How do you escape thoughts and feelings of guilt? It's like trying to shut out a storm from entering your home. You check to make sure that all of the windows and doors are shut. You even lock them for the extra security. But there could always be that one you forgot and the wind and rain sneak in. Or if not, there's that draft, just lurking letting you know its just beyond the safety you created within your home.
I mentioned previously how my therapist spent the day after he died with me focusing not on him, but on me. She even made me repeat numerous times that it wasn't my fault. And to be perfectly honest, I think that she, my core support group, and even his family to an extent, all tried in their own way to prepare and support me in such a way to help take away the guilt before.
What creeps up on you is just not the words, decisions, and actions made in the more immediate events leading up to it, but its so easy to look back years and years and the thoughts of "what if..." and "If only..." can capture your mind and hold it hostage if you let it. And I went there, for sure. But I didn't get stuck. I had a great support group that wouldn't let me and I wouldn't let myself either. I knew how to bring myself out or who to call to help me to get out of that potential trap.
I also think that it was important for me to explore those thoughts and work through them. I have to admit that reading The Four Agreements really did play a significant role in my being able to not only keep the guilty feelings away, but to dissolve many of them as well. All of the agreements helped, but the two that were especially helpful were "Don't take things personally" and "Always do your best." Don't take things personally reminded me that I don't have that much power over somebody, even if they tell you that you do. It really wasn't about me and what was going on in our lives and our marriage. It was all about him and how he felt on the inside. Did our situation have an effect? Yes it did and that is where the draft of guilt seeped in. But looking back on our 13+ years together, I can honestly say that I did my best. I certainly made mistakes and I certainly was not perfect. But I tried. I tried my very best and I never acted out of spite or disrespect. I really did make decisions based on love and respect. It's easy to go back now and question things, but in the moment, I truly did my very best and that is probably the most substantial component to my ability to remain mentally healthy by keeping the guilt out.
At the time, there were many other aspects in my husband's life that were going very well for him. He had just gotten promoted with a better paying and a better scheduled job. Our son... was just perfect. He had started going out a bit more with some emerging friendships. It wasn't as if every area of his life was failing at the time. That wasn't the case.
What I have learned is that you cannot change someone, no matter how hard you try. You cannot make somebody see something that they do not or can not see. You cannot force someone to want to live. That is something that should be innately ingrained into us. For some reason, that wasn't the case with my husband. I don't believe that he wanted to die. He did have so much passion for exploring the world and for living. Therefore, I should rephrase... "You cannot force someone to want to live with an unbearable amount of pain and suffering." You can only hold their hand and hope they will do everything available and possible to help alleviate that pain. Unfortunately, love is not a cure.
Ultimately, I know that it was my husband's decision. Any mistakes that I, he, family, friends, doctors made did not deserve this result. I can see now in hindsight that his mental state was deteriorating slowly over the past few years. But I cannot get lost in the questioning of timing or the future for that matter. I also cannot lost in the past either. I have found peace with those feelings of guilt.
One of the hardest feelings of guilt to admit are those of relief. You see someone that you love and care about in so much pain that you can't help but to feel some relief that they will no longer have to suffer. What is so difficult is knowing full well that his body was perfectly healthy. It was all the turmoil within his mind that caused him to lose weight and to age and to act in ways that made him unrecognizable. So there were feelings of relief for him and for myself included. That took me a long time to be able to accept and admit that those feelings can coexist with the fact that I would never, ever wish this ending to have occurred.
What I also have now are feelings of guilt in moving on. I am working on now is not feeling guilty when someone else makes me feel happy. I am trying hard not to feel guilty when someone else seems so natural that the process itself seems too easy. I am sure that there will be other traces of guilt that will find their way in too, but now that I know they exist, I will be ready for them too.
Guilt... this is a tough one. But it is definitely a stage that I have embraced.
I mentioned previously how my therapist spent the day after he died with me focusing not on him, but on me. She even made me repeat numerous times that it wasn't my fault. And to be perfectly honest, I think that she, my core support group, and even his family to an extent, all tried in their own way to prepare and support me in such a way to help take away the guilt before.
What creeps up on you is just not the words, decisions, and actions made in the more immediate events leading up to it, but its so easy to look back years and years and the thoughts of "what if..." and "If only..." can capture your mind and hold it hostage if you let it. And I went there, for sure. But I didn't get stuck. I had a great support group that wouldn't let me and I wouldn't let myself either. I knew how to bring myself out or who to call to help me to get out of that potential trap.
I also think that it was important for me to explore those thoughts and work through them. I have to admit that reading The Four Agreements really did play a significant role in my being able to not only keep the guilty feelings away, but to dissolve many of them as well. All of the agreements helped, but the two that were especially helpful were "Don't take things personally" and "Always do your best." Don't take things personally reminded me that I don't have that much power over somebody, even if they tell you that you do. It really wasn't about me and what was going on in our lives and our marriage. It was all about him and how he felt on the inside. Did our situation have an effect? Yes it did and that is where the draft of guilt seeped in. But looking back on our 13+ years together, I can honestly say that I did my best. I certainly made mistakes and I certainly was not perfect. But I tried. I tried my very best and I never acted out of spite or disrespect. I really did make decisions based on love and respect. It's easy to go back now and question things, but in the moment, I truly did my very best and that is probably the most substantial component to my ability to remain mentally healthy by keeping the guilt out.
At the time, there were many other aspects in my husband's life that were going very well for him. He had just gotten promoted with a better paying and a better scheduled job. Our son... was just perfect. He had started going out a bit more with some emerging friendships. It wasn't as if every area of his life was failing at the time. That wasn't the case.
What I have learned is that you cannot change someone, no matter how hard you try. You cannot make somebody see something that they do not or can not see. You cannot force someone to want to live. That is something that should be innately ingrained into us. For some reason, that wasn't the case with my husband. I don't believe that he wanted to die. He did have so much passion for exploring the world and for living. Therefore, I should rephrase... "You cannot force someone to want to live with an unbearable amount of pain and suffering." You can only hold their hand and hope they will do everything available and possible to help alleviate that pain. Unfortunately, love is not a cure.
Ultimately, I know that it was my husband's decision. Any mistakes that I, he, family, friends, doctors made did not deserve this result. I can see now in hindsight that his mental state was deteriorating slowly over the past few years. But I cannot get lost in the questioning of timing or the future for that matter. I also cannot lost in the past either. I have found peace with those feelings of guilt.
One of the hardest feelings of guilt to admit are those of relief. You see someone that you love and care about in so much pain that you can't help but to feel some relief that they will no longer have to suffer. What is so difficult is knowing full well that his body was perfectly healthy. It was all the turmoil within his mind that caused him to lose weight and to age and to act in ways that made him unrecognizable. So there were feelings of relief for him and for myself included. That took me a long time to be able to accept and admit that those feelings can coexist with the fact that I would never, ever wish this ending to have occurred.
What I also have now are feelings of guilt in moving on. I am working on now is not feeling guilty when someone else makes me feel happy. I am trying hard not to feel guilty when someone else seems so natural that the process itself seems too easy. I am sure that there will be other traces of guilt that will find their way in too, but now that I know they exist, I will be ready for them too.
Guilt... this is a tough one. But it is definitely a stage that I have embraced.
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