I just returned yesterday from my week's vacation in Maine. It was a great getaway. My son and I had a great time and it was so nice to spend time with my sister and her family. But I have to admit that this week, I felt out of sorts. For as nice as a time I had, I couldn't help but to feel... not myself. I had this constant unsettled/anxious feeling that I just couldn't kick.
I am a person who relies heavily on routines. Some routines were easy to let go this week, especially when it revolved around my son and letting him spend time playing with his cousins! Some routines I realized how much I rely on and even though I had access to them, I didn't seek them out and it left me feeling not so good. Blogging and working out are two of my biggest therapies and I did neither. It's not only that I didn't do them, but it's often what is going on at the time when I do do them. Night time. The quiet, lonely time. Those have become my fillers. Now, you'd think I wouldn't have needed any fillers of any sorts staying with a family of 6 for a week. I always had company and I always enjoyed it. But...
It seemed easier to handle the loneliness alone at my home than it did this past week. Sitting here alone right now I can say, it is easier to handle the loneliness alone. That doesn't seem to make sense does it? I can only describe it almost as a habit that I know how to deal with on my own turf. But taken somewhere else... I had a difficult time. Being with my sister and her family all week also made me feel like my little family is incomplete. And it is. I saw how my son gravitated to his uncle and ventured out into the ocean with him and hugged him and loved rubbing his scruff. Now that my son is getting older, I can truly see how he does need a father figure in his life. He doesn't see my father or his uncles often enough to fill that void for him. And as for me, I truly miss having a companion. It doesn't matter which friend or family member I may be texting, talking to, or sitting next to... there is a loneliness that only a significant other can quench. I miss that and it hurts.
There were some other factors that didn't help in my state of mind this past week. One, was the weather. It was rainy, cloudy, and/or overcast for 5 of the 7 days we were there. We also stayed in a very small town. It was a very touristy town, but very small. We (the adults) went out a couple of nights for drinks, but it was dead at night. We had our own fun, but it was just so quiet. We were basically the only ones in the bars. I didn't pack well. It had been so hot and humid, even in Maine! But the week turned cool and I had but one pair of jeans which I wore for 3 days straight. Not that there was anyone there to impress (lol), but I just didn't feel good about myself or pretty for that matter. At first, I felt like a sister wife (5 kids, 2 women, 1 man... ugh, I know, but kind of funny too, right?) but as the week went on, I realized how organized and routine oriented my sister is (she has to be with 4 kids!) and I soon began to feel like one of them. She planned dinners and activities and at first I thought it was great that I didn't have to do it and it made sense made it easier to go along with it all, but it truly did make me feel like I wasn't my own family domain. I even shared a room with my son and my niece.
Probably what was the worst is that I was hoping to have some alone time with my sister. I had mentioned that I'd stay at the house one night and watch all the kids so that she and her husband could go out alone and that hopefully he'd do the same so that we could go out alone. That didn't happen as all three of us went out together. We did have some time together and we had some good chats. But, I noticed that she didn't ask me about dating. (This is something that I had noticed prior to this vacation). I talked about it a bit. I told her about the hair bit and hoped she'd have some older sister words of encouragement like "a great guy will look beyond that" or "you are pretty enough with short hair." But she agreed and told me not to cut it. I did ask her to take some pictures of me this weekend so that I could update my profile and rejoin the online dating world and she did. But something just seemed off. And no, I didn't address it or question it. It didn't seem to be the best or most appropriate time.
Finally, in the spirit of being in Maine, I was reminded of the guy that I met when I went to Maine about a year and a half ago. Interested in that story? Click here and here. Since I have been known to "browse" Facebook and since we were once FB friends, I decided to look him up just out of curiosity. Well, he just got married! Good for him, honestly. For me, it just made me realize how quickly time passes. I had met him only a few months after my husband's death and was not even close to being ready to date, I couldn't barely talk to the guy. But, I can remember that weekend getaway with my son and meeting him and it seems like it was just yesterday. And now he's married. Heck, my sister married her husband only 7 months after meeting him. A year and a half is more than enough time! Even though I had/have no feelings for this guy, I couldn't help this from contributing too. Perhaps combining it with what I found on FB just days before my trip was what made it effect me. Who knows?
This was not a vacation from hell by any means. I truly and honestly had a great time. I wasn't mopey. I had lots of genuine smiles and laughs. There were some great memories made! And that is my silver lining. If I can feel out of sorts yet at the same time, have all that I just mentioned, that's nothing to complain about and that's not what this post is. It's just what was.
I am a person who relies heavily on routines. Some routines were easy to let go this week, especially when it revolved around my son and letting him spend time playing with his cousins! Some routines I realized how much I rely on and even though I had access to them, I didn't seek them out and it left me feeling not so good. Blogging and working out are two of my biggest therapies and I did neither. It's not only that I didn't do them, but it's often what is going on at the time when I do do them. Night time. The quiet, lonely time. Those have become my fillers. Now, you'd think I wouldn't have needed any fillers of any sorts staying with a family of 6 for a week. I always had company and I always enjoyed it. But...
It seemed easier to handle the loneliness alone at my home than it did this past week. Sitting here alone right now I can say, it is easier to handle the loneliness alone. That doesn't seem to make sense does it? I can only describe it almost as a habit that I know how to deal with on my own turf. But taken somewhere else... I had a difficult time. Being with my sister and her family all week also made me feel like my little family is incomplete. And it is. I saw how my son gravitated to his uncle and ventured out into the ocean with him and hugged him and loved rubbing his scruff. Now that my son is getting older, I can truly see how he does need a father figure in his life. He doesn't see my father or his uncles often enough to fill that void for him. And as for me, I truly miss having a companion. It doesn't matter which friend or family member I may be texting, talking to, or sitting next to... there is a loneliness that only a significant other can quench. I miss that and it hurts.
There were some other factors that didn't help in my state of mind this past week. One, was the weather. It was rainy, cloudy, and/or overcast for 5 of the 7 days we were there. We also stayed in a very small town. It was a very touristy town, but very small. We (the adults) went out a couple of nights for drinks, but it was dead at night. We had our own fun, but it was just so quiet. We were basically the only ones in the bars. I didn't pack well. It had been so hot and humid, even in Maine! But the week turned cool and I had but one pair of jeans which I wore for 3 days straight. Not that there was anyone there to impress (lol), but I just didn't feel good about myself or pretty for that matter. At first, I felt like a sister wife (5 kids, 2 women, 1 man... ugh, I know, but kind of funny too, right?) but as the week went on, I realized how organized and routine oriented my sister is (she has to be with 4 kids!) and I soon began to feel like one of them. She planned dinners and activities and at first I thought it was great that I didn't have to do it and it made sense made it easier to go along with it all, but it truly did make me feel like I wasn't my own family domain. I even shared a room with my son and my niece.
Probably what was the worst is that I was hoping to have some alone time with my sister. I had mentioned that I'd stay at the house one night and watch all the kids so that she and her husband could go out alone and that hopefully he'd do the same so that we could go out alone. That didn't happen as all three of us went out together. We did have some time together and we had some good chats. But, I noticed that she didn't ask me about dating. (This is something that I had noticed prior to this vacation). I talked about it a bit. I told her about the hair bit and hoped she'd have some older sister words of encouragement like "a great guy will look beyond that" or "you are pretty enough with short hair." But she agreed and told me not to cut it. I did ask her to take some pictures of me this weekend so that I could update my profile and rejoin the online dating world and she did. But something just seemed off. And no, I didn't address it or question it. It didn't seem to be the best or most appropriate time.
Finally, in the spirit of being in Maine, I was reminded of the guy that I met when I went to Maine about a year and a half ago. Interested in that story? Click here and here. Since I have been known to "browse" Facebook and since we were once FB friends, I decided to look him up just out of curiosity. Well, he just got married! Good for him, honestly. For me, it just made me realize how quickly time passes. I had met him only a few months after my husband's death and was not even close to being ready to date, I couldn't barely talk to the guy. But, I can remember that weekend getaway with my son and meeting him and it seems like it was just yesterday. And now he's married. Heck, my sister married her husband only 7 months after meeting him. A year and a half is more than enough time! Even though I had/have no feelings for this guy, I couldn't help this from contributing too. Perhaps combining it with what I found on FB just days before my trip was what made it effect me. Who knows?
This was not a vacation from hell by any means. I truly and honestly had a great time. I wasn't mopey. I had lots of genuine smiles and laughs. There were some great memories made! And that is my silver lining. If I can feel out of sorts yet at the same time, have all that I just mentioned, that's nothing to complain about and that's not what this post is. It's just what was.
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| Old Orchard Beach, Maine |
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| We went on a lobster boat, caught this guy, walked him over to a nearby restaurant that cooked him right up. |
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| Footprints... Me and my son |
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