It is hard to accept the loss of someone that you love. Not only is it hard to accept the loss of their life, it is also hard to accept the loss of everything that you build around that person. It is hard to accept that the future you planned is no longer something that you can ever step into. Never.
It is hard to accept that not only did you lose someone that you loved, but that you lost that person to suicide. It is hard to accept that your life took a turn that you never would have imagined in your wildest dreams or worst of nightmares.
Time is both a great friend and healer. There are times when I look back at what happened and find it is so hard to believe that it actually occurred, it still doesn't seem real that this is my life. However, as time has passed I can now say to myself that he really is gone without a jolt of shock passing through my body. I can even say now to myself that he is dead without the how constantly attached. Sometimes I don't think the how is as important as I used to think it was. He is just gone.
What is also difficult to accept is that my husband was a very sick man. I never saw him that way. I saw the life and good in him. But, when you read a book or the newspaper or watch a movie or the news and you hear or see what people with severe depression and even those people who decided to take their life are like through unbiased eyes, you realize how ill they really must be. When I look at him as an individual it is hard to see and accept that. When I compare him to others, yes he is different, but there are commonalities that are hard to accept. My husband suffered for most of his life and it took its toll and eventually his life, that is how bad it was.
A final hard reality was the toll that this sickness took on myself and our marriage. In my last post, I wrote about some of the things that made me angry. I am angry for ways that he treated me: controlling, manipulating, even degrading at times. It was and still is very confusing to me when he was genuine and when he was acting in a way that was more of a self medicating or self survival mode. That really has tainted some of my memories. I have had to and am still working on accepting that hindsight is 20/20 and in the moment, I was very happy in the majority of my memories and marriage. I need to accept that is okay and not try to break apart and analyze so much because I will never be able to truly get the honest truth that I so desire. I need to accept my life with him as it was and just learn from it.
Life moves on and it didn't pause for even just a moment throughout all of this. Reality has made acceptance occur whether I have wanted it to or not. We all have our battles and misfortunes, this just happens to be mine. But that is life and despite everything, life is good.
It is hard to accept that not only did you lose someone that you loved, but that you lost that person to suicide. It is hard to accept that your life took a turn that you never would have imagined in your wildest dreams or worst of nightmares.
Time is both a great friend and healer. There are times when I look back at what happened and find it is so hard to believe that it actually occurred, it still doesn't seem real that this is my life. However, as time has passed I can now say to myself that he really is gone without a jolt of shock passing through my body. I can even say now to myself that he is dead without the how constantly attached. Sometimes I don't think the how is as important as I used to think it was. He is just gone.
What is also difficult to accept is that my husband was a very sick man. I never saw him that way. I saw the life and good in him. But, when you read a book or the newspaper or watch a movie or the news and you hear or see what people with severe depression and even those people who decided to take their life are like through unbiased eyes, you realize how ill they really must be. When I look at him as an individual it is hard to see and accept that. When I compare him to others, yes he is different, but there are commonalities that are hard to accept. My husband suffered for most of his life and it took its toll and eventually his life, that is how bad it was.
A final hard reality was the toll that this sickness took on myself and our marriage. In my last post, I wrote about some of the things that made me angry. I am angry for ways that he treated me: controlling, manipulating, even degrading at times. It was and still is very confusing to me when he was genuine and when he was acting in a way that was more of a self medicating or self survival mode. That really has tainted some of my memories. I have had to and am still working on accepting that hindsight is 20/20 and in the moment, I was very happy in the majority of my memories and marriage. I need to accept that is okay and not try to break apart and analyze so much because I will never be able to truly get the honest truth that I so desire. I need to accept my life with him as it was and just learn from it.
Life moves on and it didn't pause for even just a moment throughout all of this. Reality has made acceptance occur whether I have wanted it to or not. We all have our battles and misfortunes, this just happens to be mine. But that is life and despite everything, life is good.
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