Although I am not quite sure what word I would use to describe it, it appears that I have a posting "theme" for January. There are many things that pop up and happen in life that we have very little to no control over. But that doesn't mean that there is a complete absence of control... there are always choices and options... You just have to look for, find, and grasp the controllable and hold on to those reigns for as long as you need to. You may be lead down a path that you have never seen before or one that you never imaged yourself taking. That's the journey of life. And as long as you don't lose sight of the controllable, new choices and options will be laid before you and you can change your path at any time. Easier said than done. When we get to the point where we feel this way, the decisions we have to make are difficult regardless of the fact that we are able to recognize that we do in fact have choices... options... control.
I feel as though I have already had to make those difficult decisions. What I am dealing with now are the consequences of my decisions. While somewhat exhausting, I have been reminded to put things into perspective and that has helped me to relax more and to recognize all of my options.
Parenting: This month my son started soccer. It is a very small group of eight children that are either 3 or 4 years old. He has had only 3 "practices" so far and with each, it has gotten worse and worse. Day 1: I realized that my son was the silly kid. He listened and followed along, but he fell (on purpose) during stretching and running. He couldn't seem to stand still. Alright... so he's only 3, okay. Day 2: During stretching, he laid on his back and didn't follow along with the others. When everyone took off running, my son stood still. When waiting in line to kick the ball, my son turned to the boy behind him and stuck out his tongue. He didn't finish the whole practice because he came to me for a drink and decided not to go back and play. Day 3: He seemed happy to go. But when "practice" started and someone else took his purple ball, he decided he wasn't going to do anything. And he didn't. He sat with me for 30 minutes.
My thought... Who is this child? It was neat to watch him interact with other children and another lead adult other than family and friends. But, I was surprised by what I saw. I don't care about soccer. It's fine if he hates it. I was upset by how he behaved. As a single parent, the responsibility of raising my son lies solely with me and that's a lot of pressure. And I didn't want to hear that he's so young... he's a boy... maybe he just doesn't like soccer... etc... etc... etc... I was terribly upset and felt very lonely.
The solution? It was quite easy actually. I just needed to hear good, bad, or indifferent from someone who really knew my son. It took me a couple days for it to dawn on me to ask.... his teacher! God bless teachers, lol. I told her the situation. She laughed at me (she has been working with children for a very long time) and told me that my son is a good boy. He is well behaved and the least of her worries. I cannot tell you how great that was to hear. I don't want to wear mommy goggles, but at the same time I don't want to become a psycho micromanaging mommy either. I needed a little kick in the ass of reality and I needed to hear it from someone who was going to give it to me straight. Truth is, he is a great kid. But he is just that, a kid. And I have taken a breath and can now relax and go with the flow on Sunday when we go back to play(?) soccer.
I've also been dealing with the dilemma of my son not falling asleep at night. During the weekday when he is at school, he naps.... tonight he fell asleep at around 9:45. That has thrown me off balance because that is so late, that puts me very behind in all that I need and want to accomplish each night. I refused to change the time I was putting him to sleep (7:30ish) because I don't want for him to get accustomed to a later nightly routine. However, this week, my babysitter was away and I changed our schedule around a bit. I did something that I have been avoiding doing during the week because I just feel bad about doing it. I had wanted to go to the gym this week, but my only option was to bring my son to the babysitting there. I've always felt bad about picking him up from daycare and basically dropping him off at another. But, when I actually did it, that didn't seem to be the case. I picked him up right after work. We had enough time at home to play and interact before having dinner and then went to the gym after dinner. All while getting home shortly after 7. He was in bed by 8 both nights we did this. It actually worked out nicely and I am now contemplating not "wasting" a sitter night going to the gym when my son can go with me. This was an option I knew I had, but was just afraid to try. I am glad I did. I need that balance not just of getting away, but exercising in general has been something that I have incorporated into my healing and something I need to continue to do.
Friends: I do keep a close circle. And I have to admit that the majority of my friends here in NYC are women that I work with. Most of them are married and have children or married and pregnant. However, I feel like it is so hard to make plans that are actually able to stick... single or not! This week, two friends that I don't work with both coincidentally texted me. It had been a long time and it was nice to hear from them. I know that I could have been more proactive myself and texted them earlier and more often. But we plan on getting together in February and I am excited for that.
I've also done something outside of my box. I found a few single mommy groups on "Meet Up" and joined them. I haven't heard back yet about any upcoming meet ups, so we'll see where that takes me. It was during all of my worry throughout the soccer debacle that I realized that maybe it would be nice to have some single mommy friends too. It is different when you are raising a child(ren) alone and maybe a support group like that would be something that I would both benefit from and enjoy.
Beyond Friends: Lol... I'll save this one for tomorrow. It's been more that a week (see "Someone Special" if curious) and time to update.
I feel as though I have already had to make those difficult decisions. What I am dealing with now are the consequences of my decisions. While somewhat exhausting, I have been reminded to put things into perspective and that has helped me to relax more and to recognize all of my options.
Parenting: This month my son started soccer. It is a very small group of eight children that are either 3 or 4 years old. He has had only 3 "practices" so far and with each, it has gotten worse and worse. Day 1: I realized that my son was the silly kid. He listened and followed along, but he fell (on purpose) during stretching and running. He couldn't seem to stand still. Alright... so he's only 3, okay. Day 2: During stretching, he laid on his back and didn't follow along with the others. When everyone took off running, my son stood still. When waiting in line to kick the ball, my son turned to the boy behind him and stuck out his tongue. He didn't finish the whole practice because he came to me for a drink and decided not to go back and play. Day 3: He seemed happy to go. But when "practice" started and someone else took his purple ball, he decided he wasn't going to do anything. And he didn't. He sat with me for 30 minutes.
My thought... Who is this child? It was neat to watch him interact with other children and another lead adult other than family and friends. But, I was surprised by what I saw. I don't care about soccer. It's fine if he hates it. I was upset by how he behaved. As a single parent, the responsibility of raising my son lies solely with me and that's a lot of pressure. And I didn't want to hear that he's so young... he's a boy... maybe he just doesn't like soccer... etc... etc... etc... I was terribly upset and felt very lonely.
The solution? It was quite easy actually. I just needed to hear good, bad, or indifferent from someone who really knew my son. It took me a couple days for it to dawn on me to ask.... his teacher! God bless teachers, lol. I told her the situation. She laughed at me (she has been working with children for a very long time) and told me that my son is a good boy. He is well behaved and the least of her worries. I cannot tell you how great that was to hear. I don't want to wear mommy goggles, but at the same time I don't want to become a psycho micromanaging mommy either. I needed a little kick in the ass of reality and I needed to hear it from someone who was going to give it to me straight. Truth is, he is a great kid. But he is just that, a kid. And I have taken a breath and can now relax and go with the flow on Sunday when we go back to play(?) soccer.
I've also been dealing with the dilemma of my son not falling asleep at night. During the weekday when he is at school, he naps.... tonight he fell asleep at around 9:45. That has thrown me off balance because that is so late, that puts me very behind in all that I need and want to accomplish each night. I refused to change the time I was putting him to sleep (7:30ish) because I don't want for him to get accustomed to a later nightly routine. However, this week, my babysitter was away and I changed our schedule around a bit. I did something that I have been avoiding doing during the week because I just feel bad about doing it. I had wanted to go to the gym this week, but my only option was to bring my son to the babysitting there. I've always felt bad about picking him up from daycare and basically dropping him off at another. But, when I actually did it, that didn't seem to be the case. I picked him up right after work. We had enough time at home to play and interact before having dinner and then went to the gym after dinner. All while getting home shortly after 7. He was in bed by 8 both nights we did this. It actually worked out nicely and I am now contemplating not "wasting" a sitter night going to the gym when my son can go with me. This was an option I knew I had, but was just afraid to try. I am glad I did. I need that balance not just of getting away, but exercising in general has been something that I have incorporated into my healing and something I need to continue to do.
Friends: I do keep a close circle. And I have to admit that the majority of my friends here in NYC are women that I work with. Most of them are married and have children or married and pregnant. However, I feel like it is so hard to make plans that are actually able to stick... single or not! This week, two friends that I don't work with both coincidentally texted me. It had been a long time and it was nice to hear from them. I know that I could have been more proactive myself and texted them earlier and more often. But we plan on getting together in February and I am excited for that.
I've also done something outside of my box. I found a few single mommy groups on "Meet Up" and joined them. I haven't heard back yet about any upcoming meet ups, so we'll see where that takes me. It was during all of my worry throughout the soccer debacle that I realized that maybe it would be nice to have some single mommy friends too. It is different when you are raising a child(ren) alone and maybe a support group like that would be something that I would both benefit from and enjoy.
Beyond Friends: Lol... I'll save this one for tomorrow. It's been more that a week (see "Someone Special" if curious) and time to update.
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