A couple of weeks ago, I posted about how I felt as if my life was on a treadmill. I wasn't stuck, I was moving, but I just wasn't getting anywhere. Perhaps I didn't believe my own insight that I gained when I wrote that post. Perhaps I missed a message. Perhaps I just needed it thrown in my face in a more physical sense, because that is just what happened to me tonight.
It's Saturday and I had my babysitter for a night out! The plan was to go see a movie, just one subway stop away. Come to find out there was work being done on my line, so I had to take the train one stop back to go ahead three. Okay, not a big deal, I needed to stop at the ATM anyways. So I did and then I hoped back on the train to go back one which is where the theater is located. I blame the extra time it took me to get there... the movie was sold out. Alright... there was another movie in a Manhattan theater I also wanted to see, so I decided to just go there instead. So, back on to the subway. This time I had to go back two to transfer to a Manhattan bound train. So I did. Things were going smoothly until the train was stopped for some time for some reason, so I hopped off the train and took another in the same direction. This one was running express for some reason and I passed my stop. So, I had to get off and take a train back to the station that I was just waiting at to take the train I had been waiting in. I got on and it did move and I took it too my destination. This process took almost 2 hours, no lie! And I never made the backup movie either. Instead I had dinner and did some window shopping. I had to leave extra early to get home on time because I had to do almost the same thing... to get home, I had to catch the train in the opposite direction for a couple of stops so that I could transfer to the train going back to the direction of my home. Sound confusing? Stupid? Boring? I literally was moving for two hours and literally not getting anywhere. Which is how my life has felt recently.
As I sat on the train listening to music and wishing I hadn't forgotten my Cosmo magazine, I tried to not think about how I was paying my sitter for me to just basically ride the train all night. But it was hard and I was disappointed. On my way back, I had a different perspective. One of the places I had stopped and did some window shopping was Pier 1. I have been in the process of updating and redecorating my apartment and one thing that I am focusing on is to create a better (color) flow between the rooms. However, I have been stuck on some color choices and that has slowed my transformation. But when I walked into Pier 1, I immediately noticed the blues. I was thinking of changing and adding blue to my kitchen, but a friend suggested leaving what I had and to add a canary yellow to what I already have and I liked that idea too. So, seeing all this blue made me really want to add this to my home. It looked clean and modern and I thought it would be perfect for the living room and the kitchen (in yellow) and the rug runner I want for the hallway leading to it would all flow! So, I think I am going to go with blue, a dark sapphire/nautical blue. A color I hadn't even considered and one that I think is going to be perfect!
I think that I have clung onto the notion of continuously being active and moving forward in fear of what would happen if I stopped. I feared becoming stuck. I feared losing precious time. I don't have to fear becoming stuck anymore because I am mentally healthy and I know that deep down, becoming stuck just won't happen. I do still fear wasting precious time... life. However, that does not have to be the case either. If I feel that I am, I just need to open my eyes and see what is before me. Even though I felt like I didn't get anywhere tonight and I definitely wasn't taken to where I really wanted to be and go, I still got something out of my night. It wasn't a bust and I am not sitting here thinking that I wasted my money on a sitter. It may just sound like nonsense colors and decor to you, but to me, it's about creating and stamping my home with who I am and how I want to present myself through it. Tonight, I made some progress, I made some decisions which are going to allow me to continue on. And all this on a night when I felt like I had to continue to keep traveling backwards before I could go forward.
It's Saturday and I had my babysitter for a night out! The plan was to go see a movie, just one subway stop away. Come to find out there was work being done on my line, so I had to take the train one stop back to go ahead three. Okay, not a big deal, I needed to stop at the ATM anyways. So I did and then I hoped back on the train to go back one which is where the theater is located. I blame the extra time it took me to get there... the movie was sold out. Alright... there was another movie in a Manhattan theater I also wanted to see, so I decided to just go there instead. So, back on to the subway. This time I had to go back two to transfer to a Manhattan bound train. So I did. Things were going smoothly until the train was stopped for some time for some reason, so I hopped off the train and took another in the same direction. This one was running express for some reason and I passed my stop. So, I had to get off and take a train back to the station that I was just waiting at to take the train I had been waiting in. I got on and it did move and I took it too my destination. This process took almost 2 hours, no lie! And I never made the backup movie either. Instead I had dinner and did some window shopping. I had to leave extra early to get home on time because I had to do almost the same thing... to get home, I had to catch the train in the opposite direction for a couple of stops so that I could transfer to the train going back to the direction of my home. Sound confusing? Stupid? Boring? I literally was moving for two hours and literally not getting anywhere. Which is how my life has felt recently.
As I sat on the train listening to music and wishing I hadn't forgotten my Cosmo magazine, I tried to not think about how I was paying my sitter for me to just basically ride the train all night. But it was hard and I was disappointed. On my way back, I had a different perspective. One of the places I had stopped and did some window shopping was Pier 1. I have been in the process of updating and redecorating my apartment and one thing that I am focusing on is to create a better (color) flow between the rooms. However, I have been stuck on some color choices and that has slowed my transformation. But when I walked into Pier 1, I immediately noticed the blues. I was thinking of changing and adding blue to my kitchen, but a friend suggested leaving what I had and to add a canary yellow to what I already have and I liked that idea too. So, seeing all this blue made me really want to add this to my home. It looked clean and modern and I thought it would be perfect for the living room and the kitchen (in yellow) and the rug runner I want for the hallway leading to it would all flow! So, I think I am going to go with blue, a dark sapphire/nautical blue. A color I hadn't even considered and one that I think is going to be perfect!
I think that I have clung onto the notion of continuously being active and moving forward in fear of what would happen if I stopped. I feared becoming stuck. I feared losing precious time. I don't have to fear becoming stuck anymore because I am mentally healthy and I know that deep down, becoming stuck just won't happen. I do still fear wasting precious time... life. However, that does not have to be the case either. If I feel that I am, I just need to open my eyes and see what is before me. Even though I felt like I didn't get anywhere tonight and I definitely wasn't taken to where I really wanted to be and go, I still got something out of my night. It wasn't a bust and I am not sitting here thinking that I wasted my money on a sitter. It may just sound like nonsense colors and decor to you, but to me, it's about creating and stamping my home with who I am and how I want to present myself through it. Tonight, I made some progress, I made some decisions which are going to allow me to continue on. And all this on a night when I felt like I had to continue to keep traveling backwards before I could go forward.
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