Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Throwback Thursday #3... This was not the throwback post I was planning on going back to, but well I had to do something today that sparked the need to change direction.  The throwback post goes all the way back to February of 2012 and it's titled, 500 Days of Summer.  I wish I was going back here to tell you I found a sweet and cute guy like Tom or that I wanted to chat about Zooey Deschanel in The New Girl (love that show, so funny!).  But I'm not.  I'm going back here because I need to listen to and chew on my own words that I wrote unbiasedly and purely before I ever stepped back into the dating realm.  

So what did I do to bring this all upon myself?  I was bored this morning, uh oh... So I went on to Facebook to see what everyone else was up to... and I decided to visit a particular guy's Facebook page.  Admittedly, I have done this before.  But since we are not friends and his settings are private, I cannot see a whole heck of a lot.  However, today I saw something interesting.  A photo.  A photo of himself and a chick all dressed up and standing close.  Safe to assume... you got it.

So these are all the thoughts that passed through my head today...

• Initially, I honestly was happy to see it.  Finally, some sort of truth.  Yes, I know he never called back.  I know he's not into me.  But I just wanted something.  And this was it.  Finally.
• The picture was posted about 2 weeks ago.  So it made me wonder, when did this thing start up?  It doesn't seem like it would have 5 months ago in February when it all went down.  But, maybe it did around the time that I contacted him again in late April.?.  
• But then why did he respond?  And if he felt that was the decent thing to do then why didn't he recognize that saying such great things back to me wasn't the decent thing to do?  If he's so decent, why would he say that we will definitely talk and then... nothing
• Admittedly, I call what we had a "relationship."  But perhaps it was even less than that.  I have not one picture of us together.  Heck, I don't even have a picture of just him.  I sent him a couple, but he never took one of me himself.  And we never made it to Facebook friends.
• Was I the rebound girl?  When he said that I had always meant something and he enjoyed me and made him feel amazing, did he really mean that?  Or was it an empty "relationship?"
• I am not Isabella Swan... I do not need to go through any sort of human right passages of dating (as I am sure something similar has happened to most of you).  
• This chick... She had on sunglasses so I couldn't see her whole face, but she was cute.  I wouldn't say she was gorgeous, but she did have longer hair than me (ugh... see yesterday's post, lol)  Her outfit was cute and she seemed to have a similar shape to me.  However, she was much darker than me.   I'm was glad to have seen that we were somewhat similar. 
• The thought, "I hope he's happy" crossed my head.
• But because I am not completely nice, I couldn't help but to see the comments.   There were only a few and they were generic like great picture.  But none said, "Congratulations" or "You're such a hot couple."  You know anything disgusting like that.  
• I also thought... He was the asshole who couldn't man up and tell me anything.  I even made it easy on him and he still said nothing concrete to me.  I didn't do anything wrong or mean or misleading, etc. yet, I am the one that is still all alone.  :(
• And finally, the tiny part of me that still thinks that there is something special about him was also happy that he is with someone.  That's growth.  We all learn and change and grow in relationships.  If our paths ever crossed again, I would want him different.  I'd want him to have grown up with his shit together and to realize he was a complete idiot with me.   Another relationship would help that process and that is the exact reason why I didn't skip a beat to get back out there again.  I wanted to learn and change and experience what I could from another too.  I had hoped that I would meet someone who stuck, but that wasn't the case for me, atleast not yet.  

So... I am 34 years old and I feel like a teenager.  I'm a Facebook stalker.  WTF!?!  But... the sad thing is that this whole dating process isn't very mature in many aspects.  (Atleast when you are meeting the wrong people.)  There's so many games and BS.  So if my actions and reactions today are a bit dramatic, then well... I'm playing the game today too.  But... it's embarrassing.  This is an
 embarrassing post.  But I'm putting it out there so I can let it go. 

Taking a more mature standpoint now...  What's my deal?  Why am I still writing about this guy?  It's more about me than it is of him.  I put a lot of my faith in him, in the beginning and even when I reached out to him.  I put what I believed about people, relationships, and the life lessons that I have learned all to the test for him because I believed in what I felt.  And that feeling came from my gut.  I don't feel as if I put him on a pedestal, I just believed in what he told me and even his actions (in the beginning) and thought that he was worth it.  He could have salvaged a bit, just by being honest with me.  My faith didn't require that he must fall in love with me, only to be true and honest.  And I didn't get that and it shook me.  But what I think it all means is that, like what I wrote about in "500 Days of Summer" he really isn't the right person for me.  But the right one is out there... somewhere. ;)

I think this song is the perfect way to end this post... and it even comes from the album Teenage Dream, lol...