtual strangers who are mainly basing you on your photos, so not only are you being judged on your outer shell, but also on your ability to take good pictures, which are not one in the same.  

I have to admit that I have been reading lots about dating.  I've recently read He's Just Not that Into You and I have now moved on to blogs.  Actually its one blog in particular, which like the book I just mentioned, it is also written by a man for women.  It's called The Rules Revisited and I have found it to be really interested and eye opening.  It inspired this very post which is basically all about what do men find attractive and the author of the blog, Andrew, has written many posts on this topic. 

One post that was very interesting is one that rates different aspects (and not all bodily) that men find attractive and then it also lists how much control we as women have over those areas (see Feminine Beauty is Highly Controllable).  Just to summarize that, the top 3 most important, {drum roll}...

1. Weight and Fitness (30%)
2. Facial Structure  (20%)
3. Hair  (7%)

Let's explore them a bit more, starting with weight and fitness.  I was happy to see that this was #1 because (damnit, I just worked my ass off for the last 3 months doing p90x, lol) it is one that women have (some) control over.  And, it's not all about the number, as is weight number.  It's about looking fit and healthy and being a size 0 doesn't necessarily work to your advantage (Wait... what!?! I'm a size 0, seriously I am).  It's also about your curves and where you have them and how you work them and dress them, etc.  How do I measure up here?  Even though I am a size 0, I am not a complete banana shape.  Having my son has helped make be feel like I have a more feminine figure and I am completely happy with not ever making back to my pre-baby weight.  I am about 7 pounds heavier, and I like it.  I definitely carry more curves in the derriere than in the chest (B cup here, lol), but I am so over that insecurity.  So overall, I think I fair pretty well here, thank God for the 30%!

Facial structure... uh, what?  I know that a symmetrical face is more attractive to the eye, but I am not sure how symmetrical or non-symmetrical I am, perhaps I need to play with the camera tonight, lol.  As far as anything else, I am most insecure about the dark circles under my eyes.  I have always had them.  I have tried a million different types of makeup and creams, but they are just there.  They are just me. I try my best to cover them and to choose makeup colors that will distract from them, but I sometimes I feel that I am more hard on myself about them than they are actually noticed by others, because... what I get commented on the most... my eyes and lips.  Funny, because those are two the the features my husband downplayed to me.  But I have been told that my eyes look honest and innocent (maybe that's not a compliment.?.) and I've heard a variety of things about my lips/smile.  How do I measure up here?  Honestly, I have no idea.  I think this area is more subjective than #1.

The Rachel

Finally, hair.  Oh my.  What did I do after things ended with Jesse?  I got my hair restyled which equates to cut!  (Hmmm, perhaps my Turkish Tom Cruise wasn't flirting!) My hair is already short, like above the shoulders short.  I have never had long hair and when it was long (like shoulder length) it was nasty.  My hair is fine and so when it gets long it get straggly.  My hair is naturally curly which also mean when it gets long it gets frizzy, no matter the products used.  So short hair it is and I have to admit it works on me.  It fits me, my facial structure (lol), and my petite size.  I have asked plenty of beauticians about this and they all agree.  But in another post from Andrew, short hair is an "inspite of" rather than a "because of."  And its true... I saw a post where there were about 8 photos of the same woman but in each one her hair and/or makeup were done differently (all head shots).  Guess where she was rated the highest (and you could see each man that voted and his rankings)?  The photo of her with long hair that looked unkept... but it was long!  Ugh.  How do I measure up?  I fall as short as my hair does here.  I'd like to say well, it's only 7%, but it is #3!

Guess what else I read last night?  I read an article from an online site that I actually use, OK Cupid and it was about who gets the most messages (and this didn't go into what the message entailed and who was sending them, it was all about quantity, not quality of the messages).  Well, ranking woman from 1-4, (1 = ugly, 2 = ok, 3 = very attractive, 4 = hot) obviously, the hot ones got the most messages.  The second most, the "ugly" women!  Apparently, the 3's were overlooked because they weren't the "hot" ones that a guy might just try and take a stab at, but ones that were thought of as very attractive but more attainable therefore making the competition greater (in the male's mind) however, they were seeing the least amount of messages!  This article said that if you are cute, then forget it.  It works against you.

Ugh.. guys, I am cute (I cannot escape that word no matter how old I get!) and I have short hair!!!!!!!

I truly am an acquired taste.  I said that about myself without even realizing how true that really is.  Now there is always the exception.  The guy who truly finds cute and short hair attractive.  Or there are some that will find me attractive "despite" the cuteness and short hair.

Now this post is not intended to objectify women or myself for that matter.  But I do agree first of all that physical attraction is very important.  I have to admit also that I do the same thing online.  Eight out of ten times, I look at the pictures first and there have been many times when I haven't made it to what the man wrote about himself based solely on his outer appearance.  We can't deny the importance of the outer shell.  What I realized from reading the blog mentioned today is that there are so many other features that we all posses that can help balance ourselves out.  (Do I need another 3 months of p90x to make up for my short hair?!? lol).

I just thought that all of this information was fascinating.  What am I going to do with it all?  Well, that's for another post :).  For now, I am going to take with me that when a man tells me that he is attracted to me or that he finds me pretty or beautiful or hot... I think I am actually going to believe him.  That doesn't mean we are in love or that he is my amazing.  It just means that since I am an acquired taste and that girl that gets overlooked, he happened to notice me because he genuinely thinks I am all that... atleast on the outside. 

The Scientist

The other day someone told me that they thought that I was becoming more introspective.  They thought that I was too busy analyzing instead of "getting out there" and thus becoming more reclusive.  This came from someone whose opinion and advise I appreciate.  But I should also mention that this came from someone whom does not live near me.  They do not see nor speak to me on a daily basis and it is because of that I was a bit put off by that comment. 

Introspective... I cannot deny that.  This blog is over a year and half's worth of evidence to prove that point.  Although I would never deny that I am someone who thinks probably way too much and someone who does analyze, even over analyze at times.  I have always been this way.  After many, many years of not sharing, I am finally releasing most of my thoughts, mainly through this blog, and it is truly is a great release for me.  That is one of the main reasons why I have chosen to turn this journal of mine into a blog.  My thoughts are given life with just the possibility that someone may read them.  In a paper journal, they are only one step away from being a thought that only swims in my head.  That's when things get over analyzed, when they have no where else to go but to remain regurgitated in one's mind. 

I cannot help that I have an overwhelming desire to understand.  I have been left with so many questions, questions that will never be answered.  That has left me confused and unsettled and I have had to do and am doing all that I can to make sense with what I have, with what I know and to try my best to let go of the rest.  There is nothing else that I can do to alleviate myself from the past in that aspect.  But, I can use what I have learned to help me to be more knowledgeable in the present so that I won't ever find myself feeling this way in the future again. 

That's all I have been trying to do... is to make sense of life, my life and all that has happened and to try to learn from my past so that I can appreciate the moment and to find happiness in the future.  And its not because I think I deserve it or am entitled to it because of what happened, it is because I earned it by thinking and noticing little things and learning and growing and making good decisions based on my gut... yes feelings, intelligent feelings that I have learned to trust.

Above all, I have desired to not live in vain or bitterness.  I do not consider myself a survivor or a victim for that matter and I don't want to live like one.  I have but one life to live and I know that it can end in an instant.  I also know the pure hell that people endure right here on earth.  I once read in a book, "if people can live in and create their own hell, why can't we live in and create our own heaven here on earth?"  I've seen hell, I've seen it through my husband's eyes and I'll be damned if I ever see that look in my son's eyes.  I'm choosing to create a heaven for my son and myself.  And if it takes some extra time and effort to think about things for me to do just that, than so be it.  


Logic, analysis, reasoning... call me a scientist.  I'd love to be an Einstein in my own right.  But I'm not all thoughts... I do feel.  And I want more than anything to feel more.  When I meet someone who does make me feel more and think less, that's when I know for sure.  I have posted more times this past June than I usually do in three months combined.  I like to think of it as a growth spurt.  I was "regrouping."  And what I do know now is that I feel that I have learned enough and have healed enough to find that someone who will put my mind at ease.   I have left my charm bracelet with hope and that is a great place to end with enough room for all the wonder and amazement that can be brought by love.  And I do want that.  I am ready now.  

The Scientist... Coldplay
It just seemed to fit.