13 Hours

13 Hours... on average that is the amount of time that my son will be up each day during the summer.  That is the amount of time that needs to be occupied each day.  Thinking of it as a whole, especially when you multiply that by the number of days in the summer... phew!

My son... the early bird.  It does not matter what time he goes to bed.  It could be 6:30 pm or 9:30 pm and he'll still wake up at about 6:00 am give or take about 20 minutes, lol.  So our day starts at 6:00, actually his day does, lol.  Since he is older now, he is capable of playing or watching t.v. on his own for about an hour or so while I "snooze."  As long as he has strawberry milk and a "snack" he's good to go (checking in on me about every 15 minutes or so, lol).

I like to break up my typical days by meals.  So the first chunk of time is about 4 hours or so between breakfast and lunch.  Everyday depending on the day, there is something.   Whether its the library activity day, laundry day, grocery day, or a quick trip to the playground, park, beach, zoo, or gardens (yup, I live that close to all of them) I can do any one of them and can find atleast an hour or so of "unfilled time."

Between lunch and dinner we have about 4 hours again.  My son doesn't nap anymore, atleast not with me.  That was a battle I decided not worth fighting when I realized he could go a full day without getting crabby.  I do miss that break time though.   This is the time that can get to be tricky if there's nothing planned.  Again, I could do some of the things that I listed for the morning.  But if I've done something "big" in the morning, then the afternoon would be something "small" like going to the playground.  But that still leaves about 2 hours of "unfilled" time.  About an hour of that time I take to clean up and make dinner.  During that time he'll play independently and/or watch tv.  But if he acts up at all during the day, its usually this time.  He gets bored, I get bored.  Puzzles, books, crafts, playing school, baking and his leap pad are helpful during this time, but it can still get a little daunting.  

Finally, the homestretch!  After dinner we have about an hour and a half until bath time and bed.  Since it's summer now, we'll go outside.  Sidewalk chalk, water balloons, scooter, bike or a quick trip to the park to play tee ball are some of our options.  This time isn't so bad. 

My biggest concern is the amount of television that he watches.  I have to admit my son is a big nerd and likes to watch educational shows, many which are nonfiction.  But still... I'd rather him not, atleast not so much.  Being able to spend time outside is a big, big help.  But there are still those "unfilled" times that need to be filled (blowing my nose, brushing my teeth, taking  a shower, and using the bathroom are all necessities that I have).  If anyone has anymore "downtime" filler ideas, please share. 

For anyone who is not a parent, perhaps you can see now why (as I posted yesterday) I like to keep busy and plan some bigger activities.  Otherwise, that 13 hour day, feels like a 13 hour day.  That's a long time!  My workday is from 8:30-3:30, 7 hours.  My time with my son is almost double that!  Again that's why I posted my views on summertime exhaustion and upmost respect for stay at home moms (and dads).  It's a tough, tough job.  Rewarding.  Very Rewarding, but tough.

Summer... Summer... Summertime...

(You have to read the post title in a sing song tone... think Will Smith's song "Summertime.")   :)

Okay, so now that school is officially over, it is officially summer!!  The best way for me to spend summer is to keep busy, busy, busy.  Funny that the busier I keep, the easier it is.  Why?  Well... first off, I love my son.  I do, more than anything.  And I am so appreciative that I have two months off to spend with him.   I am also fully aware that the majority of jobs out there wouldn't allow me this most wonderful time of the year and in no way am I complaining.  Buuuut... lol, it is hard.  This is the exact reason that I could never be a stay at home mom.  It is nonstop and it is exhausting.  And since I am doing this myself, it makes it all the more.  I found this out last year and was completely exhausted by the end of August and was so ready to go back to work.


I have made some adjustments this year after my first summer alone last year and I am hoping that it helps.  Like... I have waited to take my solo vacation until the summer.  From August 3-9 I will be in Portland and Seattle, yay! and my son will be playing in the dirt and with his cousins as he spends that time with my parents.  It has been a long stretch as there has not been one single day since  February '12 where we have not seen each other.  I may not have always been the one to put him to sleep or to have woken up with him, but we have spent time together every single day.  It's not that I am looking forward to not seeing him, but I am looking forward to some separation... It's good for the both of us. 

In one week from today, my son and I will be up in Maine for a week.  We rented a house with my sister and her family.  I have no idea what we are going to be doing.  Lol... I'm not even sure where exactly I'm going, my sister made all the reservations.  All I know is that there will be sand, water, and three boy cousins for my son to play with.  And for me, my sister and brother-in-law... adult conversations and company on a daily/nightly basis for 7 days.  Yippee!

All in all, half of my 8 weeks off will be here in New York City, the other half will be divided among Maine, The Northwest, and Buffalo.  So in my 4 weeks here in New York, this is how I hope to keep busy...

With My Son

• Botanic Gardens
• Zoos
• Aquarium
• Central Park/Prospect Park
• The Beach
• Playdates
• My touristy attractions for this summer:  The Empire State Building and Governor's Island
• Pre-K Story and Art Program at the library
• Music and puppet shows in the neighborhood

Without My Son

• Botanic Gardens
• Dinner/Going Out with Girlfriends
• A Date (or a few :))
• Wandering aimlessly through city, lol
• Attend an outdoor concert

I also have a few big goals to accomplish over the summer.  The first one is to complete and order photo albums.  I have a few started, but I must, must, must finish them.  I also need to organize my financials.  When I am 90 and can finally retire, will I remember that I was part of the Virginia Retirement System?  I think not, lol.  Finally, I need to read up on how to create a professional website for my "business."

Busy is good.  But there is a lot of down time in between that needs to be filled when you have a toddler.  That is what can be difficult.  But hey, it's summer and there's nothing to complain about.

Happy Summer!

The Boxer

I remember watching this concert with my father when I was a little girl.  No, I wasn't there at the Central Park Concert back in 1981!  My father taped it on the VCR when it was replayed probably on a station like PBS, lol.  I was mesmerized by Art Garfunkel (and not in a good way, lol) at first and even remember his little mistake made in this song, but then I listened to the music and thus began my love for Simon and Garfunkel.  But that's not what this post is really about...

Today was my first day of summer vacation (woo hoo!).  Because my sitter has been out of town and I won't have her again until mid-July! I took my son to school today so I could have a carefree day to relax by myself and I knew exactly where I was going!  Pier 25 in Manhattan... I went there just this Sunday with my son and played miniature golf, he ran around on a mini soccer field, and then through the sprinklers at a cool playground, all on this pier!  What I noticed was at the end of this pier, there were trees and lounge chairs that overlooked the Hudson River and it looked perfect.  So this morning I put on a cute summer dress (this is Tribeca!  Lots of suits and cute guys... you never know, lol), packed a couple magazines, and my earphones and was off!

Look back towards Manhattan... This is the Freedom Tower!

As I was lounging, listening to music, and looking across the river from Statue of Liberty to New Jersey I was thinking to myself how content I really was at that moment.  I thought about how my rent could afford me a mini mansion in my hometown.  I thought about how instead my tiny apartment has no laundry, no yard, and an occasional water roach and yes, even mouse (ugh, I know).  It takes me 40 minutes to travel 5 miles, I just spent $30 on a brunch today consisting of bacon, toast, and a yummy peach rum drink, and sometimes this place is just plain loud, dirty, and rude.  But there is no other place that I want to be right now.  It is so much more than all of the above.  And most importantly, I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

So as I was listening to my playlist which I courageously set to shuffle and told myself I would not change the song that came on, "The Boxer" began to play.  And for the first time I listened to the words, like really listened and they spoke to me.  I understood.

In my own right I had to fight to make staying and living in NYC work.  My initial thought was that I would move back to my hometown after my husband passed.  But almost as quickly as that thought came, the thought that I didn't want to followed.  I didn't want to, so I didn't.   And I had to build a life here, pretty much from the bottom because I didn't have a whole heck of a lot except for a job and a home that I could still afford to live in. I didn't have anyone telling me that I couldn't do this, that I couldn't make it here on my own.  I had tons of support and that has made a world of difference.  I needed it for sure and sometimes I do wonder how I could feel so right here when essentially this is the place where everything went all wrong.  But in actuality, I know it is not NYC that caused any of the sadness that has occurred in my life to take place.  Instead, I actually feel as if NYC embraced me.  It has turned out to be as much as a support system as my family and friends.  Crazy, huh? 

So as I sat at the end of Pier 25 and listened to "The Boxer" I couldn't help but to think that because I truly feel as if I am exactly where I am supposed to be that everything else will fall into place here... eventually and when it is meant to, for I didn't always believe that this was the place for me either. 

And since this is Throwback Thursday #2... you can check out Home which was posted in March of 2012.  I have come a long way since then.  :)

Emotionally Unavailable

This is not a post about any of my recent dates or even that guy.  This one is about me.  Yup, I think I am (or have been) that person.  Emotionally unavailable.  They say actions speak louder than words, here's what I've been doing...

• When I think back on all of the men that I set up a date with (this includes dates that actually occurred and those that ended up getting canceled, some even by me) and let's just say that number is around 20, I would say that I was genuinely excited and nervous about maybe 4.  
• I've only been on 3 second dates (only once had I hoped for a second but didn't get it).
• Out of all of my dates, there was only one that I felt an immediate attraction towards and knew I wanted to see him again and not just out of curiosity (and I don't even consider him one of the ones I was initially excited and nervous about meeting).
•  When I was in a "relationship" it was never defined.  And I can't blame him.  I never asked.  I never brought it up.  The only thing that was mentioned was being exclusive, but it didn't go any further than that and I never pushed or questioned the issue.  It wasn't out of my fear of upsetting him.  Looking back, I didn't want to know.  I was living in the moment and was happy and at that time, that was good enough for me.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, I still want that, but I was okay with not looking too far down into the future with him and not knowing what it might hold.
• When I was in this "relationship" it took me by surprise because I did feel so many wonderful things and he did just prance right in despite all of my emotionally guarded walls.  But even despite that (and all of the other wonderful posts I wrote about him, lol) there was a part of me that thought I met him too soon.  This was my first "relationship" and I didn't think or want to feel so strongly so quickly or so soon.  I even felt a bit relieved when we took a break in December and I immediately went right back out there looking for more dates.  Honestly, I wanted to get more in before we got back together.  I didn't end up going on any dates and we did get back together less than a month later. But, even when we ended it for good in February, I thought that at some point we would get back together again, so again I went back out immediately and made dates with as many men as I could.  
• I have admitted that it is easier to go on bad dates (as in dates with no future) than it is to go on good dates (dates with hope).
• I have a "pen pal" from Florida.  Met him online.  Have been texting regularly.  
• I'm sure there's more, but this is a good enough list as is.  :(

The bright side...

• I feel as if I have been responsible in not giving anyone any false hopes.  I have not dragged anyone on in any way. 
• I acknowledge this.  And this "dating break" or "regrouping" phase that I am in is definitely a good thing for me right now.  
• I recognize the difference between being physically alone and emotionally alone.  My desire to not be alone anymore stems more from the emotional side rather than the physical.
• This one may not make much sense until after you read the why, but... I know that I am fully capable of creating and maintaining an emotionally available relationship.  I have others.  I have friendships.  I have the most amazing and rewarding relationship with my son.  Where everyday I get back tenfold what I put in.  And I do not fear to give and to give and to give.  
• I am starting to feel more comfortable with wanting this kind of relationship with a man now. 

The why...

• I think I can give myself a break here.  I have been through so much.  There is the obvious pain and hurt that comes from losing a person that you love.  But my situation was so much more than that.  My marriage was complicated.  There was pain and hurt too in what became our toxic relationship.  Everything combined, it was very traumatic.  
• To be honest, overall I am guarded with my emotions.  Although I was raised by good parents and felt loved, my family was not one that fostered the sharing of inner emotions and feelings.  That made it easy for me to fit right in with my husband who was very guarded with his depression and never was able to truly open up to me.  He also never truly let me open up to him as he became defensive and unaccepting of my feeble (painfully so) attempts to open up and share my true emotional side with him as well.  But I don't want that.  Not at all.  And when I found myself in that "relationship" and was given the platform and the acceptance of sharing myself it was completely scary and completely amazing at the same time.  

The questions...

•  What I do wonder though is if that guy could feel this unavailability vibe from me?  He definitely has it himself, but I wonder (since he was only one I got close to) if he could sense that from me.  (And no, not looking for excuses for him, this time, this post is all about me).
• I also wonder how I could have gotten so emotionally attached to someone when I wasn't emotionally available.  Hmmm..... and I just ended therapy last week.  Google!?!  ;)

 I've had a lot to think about lately regarding dating and I think that this little break is definitely a good thing.  I do feel like I am in a transitional phase and it takes time to move on.  I just need to remind myself to be patient with myself and to not get frustrated.  Two years really isn't that long when you think about all of the healing that needed to take place.  It's a process, just like everything else. 

Attitude

Throwback Thursday # 1

As I posted yesterday, today was my last session with my therapist.  These throwback posts were inspired by my assignment of coming in today, to my last session, ready to share what I have learned and how I have changed over the course of the past two years. 

When I came to my session today and was asked what I came up with, I told her that I have changed the most in that I have found myself.  I know who I am, I can define myself, and I am happy with who I am.  That is not something that I could have said two years ago.  Although these past two years have been tough, it has been very enlightening and profound finding my true self and knowing that I am and will always be a work in progress.  I am not stagnant.  I will change and grow for as long as I live, but I know my foundation.  And it is strong. 

As I became stronger and more confident in myself I began to look back at my old self and had a difficult time dealing with what was now my new perspective.  I came to the point where I needed to address these issues and feelings that I had and thus the post Self Forgiveness was born. 

All of my posts hold value to me as they are my thoughts genuine and true as they are to me in that moment.  Some posts hold a more significant value for various reasons.  Self forgiveness is one of them.  As I shared with my therapist today much of the same things that I wrote in the post, my emotions surprisingly got the best of me.  I found the words difficult to make their way out as they were given a new life as a spoken word. 

Her reply, one of her last few thoughts and words that she shared with me today was this...

"Perhaps you have nothing to forgive yourself for."

When I reread Self Forgiveness I can see that without my knowledge at that time, only weeks ago, that was my same conclusion.  Live in the moment.  Do your best. If that is what you have done, what is there to forgive?  What is there to regret? 

She is right, nothing. 









 

A Good One, Yet Still Another

Tomorrow I will be saying yet another goodbye.  This time its a good one.  A positive one.  It is one that shows that I have learned, grown, progressed, and have enough confidence and support to stand alone.  Tomorrow I will be saying goodbye to my therapist.

Despite this being a good goodbye, it is one that will be emotional nonetheless.

I began seeing my therapist in March of 2011.  The very first time I went, I wasn't alone.  My husband and I went together.  We realized that our problems were bigger than we were and we needed help.  However, we only made it to one session together.  The morning of our second session is when my husband hit a low and unfortunately a low that was just the beginning.  I continued to see my therapist alone because she had met my husband and even though it was only one time, it made me feel more comfortable seeing someone who knew him.

I saw her weekly for two months leading up to my husband's death.  She was with me through all of the turmoil and all of the trauma.  I saw her the day after his death when she focused solely on me and did everything she could to make sure that I knew that it wasn't my fault.  I saw her in the days and weeks that immediately followed when I tried to sort things out and make sense of everything and of life.  That first summer I drove back and forth 8 hours between NYC and my parent's house more times that I can remember because I didn't want to miss a session.  I continued to see her religiously and weekly up until this past January.  It took me that long to feel completely comfortable going down to biweekly sessions.

Ironic that since January, I feel as if I have had hit lots of bumps in the road.  Perhaps its because of that and my confidence in my own ability to handle tough situations that have led me to  the point where I no longer feel as if I need to go any more.  I have come to a point where I feel as if I have outgrown it/her.  I no longer look forward to going.  It seems more like a chore.  That's how I knew that it was time.

She was the first therapist that I had ever gone to.  People tend to keep this hush hush.  I understand why.  But I wish the stigma wasn't there.  Perhaps my husband would have been more open to seeking help.  I have to admit that I don't broadcast the I go either, but I would never deny it.  It did so much good for me.  I also think it took a big burden off of my friends and family too.  They were of course there for me and I knew they'd listen if I needed an ear morning, day, and night.  But, having a therapist gave me room so that I could try and focus on other topics outside of my pain and confusion.  That was so important, to keep some normalcy in my other relationships.

So that is what my therapist did for me.  It wasn't long after my husband's death when I could see our relationship change.  She listened, she talked, she cheered for me and it was/is all genuine.  Since the majority of the people with whom I am closest too are not physically close, it was nice to have someone that I could see, someone that I could trust and someone that I knew wanted the best for me.  In the past year and a half, I have created stronger ties and relationships with women whom I now consider friends, good friends.  And that is such a nice feeling to have.  But in those beginning weeks and months, the people in my life were my son, our sitter, and my therapist.  My world has expanded and I now see the irony in that the two people that were the most significant to come into my life during that rough time, I am saying goodbye to on consecutive days.  Yes, today was my sitter's last day.  :(

I am not completely closing the door.  If I ever start to feel overwhelmed, I will not hesitate to seek council again.  At any rate, I would like to go back a visit in 3 or 6 months just to touch base.  I hope by then there will be some happy news to share!  However until then,  my last assignment... to think back on how much I have grown and changed since first seeing her.  I am not sure I know where to begin.  But it has inspired me to begin a new "Throwback Thursday" post where I do go back to older ones and reflect on them.  Because of course, this blog is all about me.  :)

In Honor Of...

Father's Day is the first biggie of the cycle of events that passes each year.  This year is already my son's third Father's Day without his father.  It's so hard to believe that we are moving into year three, especially when they only had one Father's Day together. 

Our Father's Day tradition has been to plant flower seeds.  I like that my son gets to watch the process of the plants growing and eventually turning into flowers.  We take special care of them as they are Daddy's.  We always visit the cemetery near my husband's birth date and that is when we transplant the flowers that we have grown and cared for and leave them with him.  I like this tradition.  I like how special days are connected and how we get to watch life grow and take form as time goes by. 

This year was also a bit more special in our celebration of this day.  The past two years, my son and I have spent it at the park.  We've kept it simple and intimate... feeding the ducks, playing soccer, picnicking, and just enjoying the outdoors.  This year, today, we went to the zoo.  The Bronx Zoo has a special dinosaur exhibit.  My husband loved dinosaurs.  From a child to an adult, he always had a thing for them.  His degree was in biological anthropology and the summer before I met him, he had gone on an archaeological dig in Europe.  He actually found a body and I have photos of him on this excavation.  I say all of this because the dinosaur exhibit also had an excavation site for the children.  My son, who loves to dig, was immediately drawn to this.   I have pictures and video of this and its just one of those special moments, those special events where I can see and feel a connection between father and son and what better day to have this happen on.  

I miss him. 

Time to Regroup

Earlier this month I had questioned my readiness in really, truly moving on.  I know that I miss having a significant other in my life.  I also know that it is possible to be with someone other than my husband and for that not to be awkward or painful, but that it can be something wonderful.  However, after a recent date (#9 from yesterday's post) that I thought went well, I concluded that it is easier to have bad dates.  It's easier to know that you see no future there.  It's easier to walk away.  It's easier to move on.  And in my case, it has been in moving on to the next one night date (and let me stress that word, lol). 

I decided that I was going to take a very open approach.  I was open to meeting a variety of men.  Obviously I have communicated with plenty more than I have physically gone out with, but in just dates alone, I have gone out with two Asian men, a Latino man, an African American man, and a few white men.  I have been stood up by a Native American man and an Iranian man. With that variety of ethnicities, it has also brought about a variety of religious beliefs and overall a variety of life experiences.  What I have learned is that there are cultural difference and even though I can respect them all, it doesn't mean that some are meant for me.  I also learned that just because someone looks good on paper, it doesn't mean that they are good for me in actuality.

I have also tried to be open and not close doors based solely on appearances.  There were some instances when I just couldn't... but there have been many times when I stepped outside of myself and gave chance to someone who didn't strike me with their looks.  However, what I have learned is that those men were not any better in character to make up for their lack in good looks.  I also learned that it doesn't make me shallow when I am just drawn toward a particular type of man.  There are just some physical qualities that appeal to me and that attraction is not only important, but its necessary for me to have in a relationship.

Jesse has been my exception in both of these cases.  I don't think that I ever would have initiated first based on his profile description or pictures.  He looked very different in person to me than he did in his photos.  And what a surprise it was to find that he fit what I find most appealing in a man (physically speaking).  On paper, he wasn't a perfect fit for me either.  There were things about him that I wouldn't have chosen.  But I found that I appreciated most of them and the others didn't seem to matter so much.  He was the only one who I felt something for the moment I meant him.  I want to find that feeling again, with someone else.  So...

A new perspective...  So just the other day, I was talking to a girlfriend about all of this.  And she gave me some really good advice.  She told me that perhaps I was being too open (and just to be clear, I am not talking and going out with just anyone and everyone).  She thought I was being so open that when date time came, I wasn't meeting a person I truly was attracted too and therefore had no interest in taking it to the next date let alone the next step.  Her suggestion was to be more selective initially and to be more open on the actual date and to be more open in setting up a second date, etc.  I think that is the next step for me.  I think that is what I need to do.  I can say that I tried.  I tried to be open.  That openness has helped.  It has helped me to define more of what I want in a man.  Now, I need to use that to move on to a more serious approach.

Which is why now I have taken myself offline.  I need to regroup.  I need new updated pictures that better represent the me of today and how I want to present myself.  I also need to come up with a new profile description.  So, I am going to say goodbye to dating for a bit so that I can get my shit together, so to say, lol. 

Sex in the City

My single crew consists of only three:  a social butterfly, a hipster, and me, the widowed mother .  We're not exactly Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda, lol.  But, it is very true.  It is tough being single.  Let me rephrase, it is tough being a single woman in New York City.  Wait... let me rephrase again, it tough being a single woman who is looking for love here in New York City.  Eeek, one more time, it is tough being a single woman who is no longer in her twenties looking for love in New York City.  Phew... I think I finally got it right.

Okay, so I am not being pessimistic or bitter.  But I finally understand what I have heard so many single women my age complain about.  I've heard it's hard to date in NYC... I thought it was a myth.  There are SO many people here.  But I think that is part of the problem.  There's too many choices.  But, I am going to stay true to my word in that yes this may all be true, but love does happen and can be found for sure.  I am optimistic for not only myself, but my friends as well.

But here's an update on what has been going on since you-know-who...

1.  The Valentine's Day Dumper:  I got right back out there after saying goodbye to that guy (and if you read the post from two days ago, yes his name is Jesse, lol) and had a date set up for the weekend after Valentine's Day.  Well... two days before, on Valentine's Day!, he decided to tell me that he "reread" my profile and didn't think it would work.  Fair enough... but on Valentine's Day, c'mon.

2.  Sausage Fingers:   I recovered nicely from the VDD and that very next day, Friday, I met a nice man and we set up a date for that Saturday (Perfect since I already had my sitter coming!).  We had great conversation that whole night and he took me to a cool wine bar and restaurant later on for dessert and paid for everything.  The first thing I noticed though were his hands.  He was on the phone when I walked into the bar and immediately noticed his sausage fingers, ugh.  He had a cute face, but I couldn't get past his fingers.  Don't judge me too harshly, he really was my rebound guy/date.  We texted the next day but neither one of us text again after that.

3.  The (Younger) New Jersey Dad:  This guy was very sweet and polite.  He was even a bit old-fashioned and we actually talked on the phone, twice! before going out.  I was actually excited about this one.  We met at a restaurant in Manhattan and he was super cute!  I physically had an attraction to him which was a relief because I was started to wonder what was going on, lol.  Conversation... dull.  In that aspect, it had been the worst date I had been on.  He was on the quite side.  I am too so I am understanding of that and that didn't make me rule him out.  What did though was the topics that he did bring up.  He was a divorced father of two.  We talked about our kids, fine.  We talked about our first marriages, a bit too much.  A couple happened to get engaged at the restaurant that night and it led him asking and the both of us sharing our engagement stories.  He talked about how he and his wife grew apart and I swear I think I saw a twinkle of sadness in his eyes and he stared off to the side.  But... he was cute and sweet.  I wanted to see him again and see if there could be anything.  Our next date... we ate dinner (he did pay again :)) and an hour and a half later, I was on my way home.  We just didn't connect conversationally.  We didn't feed off of one another, it was awkward.

4.  The (Older) New Jersey Dad:  This man was in his forties... and we texted a bunch of times over the course of a couple weeks.  Between life in general and his every other weekend free it took a long time to set up a date.  About 4 days before, I cancelled.  There were things that the younger version of himself (see #3) made me realize about dating men with children who live further away.  1.  It's hard enough to set up dates around the children's schedule let alone when they live further away.  And, it's so expensive to get into and out of NJ.  2.  Also, because of situations with the kids, I felt like they would never want to move into NYC and I am not looking to move out.  So I thought best to not go through with it.  He replied back very kindly.  He probably was a real good one.

5.  Mr. Fancy Shoes:  He said he had a thing for shoes, fine shoes which led me to believe that he was a savvy, rich business man.  That was something new for me.  Not to be shallow, but there's a lot of power and money here, if I am open to everyone and everything else, why not try that?  I learned there is a price to pay, he worked long hours.  He didn't have much of a social life or friends (said they were all coworkers who'd stab him in the back at any moment to get ahead).  He was also foreign and from a country where the woman's role was more domestic.  That showed in his views and things that he texted to me about my life.  All of these things I learned as time and texting went on.  At first he seemed very charming, but I was quickly becoming unimpressed.  However, despite reservations, I kept the date.  He didn't.  He cancelled an hour before.  Apologize profusely.  Never heard from him again.  A blessing in disguise I think!

6.  Wickedly (Creepy) Blue Eyes:  I am a fan of blue eyes, but these where so light and blue they looked fake, but they weren't. And they creeped me out.  I couldn't even keep eye contact with him.  But maybe it was the fact that he was about 10 years older than what his profile said.  No, that's not a guess.  It's a fact.  He told me his last name, so of course... I Googled him.  I didn't find much, but Linked In told me his age.  But, I decided to still give him a chance.  Conversation wasn't good.  I think he was nervous.  He drank alot.  The more he drank, the looser he became and the conversation did improve a bit.  But between the alcohol influence, lying about his age, and the hot mess appearance, I just couldn't.  I texted a friend "Help!" ten minutes into it.  But, he did motivate me in a very important way!  He was an investor.  After him, I got my money together and invested it.  Something I had on my "To Do" list for a very long time.

7.  Mr. Looks Good on Paper:  His initial contact was very nice as he seemed to have appreciated my profile.  We e-mailed for about a week.  Pretty long e-mails and I felt a real connection, the first time since Jesse.   We even talked on the phone!  We met at a cafe in Manhattan and I thought the date went well.  We conversed well.  Things seemed to flow.  One thing I noticed was that I did not feel a physical pull to him.  He was 40 but it in very good shape and lean (no sausage fingers!).  I found him attractive, but I felt like this date was more about getting to be friends.  There was no touching nor did I feel the desire for that either.  It was weird in that aspect.  But... we went to a wine and cupcake bar (heaven!) for dessert.  He asked to split the bill, hmm.... that should have been a sign.  On paper, this guy seemed great.  Well traveled, well spoken, intelligent, sounded like he came from a good close family, but... there was definitely something missing.   But, I wanted to go out with him again.  I thought there was still lots of potential.  We texted that night and a few days after, but his texts seemed to focus on dogs(?).  I took that as a sign to wait for him to text again as I would not.  Well... nothing.  I feel as if he was looking for someone who would and could get up and go/travel at a whims noticed for long periods of time.  That's what he did.  I don't have that freedom or money (and I am not sure how he has that money either).  However, I took something far more valuable from my experience with him (click here).

8.  Hawaii 5-0:  He's actually a chef.  But he was from Hawaii.  This was actually last week.  He contacted me first.  He was a good story writer and his messages were fun and interesting to read.  After about 5/6 days, it faded.  But it was nice break from reality for a bit.

9.  Texas Chainsaw:  Last Friday I "met" a guy who was not facially very attractive to me.  His style and physique were so I thought I would be open to him because what I read on his profile, he seemed like someone I was looking for.  We texted all night long on Friday and were really hitting it off.  Until... he shared a tragic family story.  It led to him telling me about a situation involving him with guns and assault weapons and a potential shoot out.  Now, I am not going political here.  What frightened me was that there appeared to be an inner rage with him and that was more scary to me than all of those guns.  I let that one gently fade.  And I thanked my lucky stars that as odd as it was for him to tell me that on a first encounter, that he did.  He, of course, was one who contacted me back.  I lied and told him I had a date over the weekend that went very well and I wanted to see where it led.  He texted me again tonight.  I am not going to respond.

10.  Florida Freddie: Yup, another out of towner.  I asked why he initiated.  He said I was beautiful and had a great smile (awww).   We have texted alot on the past few days.  He seems really nice and he is originally from Connecticut, so he is familiar with NYC and the northeast.  But, he owns a restaurant in Orlando.  There is no potential here, but why not?  (Maybe I'll learn something from him... Hopefully how to make a good stromboli for my dinner party next Friday!) We didn't text today, so I am sure we are in the fading mode.

So... that's that.  There may be no sex happening in the city for me, but there are a few stories that could be worthy of Carrie's pen.

P.S.  I have taken myself off line.  I need to regroup, lol.  

He's Just Not That Into Me

It has been a month since he said that we will definitely talk and he would let me know what works so that we can arrange for that to happen.  One month.

There are two different sides of this guy.  There is the side that says all the right things.  The side that appears to be caring and warm and thoughtful.  Then there is the other side.  The side that shows no action to solidify how truly amazing he could have been, could have been.

I know that I initiated the potential for any kind of reply when I reached out first to him last month.  But, there was no reason for him to be so sweet to me.  There was no reason for him to suggest that we talk.   There was really no reason for him to respond at all or if so with any more than a basic "thanks have a nice life too" sort of response.  That wouldn't have been inappropriate.  What is inappropriate is to say wonderful things when he was in no position to feel pressure to do so to just end up disappearing.  Why respond at all?  So I don't understand that.  What I do understand is that...

He's just not that into me.

Move on... 

I Wish That I Was Jesse's Girl...

As is... that is why that guy got to me.  All that I had thought and felt and had wanted to bring into dating 9 months ago when I first met him, it all seemed to fit.  It all seemed to work, almost effortlessly.  I remember having a conversation about him with my sister in the early days of having met him and she told me that he wasn't the one because I didn't feel nervous with him.  I told her I wasn't thinking that far ahead (it was literally only weeks!) but that what I felt seemed better... relaxed and right, home in a way.  Back in October when I first wrote about our first date, I described him as warm and there was not a better word that I could think of to describe him at the point.  Warm, inviting, comforting... a place I wanted to be.  I could've melted with him.

Although I could have and wanted to look down the road a bit with him, I was very much able to stay in the moment with him.  That meant so much to me because I didn't want to lose the appreciation for what was in front of me in the present time.  I felt safe in doing that and everything that he had said made it easy for me to believe that there was no need to rush anything and that we were exactly where we were supposed to be.  I honestly felt that.

I honestly felt as if I presented myself to him as is.  I didn't try to pretend to be anything that I wasn't or anyone that I thought he wanted.  There were a few times when I felt a bit insecure, but I bit my lip and he never made me feel that I didn't measure up, they were just my own insecurities.  There were times when I didn't feel like talking much and he agreed it wasn't awkward and on our third date we sat in a bar watching a Yankee's game with his arm around me, drinking beer, eating fries, and not saying a whole heck of a lot, but enjoying every minute still getting to know him in a different way.  There were the cheesy poetic little sayings I used to text his way.  The ones where I wondered afterwords if I shouldn't have, but he ate them up.  He told me he thought I was amazing.    I never felt judged by him.  I felt accepted.  I felt like I could have opened up completely and share more and more of myself without worry of rejection.  And I did when I shared my story with him (he was the first and it was hard to tell him) and my physical self with him as well.  But it was before I even did that when I did feel love for him.  It was the first time he had come to my apartment.  I was nervous to have in him in my home, with my (sleeping) son, in the very apartment I shared with my husband.  I didn't know what to expect, but I know that I didn't expect to feel as if he was not out of place.  It seemed as though he belonged and he said himself he felt comfortable with me there.  That night, I felt such gratitude for this man who made everything seem easy and right despite so much against it, that I felt love for him.  I didn't fall in love, but I loved him for who he was. I didn't tell him that, I didn't want to freak him out.  But that very weekend, when he was out of town, he texted me to tell me that he just had this amazing feeling about me and had texted me to tell me that he was starting to feel love for me. I thought he was amazing.  But it was so early, I just wasn't sure yet if he was my amazing.

Then... life happened.  I'm not sure what part played what role, but things changed.  And I had to walk away.  Even when I did though, I always had the feeling that there were things we needed to take care of as individuals.  I took advantage of the time alone to go out and meet more men.  I explored more areas of myself and my healing.  I didn't mind him doing what needed to be done on his end either, as long as it brought him back to the warm and amazing man I thought him to be.  I honestly thought that the timing just wasn't right, but that there would come a time when it was right once again.  Three months later and I had to just follow my heart.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was the exception and I was going to get truth and understanding.

I do understand now. 

As Is

Who are we?  It's easy to get lost, even under the healthiest of conditions.  We play many roles as we are many things to many different people each one drawing out different parts of us.  We may not wake up everyday looking physically like someone else, but we are all multidimensional and learn how to play each of the roles well.  Perhaps even too well...

Our core.  Our own human spirit... it's what makes us tick.  It's what makes us truly happy.  It is what makes us unique individuals.  It's our own beauty inside.

Unfortunately not everyone does get to see it.  There are those who a blinded to it.  The ones that don't even give a second glance or thought.  There are those with whom we may open the door, but  try as they might, they just don't get it.   They don't understand.  There are those with whom we just cannot or will not let in for whatever reason.  And then there are those that our gut tells us to risk it, risk full exposure and something miraculous happens.  They see it.  They see all of it, they see us for who we truly are and accept us for exactly that (Oh, the Comfort!).  I think that helps us to settle into ourselves and to become even more magnificent (Something Beautiful).

That is something profound and extraordinary. 

Although it would save us a great amount of time and heartache, it makes it all the more that it just doesn't happen with just anyone.  Otherwise, how would we know... that we have found the one?

I love the happy ending in The Beauty Inside.  I love how she amazed him the first time he saw her as an older man.  I love how he amazed her in a way that went beyond the charming good looks of Matthew Gubler.  I love how he changed, his thoughts and actions not because she asked him to, but because he wanted her in his life that badly.  I love how Alex was an unattractive woman the night that Leah came to him and laid beside him looking at him as if he were Matthew.  I love how the next day, he woke up a very attractive man, Topher.  And I love how he never changed again (sigh... <3.

A Feel Good

The Beauty Inside...

The film.  I only came across it because I was looking to add on to my Dustin O'Halloran collection.  It is a short social film series and the storyline is touching.   Inspiring.  It makes you stop and think.  The plot...(as given to me by Wikipedia)

"Everyday Alex wakes up, he wakes up in a completely different body. He's the same person on the inside, but on the outside he's always someone new. And it's been happening for as long as he can remember. He shares his story through filmed episodes and real-time conversations with the audience. Audience members play Alex throughout the experience, both in filmed episodes and on his Facebook timeline, via photos and videos, adding to his narrative every step of the way."

I have yet to check it out on Facebook, but I'm assuming that it's no longer "open" as this film was featured last summer.   I visited YouTube and watched the videos from there.

Here's the trailor...

I want to say more but I will save it for another post tomorrow.  I don't want to give anything away.  Enjoy!!!

The Beauty Inside

In March of 2012, I happened upon Dustin O'Halloran.  Immediately after watching the movie "Like Crazy" I downloaded the soundtrack in which he composed the original score for.  Fifteen months later, he has been my go to place.  It is where I find comfort, peace, and hope.   I listen to him on the subway when the image of the way my husband would stand and make faces at me from across the car is still so very real to me.  I listen to it at night when I cannot fall asleep.  I listen to it at work when I am alone in my room and need the company.  I listen to it when I write posts.  I listen to it when I am on my way on a date.  I have yet to tire of listening the beauty that I find in his exquisite talent on the piano.  So I have wanted to write a post about him, Mr. Dustin O'Halloran.

Absolutely beautiful, captivating, exquisite, even breathtaking... words that I would use to describe what he creates.  I cannot help but to wonder who he is.  I wonder if I would find the man in him, his mind... to match his talent, his art, his passion.  No, I am not obsessed with him, his music perhaps, but not him.  It just makes me wonder.  Then, I happened upon his new soundtrack that was just recently released... "The Beauty Inside."  It couldn't have been a more perfect title as it fit my wondering exactly. So, he gets the title, not the actual film itself which I will touch upon in tomorrow's post. 

Last year I missed two potential opportunities to see him live.  He usually only tours in Europe.  However, he came to both New York City and Chicago last summer.  It just so happened that I was not in NYC when he played here.  I was so upset that I considered flying to Chicago for the day (that's all the time I had) just to see him.  I decided not to.  I wish I had.  I am going to make every effort to go to wherever he may be next time he comes to the United States, even if it is for just a night or two... I would trade that for a vacation.

The Beauty Inside... I love the thought of those words.  We all carry our own beauty within.  The short film series that holds this title is just one of those poetic, feel good films that just gets to you.  It touches all that is beautiful in the human spirit and it deserves a post of its own which I will share tomorrow.  Until then, this is called "Museum Nights."

Hope

Hope... Ironic that what my husband lost is the very thing that has carried me throughout all that I have endured in the past two years.  It is what I have clung to above all else. 

The Hope Bead... 

Instead of it carrying me, I will be carrying it.

  

I want to constantly grow, learn, and evolve.  However, I feel as though I have learned enough life lessons to ensure that I will appreciate all that is beautiful and amazing in this world and in my life.  I'd like to start adding on some more beads to represent experiences of complete wonder and amazement...

What is Hope?

I Hope You Never Lose Your Sense of Wonder...

What is hope?

To want?  To desire?

To expect that what's envisioned

may indeed happen?

YES to all of the above.

Is hope that gut feeling that it's 

worth holding out

and hanging on for just a little longer?

ABSOLUTELY.

Is hope the core of the human condition?

CERTAINLY.

Can you have hope without faith and humility and wonder?

THAT'S TOUGH.

Just the thought that there's something bigger, 

something truer, something totally surprising 

out there waiting for us is...

priceless.

Hope takes never ceasing 

to be amazed...

Wearing 

your soul on your sleeve...

Holding

your breath, waiting to hear 

"I love you, too..."

Believing

that tomorrow could be better than today...

that you'll get a second chance...

that you'll make a difference...

that you matter.  

Excerpts taken from I Hope You Dance by Mark D. Sanders & Tia Sillers

I Hope You Dance

I am not a country music fan.  I couldn't tell you another song that Lee Ann Womack has sung.  But, I can tell you that this song, "I Hope You Dance" is one of my favorite songs.  It is a song that I do not have on my playlist.  It is a song that I do not listen to often.  It is a song that I often forget about.   It is a song that touches my spirit and brings me to tears every time that I hear it.

This song my husband and I chose for the bridal party dance at our wedding.  Our bridal party consisted of the people that were closest to us in our lives back then and we both felt that we wanted every word of this song for those people who were so near and dear to our hearts.

Before our son was born, we were given a book.  It is called I Hope You Dance but it is written by Mark D. Sanders and Tia Sillers.  What the authors did was that they took the lyrics to this song and added on their own poetic thoughts.  It's a very warm and heartfelt read.  I look forward to the day when I can read this to my son and tell him that this is not only what I want for him, but what his father had wanted too.

Enough said.  Just listen...

Clever Trees

“The thing about trees is that they know what to do. When a leaf loses its colour, it's not because its time is up and it's dying, it's because the tree is taking back into itself the nutrients the leaf's been holding in reserve for it, out there on the twig, and why leaves change colour in autumn is because the tree is preparing for winter, it's filling itself with its own stored health so it can withstand the season. Then, clever tree, it literally pushes the used leaf off with the growth that's coming behind it. But because that growth has to protect itself through winter too, the tree fills the little wound in its branch or twig where the leaf was with a protective corky stuff which seals it against cold and bacteria.

Otherwise every leaf lost would be an open wound on a tree and a single tree would be covered in thousands of little wounds.

Clever trees.”
― Ali Smith, Artful

Self Forgiveness

“It is only by making the past alive again for a person that a true growth in the present is facilitated. If the past is cut off, the future does not exist.”
― Alexander Lowen, Bioenergetics


There is a part of me that feels a disconnect from the person that I was only a couple of years ago. There is a part of me that very much dislikes the person that I was in the past.  The last few years with my husband were so stressful that it literally drained me.  I never acted or spoke disrespectfully to him and the choices that I made were with love.   I fought for him and for us and that is why I can sleep at night.  That is why I can be at peace with myself and live without guilt.  However, there is something missing.  Me.  I never fought for myself.  I lost myself. 

I cannot get caught in the web of thoughts as to what may be and what could have been had I fought for myself earlier on.  All that I do know is the reality and that reality is that when I finally had nothing left to give and finally, finally stood up for myself before I lost myself entirely, he crumbled.  Perhaps the same results would have occurred no matter the time, that I will never know and I must leave that thought at rest. 

Why?  Why did I lose myself?  There was alot being thrown at me.  There were very serious things, none more so than the constant knowledge that suicide was always an option.  That paralyzed me.  Completely and utterly.  The prevention of the unfathomable became more and more a practice.  A habit without thought.

My reminders about my husband from my last date that I mentioned in yesterday's post "Not So Ready.?." were very much needed.  Like I had mentioned yesterday, they were genuine.  They reminded me of exactly how I felt when I first met him and how I felt throughout the majority of my time with him.  I absolutely adored and loved the man that I called my husband.  When you love someone with that much magnitude you do whatever means necessary to help keep them healthy and happy.  Simply... that is all that I was doing.

There have been times when I have felt ashamed of myself for letting myself get lost in a relationship.  The realization that I recently happened upon is that "I'd rather..."  I'd rather be a person who risks, who loves, who hurts... than a person who is too afraid to have done any of those.  I have lived.  I have loved.  I have lost.  I have learned.  I have forgiven myself.

I have often been credited for being a strong person.  I like that acknowledgment.  Yes I do believe that I am a strong person.  However, in forgiving myself, I have also come to acknowledge that I was no less strong back then.  In many ways I was stronger.  I had to be.  I was fighting for a future for him, for me, and for our son.  I wanted that more than anything.  And I realize now how much of that was on my shoulders.  I lost myself for a future that I wanted.  There is no shame in that. 

That is not to say that I ever want to find myself in that situation again.  I don't.  I would rather be alone than to lose myself again.  I can say that all while saying once again that I have no regrets.

My first charm that truly holds a connection to him.  I think that the anger that I was holding within for the past two years had made me not want him to be a real part of my bracelet (which has come to be such a significant and sentimental piece to me).  Forgiving myself allowed me to forgive him more and how could I not want him a part of my future?  That's what I had fought so hard for all of these years.  I have to take with me what little that I can and make the most out of it. 

The Diamond Bead

The core of this bead is red.  Love.  My love.  His love.  Our love.

The gashes, or chinks in the armor, if you will, is my pain.  All of my hurt.   

The love, and the ability to continue to love again has remained untainted.  

The wounds may have left scars, but they have been been met with head on and have been filled in with diamonds... the hardest of all metals known. 

I think an excerpt from the book I Hope You Dance by Mark D. Sanders and Tia Sillers is a great way to end this post. 

"God Forbid Love Ever Leave You Empty-Handed...

But if it does,
may it leave you patient and stronger,
willing and wiser, tender and tougher."

Not So Ready.?.

I thought that I have gotten to the point where I could honestly say that I am ready to have someone join me in my life once again.  Lately I have been wondering if that is really true.  I have begun to wonder if more than anything I miss the companionship of having a significant other by my side. 

I feel that when I write I still feel an attachment to him as so much still revolves around him and me and our lives and my life.  I am not sure what that means.  So many of my thoughts and feelings are all over the place as polar opposites can coincide simultaneously.  I have learned to accept the confusion as I don't think that it will ever truly settle and disappear, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. 

Back in early April I began the journey through the stages of grief as I felt that I needed to touch each one and to work through the stage of anger.  What came out of all that was my own added on stage, the stage of forgiveness.  Since then I have felt a new peace and I think that taking that difficult journey was key to finding that.  Soon thereafter came the second passing of his death.  It was a day that I dreaded but I found it bearable to endure as time as always has been a good friend throughout all of this.  But I also felt that there was more.  The peace that I had found after finding anger and forgiveness gave me an almost subdued feeling.  I thought again that time was working.  All of that along with my many other journeys led me to believe that I truly was ready to find someone else to move on with. 

Last week I had a date with a man who, on paper, seemed wonderful.  I felt a connection to him in our initial e-mail conversations and he really did seem to stand out from the rest.  I was very excited to meet him, even a bit nervous and that hasn't happened in a very long time.  I enjoyed that date and the conversation and it was one of those dates that stirred up emotions for me and when I got home, I cried.  He was the type that you could move on with and that made me realize how much easier it is to meet a man with whom I feel no connection and have no desire to take it to even a second date.  The idea of moving on, in reality, is still very emotional for me. 

The thing about this man is that he reminded me of my husband in a way that no other has.  This man looked nothing like my husband, it was more of his character and personality.  This man practiced chivalry and when I stood up, he stood up.  This man spoke highly of his parents and of his family.  This man was very intelligent and worldly.  He had traveled quite extensively and seemed to have a curiosity and passion for nature and life.  He loved dogs.  He majored in history.  He was an attorney and spoke very well.  These were all qualities that my husband possessed as much as a 22 year old man could when I first met him almost 16 years ago. 

For reasons that I will share in a later post, I do not think that I will see or speak to this man again, but what I took from this date is something far more valuable than a second date.  I was genuinely and authentically reminded of why I was so attracted to my husband in the first place.  He was a kind, interesting, passionate, curious, and extremely intelligent man who always tried to be a good person, a gentleman.  It made me think back to our first winter of dating and it was soo cold in Rochester!  He would always take off his jacket and put it around me, no matter where to and for how long we were walking.  He would always blast the heat in the car so high that it made it hard to breath too, lol. 

Yes, I knew about his illness at that time.  But he was so much more than that.  He was worth the risk taken.  I have been very open and honest in admitting that I have never once regretted my life with him.  However, there are times when it is hard to remember the reasons why I have no regrets.  They get clouded easily by all the trauma that also took place in our lives together. 

All of this had led to me to the realization that there is something that I forgot.  Someone I forgot to think about and its important that I do.  This person needs the same forgiveness that my husband did.

Another Goodbye

This is not a grave goodbye but a goodbye nonetheless.  My babysitter is leaving at the end of the month for Florida.  She just finished her bachelor's degree and she is moving down south with her family and will pursue her master's at the University of Florida.  I am happy for her.  She is young and I am so glad that she is taking this opportunity to explore the world and try different places and things.  But...

She has become part of my support and family here in New York.  She started watching my son in October of 2011, only months after my husband passed.  I knew she was the one as soon as I met her and my son just loves her!  It is and was such a scary thing, to leave your child with a virtual stranger... in your home, but I trusted her from day one and I know that she truly cares for my son. 

Finding a sitter is probably the one of the most important things that I have done.  It allowed me the freedom to catch my breath, bond more with girlfriends, and go out on dates.  It also allowed my son to interact with someone other than myself and he looks forward to his regularly scheduled Tuesdays with her every week.

Fortunately for me, my sitter has a sister.  A sister that has watched my son on occasion when my sitter wasn't available.  I really like her too.  She is great with my son and I trust her completely.  Her sister will be staying here in NYC and she will now become my new go to gal.  I am truly grateful that I will not have to go through the process of finding another sitter and this transition should be easy for my son.  Although I know that he will miss his first sitter tremendously.  He has had to say goodbye far too many times for his young age.  In some ways its good that he doesn't understand, in other ways its not because all he knows is that there is an absence and it must be confusing.

Nothing lasts forever, so enjoy everything while it lasts... another goodbye.


On a happier note...

I had wanted to get my sitter a gift and thought that a cool piece of NYC art to remember us and the city was a nice idea.  So this is the piece that I chose for my cool, hipster sitter to take with her to Florida.  This piece was created by photographer and painter duo known as Green Jacket Art.  If anyone is interested, you can check them out and like them on Facebook (by the same name).  Just thought I'd give a shout out, they were both very nice.  :)

I like the way the flash shined on the image above, but this one shows the work more thoroughly. 

p111x

Back in March I started the p90x workout program.  What I find most rigorous about this program is that it is 6 days a week and the workouts are between 60-90 minutes long.  What is so disappointing is that I have worked so hard to commit myself to this program, oftentimes finishing a workout well after 11 pm, yet I am still 3 weeks behind.  Between getting sick a couple of times, a funeral, and visits from my parents (it's weird to workout in front of them in my small apartment!) this workout is extending out much further that I anticipated and I just want it to end!  p90x has really turned into p111x for me as long as all goes well this month and I can finish all of the sessions.  I hope, hope, hope nothing more comes up because this is going to take me up to the end of June.  Literally just in time for my vacation to Maine... not exactly a tropical getaway, but I will definitely be sporting my bikini!

So what do I think of this workout?  I actually really like it, alot!  The instructor Tony makes me laugh.  But what I like most is that there are 12 CD's that all work something different.  My favorites are yoga and kempo (kickboxing).  But there are others like shoulders, triceps, biceps, and back... things that I never worked on in the gym and I actually see the most improvement in these areas. 

What do I have to show for completing two phases/months of this program... lol. I lost 1 pound.  And 1 inch in my right bicep.... Seriously!!! My right bicep!?!  Lol!  I am not bummed about the 1 pound.  My intent was not to loose weight.  My intent was to tone.  And I feel it.  I really do.  My legs, my back, my shoulders... even the little wings (triceps) under my arms are gone!  I still hope to tone my belly even more, but overall I am happy with the results.  And I still have a whole month to go... Yay (that was kinda sarcastic). 

Last week I cancelled my gym membership.  I never thought I would be disciplined enough to do a home workout program.  I am proud of myself because I really have dedicated myself.   Once it is over, I do plan on continuing it, but just not everyday.  That is so difficult for me to do.  But I plan on working out every other day. 

It's important for me to continue to work on myself.  This has been more than just a workout.  Yes, I am going to and have started to enjoy the results that I am seeing in my body.  I do feel sexier.  It has also been important to me to prove to myself that I could dedicate myself to something that I didn't do before (I never worked out 6x a week, unless you count playing sports in high school) and don't necessarily want to do everyday, believe me!  It may end up taking a bit longer than planned, but p90x has helped me to feel better about myself both inside and out.