Forgiveness

It's taken me a couple of weeks to collect my thoughts and feelings as I journeyed through the stages of grief.  Originally I began because I felt as if I needed to truly feel that anger stage.  I am a very mild person in that it is difficult for me to get very angry and to hold on to that anger.  I think the same holds true in this case as well.  As I wrote in the "Anger" post, it was a brunch date with a girlfriend that triggered it.  In the following days after, I shared my anger with a few friends... sharing both the feeling and the reasoning behind it.  It wasn't long after that I felt better and I didn't feel so angry anymore.  I felt them, shared them, and was able to let them go.  I used this forum to see if there were any other pieces of anger hiding that I could uncover as I explored and reflected on my thoughts and feelings through the different stages.  What I realized was that it was a bit of each of the stages that held me up.  Shock, denial, guilt, and sadness all played a role in my bottling up my anger.  More so than any other I would have to say was guilt.  It is hard to admit honest truths to not only to others, but to yourself as well.  It is hard to genuinely feel your feeling of anger towards someone who essentially took their own life because of their actions and feelings that they felt about themselves inside.  However, I have let that sickness control my actions for far too long and because I was continuing to let it control me almost two years later, I was also letting it create a new anger and resentment towards my husband.  I don't want that nor does he deserve that.

I do feel that the reasons why I was angry were valid reasons.  I think the reason why that brunch date triggered that anger was because I felt as if I was being forced to see him in only one way.  My real thoughts were just swimming inside of my head.  Stewing.  Stagnant.  Never really shared.  I think it was important for me to share that anger with the friends that I did and even here, to random strangers.  It's when words are spoken or shared that they become alive.  These are my words, I need to choose them carefully and stand by them.  I acknowledged my anger.  And now I can forgive.  I couldn't forgive before because I didn't know what exactly it was that I was forgiving. 

Back in November, I wrote the post "Black and White."  This is actually one of my favorite posts because to me, the insight was significant.  I am, he was, our marriage was a combination of black and white.  Good and bad.  The good wasn't just good.  It was amazingly good.  The bad wasn't just bad.  It was extremely hurtful and devastating at times.  I feel more comfortable accepting that and expressing that.  I feel like I found some balance. 

I know that my husband tried his best as did I.  I know that I was loved as was our son.  His illness is not an excuse for behaviors, actions, and choices made.  I hold him accountable.  And now that I can, I can let go and forgive.