Not so long ago, it seemed as if every few months, my son would enter a new phase of life. Not so surprising since he's only three now and that's what babies do. I remember that these changes always seemed to happen just as I finished adjusting and became comfortable with the phase that he was in. I also remember that the transitional time wasn't just an adjustment for me, it was for my son too. His mood and behaviors would change a bit... he seemed a bit off. That's how I knew he was in the process of some kind of change.
I think I'm in the process of a change.
For some time now, I have felt a bit off. I don't feel unhappy or stuck. But I have felt like I've been on a treadmill... moving, but not getting anywhere. Today I actually sat down and thought about all of this and that was my big revelation. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel about it. Frustrated? Disheartened? A bit, but not enough to label my feelings with those words. And that is when I thought about my experience with my son as he moved through so many stages so quickly when he was a baby. My phasing just doesn't seem to be transitioning as quickly. In many ways, I wish it would. I don't like it. But at the same time, maybe there is a reason. If I'm not consciously thinking about it, perhaps then my subconscious is moving at the exact pace it is meant to move.
So what is this change?
Back in November, I posted about how I was going to attempt The Happiness Project once again and I was going to start from the beginning with organization. Well, I did start it in November and I feel like I am still working on that first month and I just can't move on to the second. I feel cluttered and unorganized. But really, its just that I am ready to shed some more of my old possessions. Since I have decided that NYC is home (Home Sweet Brooklyn!?!) I have also decided that staying in my current apartment is best (financially, ease of life, etc.). So, I decided if I was going to stay in this apartment, I was going to update it as much as I can to make it me. To make it truly home. This process, although fun, is difficult in that there are things that I want to get rid of because they don't fit in or I'm just plain tired of them but... It's that whole process of letting more things go. I'm not very materialistic and I have tried not to put so much sentiment onto materialistic items, but these items are just reminders of my past. And as hard as I have worked to make it possible to look forward with hope and a smile, it breaks my heart to know that someday soon all of these things will eventually be phased out and replaced.
Currently, I'm working on my kitchen. I just bought (and put together!) and new kitchen island with a granite (yay!) counter top. I have very little counter space, so this was almost a necessity. But that meant that I no longer needed or had room for the old one. Since the new one has more storage, I also took down the butcher's rack to make more room in the kitchen. I'm giving the old cart away to someone who needs it and that makes me feel good. The racks are probably just going to be put in front of my house and some stranger will probably pick them up. I cannot tell you how many of my possessions have been given away in those two ways. I know that it is completely my decision to give them up, but I think giving them up is part of my healing and process of moving on and that was something that was more forced upon me to have to do.
As I was taking down those racks last night, it made me sad because I was taking down what my husband had put up. And then I did something that I don't know if I had allowed myself to do ever... It was so quiet in my apartment last night, I closed my eyes and I tried to remember the sounds that I used to hear. My husband would have been in the next room with the t.v. on. He would have been making tea, as he drank a cup every night. My dogs would have been walking around, playing, whining to go outside, or just lying next to my husband who liked to sit on the floor with them and his tea while he watched some history show. But instead, it was silent. And lonely.
And as sad and as painful as the loneliness was, there was also something else in that loneliness. I know that some of it will never ever be filled. However, some of it can and I want that. I will always be a work in progress, but I don't need that alone time anymore to find myself and to heal. I miss having someone to share all aspects of life with (not just raising my son as I usually post). So I think that it is this that is truly the root of my of my thoughts and feelings, not the loss of a cheap, ugly butcher's rack. Shedding more concrete possessions is really a representation for the emotional shedding that I have been doing. It's not just an idea anymore, it's now a reality that I want to share my life again with someone.
These transitional phases are so difficult. I'm thinking the best thing to do is to just let it be. There are some things that you just cannot rush. Perhaps I need to show myself the same patience that I needed to give my son and still do as he continues to change and grow as that is what I am doing myself.
I think I'm in the process of a change.
For some time now, I have felt a bit off. I don't feel unhappy or stuck. But I have felt like I've been on a treadmill... moving, but not getting anywhere. Today I actually sat down and thought about all of this and that was my big revelation. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel about it. Frustrated? Disheartened? A bit, but not enough to label my feelings with those words. And that is when I thought about my experience with my son as he moved through so many stages so quickly when he was a baby. My phasing just doesn't seem to be transitioning as quickly. In many ways, I wish it would. I don't like it. But at the same time, maybe there is a reason. If I'm not consciously thinking about it, perhaps then my subconscious is moving at the exact pace it is meant to move.
So what is this change?
Back in November, I posted about how I was going to attempt The Happiness Project once again and I was going to start from the beginning with organization. Well, I did start it in November and I feel like I am still working on that first month and I just can't move on to the second. I feel cluttered and unorganized. But really, its just that I am ready to shed some more of my old possessions. Since I have decided that NYC is home (Home Sweet Brooklyn!?!) I have also decided that staying in my current apartment is best (financially, ease of life, etc.). So, I decided if I was going to stay in this apartment, I was going to update it as much as I can to make it me. To make it truly home. This process, although fun, is difficult in that there are things that I want to get rid of because they don't fit in or I'm just plain tired of them but... It's that whole process of letting more things go. I'm not very materialistic and I have tried not to put so much sentiment onto materialistic items, but these items are just reminders of my past. And as hard as I have worked to make it possible to look forward with hope and a smile, it breaks my heart to know that someday soon all of these things will eventually be phased out and replaced.
Currently, I'm working on my kitchen. I just bought (and put together!) and new kitchen island with a granite (yay!) counter top. I have very little counter space, so this was almost a necessity. But that meant that I no longer needed or had room for the old one. Since the new one has more storage, I also took down the butcher's rack to make more room in the kitchen. I'm giving the old cart away to someone who needs it and that makes me feel good. The racks are probably just going to be put in front of my house and some stranger will probably pick them up. I cannot tell you how many of my possessions have been given away in those two ways. I know that it is completely my decision to give them up, but I think giving them up is part of my healing and process of moving on and that was something that was more forced upon me to have to do.
As I was taking down those racks last night, it made me sad because I was taking down what my husband had put up. And then I did something that I don't know if I had allowed myself to do ever... It was so quiet in my apartment last night, I closed my eyes and I tried to remember the sounds that I used to hear. My husband would have been in the next room with the t.v. on. He would have been making tea, as he drank a cup every night. My dogs would have been walking around, playing, whining to go outside, or just lying next to my husband who liked to sit on the floor with them and his tea while he watched some history show. But instead, it was silent. And lonely.
And as sad and as painful as the loneliness was, there was also something else in that loneliness. I know that some of it will never ever be filled. However, some of it can and I want that. I will always be a work in progress, but I don't need that alone time anymore to find myself and to heal. I miss having someone to share all aspects of life with (not just raising my son as I usually post). So I think that it is this that is truly the root of my of my thoughts and feelings, not the loss of a cheap, ugly butcher's rack. Shedding more concrete possessions is really a representation for the emotional shedding that I have been doing. It's not just an idea anymore, it's now a reality that I want to share my life again with someone.
These transitional phases are so difficult. I'm thinking the best thing to do is to just let it be. There are some things that you just cannot rush. Perhaps I need to show myself the same patience that I needed to give my son and still do as he continues to change and grow as that is what I am doing myself.
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