It's easy to get caught up in the "Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas" in life and let them drive our thoughts. I recently found myself caught up in a web of should have's as in I have been talking, seeing, dating this guy for about four months now, I should.... this, that, and yadda, yadda, yadda.
What I want more than anything at this point with him right now it just to better know him. When I first met him at the end of September, I met up with him thinking that he was a nice guy but not expecting to go beyond that first date. But when I met him for the first time, a brief 30 minute encounter over coffee, I felt something that I hadn't with anyone else. I wanted to see him again for the sole reason of that feeling that came over me when I was with him. That feeling reappeared and distinguished itself more on our first real date when I found that I could let my mind go and was able to enjoy that night with him in the moment just as it was. As that first month continued and I saw more and more of him, I found him to be very kind and respectful, comfortable to be around, easy to talk to, accepting, and as I had mentioned previously, my word for him was warm. There were some things about him that I wouldn't have picked out in a person and even now I wonder if I would have ever contacted him first based on his profile. But compared to what was and is most important, they seemed more like minor details. And despite the fact that I didn't view him as perfect, he was exactly what I needed at that time.
Then, as I have previously posted, life happened. I saw less and and less of him. When I did see him, I still felt the same great feelings that I just described above. It was the time in between that was unsettling to me and what still is unsettling to me. I don't sit around and think about where he is and who he is with and what he is doing. Instead, I do wonder how he loves. Everyone expresses their love in different ways. Everyone has different needs, wants, and expectations in a relationship. I wonder if the distance and absence during the time in between is purely our busy schedules and bad luck timing or if he is creating some of that too on his own. Last week I could feel the spark beginning to fade as I described this relationship moving slower than a snail's pace. I have begun to doubt how much effort he is willing to put into this (since some of the issues have truly been back luck and bad timing) but he did come through last week. I saw him twice actually and he took the initiative. He asked about my plans for the week and suggested dinner this weekend. I was happy for the opportunity to build some continuity because I just want to know who he is. However, between Monday and tonight, I have heard very little from him and I don't know what the plans are for this weekend are either.
I know that he has been through a lot in a short amount of time and I can both appreciate and understand the challenges in getting through tough times. But I don't want to excuse his behaviors either. All I want to know is where does he lie on the spectrum between the amazingly wonderful man I met in September and the one I can't quite seem to put my finger on now. Time is precious. And although I do agree with taking things slow, is it worth taking things so slowly with him? I'm not sure and I find this to be terribly unsettling.
One of my mantras is "Listen to Your Gut." So what is mine saying? It's telling me that he genuinely is a good guy. Unfortunately, it cannot tell me more of who he is and what he is thinking and feeling. I'm not worried about having my heart broken, for two reasons. One, I'm not in love. Two, can I experience more pain than what I have already encountered? But, coulda, woulda, shoulda. I don't want to have any regrets either. So, my gut is also telling me to stick it out a bit longer. Perhaps so that I can ask him these questions myself?... that's what my mind is telling me to do right now.
I just want to know him, as is.
What I want more than anything at this point with him right now it just to better know him. When I first met him at the end of September, I met up with him thinking that he was a nice guy but not expecting to go beyond that first date. But when I met him for the first time, a brief 30 minute encounter over coffee, I felt something that I hadn't with anyone else. I wanted to see him again for the sole reason of that feeling that came over me when I was with him. That feeling reappeared and distinguished itself more on our first real date when I found that I could let my mind go and was able to enjoy that night with him in the moment just as it was. As that first month continued and I saw more and more of him, I found him to be very kind and respectful, comfortable to be around, easy to talk to, accepting, and as I had mentioned previously, my word for him was warm. There were some things about him that I wouldn't have picked out in a person and even now I wonder if I would have ever contacted him first based on his profile. But compared to what was and is most important, they seemed more like minor details. And despite the fact that I didn't view him as perfect, he was exactly what I needed at that time.
Then, as I have previously posted, life happened. I saw less and and less of him. When I did see him, I still felt the same great feelings that I just described above. It was the time in between that was unsettling to me and what still is unsettling to me. I don't sit around and think about where he is and who he is with and what he is doing. Instead, I do wonder how he loves. Everyone expresses their love in different ways. Everyone has different needs, wants, and expectations in a relationship. I wonder if the distance and absence during the time in between is purely our busy schedules and bad luck timing or if he is creating some of that too on his own. Last week I could feel the spark beginning to fade as I described this relationship moving slower than a snail's pace. I have begun to doubt how much effort he is willing to put into this (since some of the issues have truly been back luck and bad timing) but he did come through last week. I saw him twice actually and he took the initiative. He asked about my plans for the week and suggested dinner this weekend. I was happy for the opportunity to build some continuity because I just want to know who he is. However, between Monday and tonight, I have heard very little from him and I don't know what the plans are for this weekend are either.
I know that he has been through a lot in a short amount of time and I can both appreciate and understand the challenges in getting through tough times. But I don't want to excuse his behaviors either. All I want to know is where does he lie on the spectrum between the amazingly wonderful man I met in September and the one I can't quite seem to put my finger on now. Time is precious. And although I do agree with taking things slow, is it worth taking things so slowly with him? I'm not sure and I find this to be terribly unsettling.
One of my mantras is "Listen to Your Gut." So what is mine saying? It's telling me that he genuinely is a good guy. Unfortunately, it cannot tell me more of who he is and what he is thinking and feeling. I'm not worried about having my heart broken, for two reasons. One, I'm not in love. Two, can I experience more pain than what I have already encountered? But, coulda, woulda, shoulda. I don't want to have any regrets either. So, my gut is also telling me to stick it out a bit longer. Perhaps so that I can ask him these questions myself?... that's what my mind is telling me to do right now.
I just want to know him, as is.
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