Sadness is taking your 3 year old son to the cemetery and having to explain to him that this is a place where people come to remember people that you love who have died. It's having to tell him that we will not see Daddy here, but that we are going to go to a special place where we can look at his name and leave flowers next to it. It is standing in front of the tombstone and telling your son that its okay to talk to Daddy and tell him that you love him and miss him.
Sadness is trying to explain to your young son when he asks where Daddy is that he is dead and that means we won't ever be able to see him again. That it means instead we can look at pictures and watch home movies and talk about him. It is telling him that Daddy was sick when he asks why. It's telling him that he can't go to heaven to see him, not anytime soon as you silently pray that you will never to live to see that day. It is hearing the sweet, innocent voice that asks these questions that are the most natural ones to be asking. It's listening to that same voice each night saying "Good night Daddy... I love you all the way to heaven and back. I miss you" before going to sleep.
Sadness is watching your son grow and learn and change and not having someone there to share in all of those precious memories. It is knowing that there will never be any new memories made. It is looking at pictures that have been outdated so quickly by the speed at which young children grow.
Sadness is coming home to an empty, quiet home. When once you were greeted by two dogs and a husband. My female dog is now the only one left of those three and she now lives with my parents.
Sadness is knowing that there were so many other options and alternatives, but to him, they no longer existed.
Sadness is thinking about those last moments.
Sadness is the final act.
Sadness is all that was lost.
Sadness is trying to understand what it must have felt like to feel that this was the only way.
More than anything else, sadness is what I feel. I feel so sad for my son who will never truly know his father. Mostly, I am sad for my husband. Completely, utterly sad for what was inside of him and for what may have happened in his life that made him feel that way. I am so sad for all that he is missing out on. Sad beyond expression.
Sadness is trying to explain to your young son when he asks where Daddy is that he is dead and that means we won't ever be able to see him again. That it means instead we can look at pictures and watch home movies and talk about him. It is telling him that Daddy was sick when he asks why. It's telling him that he can't go to heaven to see him, not anytime soon as you silently pray that you will never to live to see that day. It is hearing the sweet, innocent voice that asks these questions that are the most natural ones to be asking. It's listening to that same voice each night saying "Good night Daddy... I love you all the way to heaven and back. I miss you" before going to sleep.
Sadness is watching your son grow and learn and change and not having someone there to share in all of those precious memories. It is knowing that there will never be any new memories made. It is looking at pictures that have been outdated so quickly by the speed at which young children grow.
Sadness is coming home to an empty, quiet home. When once you were greeted by two dogs and a husband. My female dog is now the only one left of those three and she now lives with my parents.
Sadness is knowing that there were so many other options and alternatives, but to him, they no longer existed.
Sadness is thinking about those last moments.
Sadness is the final act.
Sadness is all that was lost.
Sadness is trying to understand what it must have felt like to feel that this was the only way.
More than anything else, sadness is what I feel. I feel so sad for my son who will never truly know his father. Mostly, I am sad for my husband. Completely, utterly sad for what was inside of him and for what may have happened in his life that made him feel that way. I am so sad for all that he is missing out on. Sad beyond expression.
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