Something is Missing

So I returned back home to New York yesterday, but what I failed to mention in yesterday's post is that I returned alone.  My son is staying with my parents until Friday when they (volunteered) to drive him back home. 

This is actually my first time in New York/home without him.  I have left my son with my parents twice before, but that was when I went to Las Vegas and the Northwest.  Being home though is different than being away without him.  I have to admit, it is weird to not have him here.  I keep catching myself looking for him and even panicking for a second when I feel that he's not there.  I am just so used to having him with me, that I truly do feel like something is missing without him. 

I can't help to admit that I have wondered how different my life would be had I been widowed without a child.  Would I have moved?  Would I have decided to teach abroad?  Would I have taken a leave from teaching or would I have gone back to school to further my career or change it completely?  Would I have had more dates?  Would I have taken more risks?  Would I have kept it together as well as I have?

I can't answer any of those questions because I do have a child.  And he is wonderful!  And I am so very, very thankful that I have him.  I don't care if I would have traveled more or if I would have had more dates or even all of the extra money that I would have had being completely single.  My son brings something to my life that is far more valuable and greater than anything else... anything else.

So while I will very much enjoy the freedom that I will have over the next few days and I will appreciate the opportunity that my son will have to enjoy our family without me, there is still a little piece missing here at home.  But, I know that we both need this separation.  It's good for the both of us.

(And... there is a particular reason that my son is spending this New Year's week with my parents.  That's because I have a date!  This will be date 6.5, lol.  So, yes... tonight I will ring in the New Year with my New Yorker.)

The Christmas Craze

The craziness that is the Christmas Season is officially over for me as I am back home in New York after spending the past week away with my family.  There were many wonderful moments and lots of great times had this past week, but there were also a few tough moments too. 

The best part about this time of year is of course all of the wonder and excitement that you can only find in the eyes of a child.  When my son opened up the one and only gift that he asked Santa for (an excavator) it truly was priceless.  He was so happy and excited, it warmed me to the bone.  He was excited about everything though... Play Doh, army guys, socks, lol. 

I think that my parents love having us home for Christmas.  It must be awesome as a grandparent to have Santa come to your house to deliver presents for you grandchild.  I can't imagine that it will always be this way.  But for the past three years it has been and I think that we are all enjoying this special time together and the memories being made. 

Three years... that is how many Christmas' it has now been without Dale.  My son and I spent last Sunday with Dale's parents to celebrate Christmas together.  My son is always so happy to see them and they always seem to know exactly what to give him to make him happy.  Three years... there is a great amount of healing that can be had in that amount of time.  And I have to admit that this past visit with Dale's family was much easier to handle.  It was easier to drive through his hometown.  It was easier to drive past the memories of our lives together (see last year's post) and what we once hoped for and what we had wanted together.  I was able to make the journey from Dale's hometown to my own with only a few tears shed. 

Life doesn't stop.  Not for any of us.  This was the first Christmas without my grandmother.  Surprisingly, my mother and my grandfather seemed to handle it as well as you could imagine.  My grandfather has taken the loss of my grandmother quite hard.  They were married for nearly 64 years, how could he not?  But he seemed to enjoy himself as he was surrounded by his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.  Grandma was still very much missed in all of our hearts though. 

I, once again, managed to find myself sick... again.  It slowed me down, but it didn't stop me from having a great Christmas.  I managed to go out one night with my dad, out to dinner in Buffalo with my brother and sister (and sibling bonding Christmas gift to one another ), out for lunch with my grandma, and I even got to play in the snow with my son! 

All in all it was a great week and I hope that you all had a great holiday as well! 

The Letter

In 2007, just before we moved to New York, I found a letter in the garage.  It was a letter written by my husband... a goodbye letter.  There was no date and I had no idea when it had been written.  I confronted my husband immediately.  And to be completely honest...  I have no recollection of this conversation.  You would think that would be something that would be impressed into your memory.  For me, I think it was part of all the emotional trauma that has been suppressed within my mind.

The Letter was something that I took and held on to.  I tucked it away in a place that I couldn't remember and I hadn't seen it since.  I had wondered if it had gotten lost in our two big moves.  Or if it was somewhere in one of the many things that I had to let go.  The Letter showed up just before Thanksgiving when I was cleaning out the storage room.  I had stuck it in a book filled with greeting cards.  This letter, The Letter, may well be one of the most important items that I have from Dale.

The Letter is addressed to "Dear Reader."  In this letter there is no mention to or about me.  There is no mention to or about anyone in his family.  There is no mention to or about our son because this letter was written atleast two years before he was ever born.  The words express Dale's exhaustion.  His desire to sleep.  His relationship with God.  As heart wrenching as it is and was to read it now, nearly 7 years later after it was written and nearly 3 years after his death, there is a great deal of comfort in it as well.  He did leave me a video, his last words to me.  However, they are not comforting.  The Letter is.

In The Letter, Dale mentioned only two specific things from his life.  Our dogs.  It seems almost fitting that they both joined him so soon after.  I imagine that they all found one another.   I imagine that with Dale's love for exploration and the border collies' endless energy that they are all happily together and on the move doing things that I cannot even imagine.  <3

My son, belongs with me.  And when the time comes, this is a letter that I will share with him.  And I do hope that it will bring him some peace over what will be a very painful and confusing revelation.  I dread that day.  But, it will be a day that will one day be here.  Sooner than I would like to think.

I wasn't sure if or when I would write about The Letter.  However, after yesterday's post, I felt this belonged next.  The fear that I expressed yesterday is real and it is valid.  What is worse than finding a letter such as this, is that someone actually wrote it and meant every word.  That someone had a name, a son, a wife, a family... a life.  That's the tragedy.  And I want for my son to never have a passing thought such as the ones his father expressed.  But I have to admit that I am thankful now for it and it did bring me some more peace.  I only hope that it will bring that same peace to my son one day when he is old enough to hear the truth about this father's death. 

Spooked

Saturday night my son woke up crying.  He said that he saw smoke up near the ceiling in his room and he told me we needed to call the firemen. 

I panicked for a second until I checked out the room and thankfully saw that there was no smoke.  My son must of had a dream.  Earlier that day, we had actually been to a fire station for a family and friends Christmas party.  So it made some sense that perhaps that experience seeped into his sleeping mind.  However, he had a hard time calming down and falling back to sleep.  So, I laid down with him in his bed until he fell asleep and he slept through the rest of the night.  Phew!  Or so I thought...

Yesterday was all well and good up to dinner time.  My son knew what was coming next and he was literally in tears on and off for about an hour leading to bedtime.  He didn't want to go to sleep.  He was scared to go to sleep.  He was worried about the smoke.  Even though we checked out his room to make sure there wasn't any smoke, he still cried during his bath.  He cried during story time.  He cried while I was with him in bed.  It broke my heart to see him so distraught. 

Today, same thing.  His emotions got the best of him even before dinner tonight.  He cried on and off and was completely miserable for about two hours.  My son is spooked.

I have never seen him so upset and emotional like this.  The only times that he was woken up at night and has had a difficult time falling back to sleep in recent times is when he is getting sick.  So, I was half expecting for that to happen, but I don't think that is going to happen.  I don't think that's the case.   Today, I got spooked.

The crying began because of the realization that bedtime was soon approaching, but it quickly turned into an emotional breakdown over every little thing... eating dinner, watching tv, going to the bathroom alone, etc.  At one point, he was crying in a sad way about watching tv.  Then all of a sudden he stopped.  It was so sudden it caught my attention because I thought he lost his breath or was going to become sick, but no... in that instant, his mood changed from crying sadly to a pouty mad face.  A scary, angry face actually.  My heart sank. 

There was only one time, when I have seen someone change moods as dramatically and as instantly as that.  It was his father who did it... in the middle of emotional breakdown. 

My greatest fear is for my son to acquire a single trace of his father's disease.  It petrifies me.  My son however is a very happy child.  He is spirited.  He is light.  He seems nothing but balanced and healthy.  I have made a conscious effort to be positive with him.  To encourage him.  To tell him daily how special, brave, and smart he is.  I tell him I am so proud of him.  I want him to know his worth.  I have even signed him up for karate and am so happy that he likes it.  That is a sport that I really wanted for him to take on because of its mental discipline.  I am trying to be proactive and to build such a strong wall from the nurturing standpoint that will kick the ass of any part of the nature aspect of him that may have a predisposition.  And for a while, I felt comfortable and confident in that.  But I have to admit that today, his sudden and drastic change in mood, it took a piece of that away.  It stung.

Before I began writing tonight, I did Google fears, nightmares, and phobias in 4 year olds.  Its perfectly normal.  It just isn't or wasn't normal for him.  And if it does become the new norm for now, I can handle that.  It's not the fear of the dark or fear of going to sleep (I had that too, I can identify!), that bothered me.  It was the look in his eyes when his mood did a 360.  On the positive side, he was tired.  He looked awful tonight.  I am hoping that was the triggering factor.  

Hope... I can do all the right things and all that I can, but I also need a big dose of hope as well.  Maybe this is just a reminder that I can't get overly confident or overly comfortable in my son's emotional and mental development. 

I feel like I just stared my worst fear in the face today.  Yes, it spooked me.  But I didn't loose it.  I fought back by being loving, by listening and understanding, and by being fair and stern.  I wanted him to feel safe and secure, but I wasn't going to back down because of the tears or anger either.  That was what I was never able to do with or for Dale.  But I have learned and I am stronger... and so is my son, strong. 

These Are Days to Remember

There have been times when I have loathed the process.  There have been times when it seemed undoable, unbearable, and uncertain.  The process though... that's life itself.  In all of it's glory and all of it's misery... it's life.

These are days to remember... There is so much beauty and wonder to be had.  I think this is the perfect song to represent what I have learned to embrace, enjoy, and appreciate in these past two years and what better a post than my (2 week late) 2 year blogging anniversary post!

The Process... Always moving on and moving up... Always something new to see and experience.

Stepping Outside of My Comfort Zone

There has been a great deal of growth for me in the past two plus years.  That couldn't have occurred had I never ventured out of my comfort zone.  This blog was probably my first.  I know that I have remained anonymous, however, the words that I share are completely genuine and my truth.  It took awhile to get used to, sharing them with virtual strangers.  Even the friendships that I now have took some stepping outside of my comfort zone in order to develop.  Traveling alone.  Joining a meet up group for single mothers... belly dancing... all outside of my once small, tight box of comfort.  I've pushed limits and I am better for it.  I know that I still need to continue to push myself as I want to continue learning, growing, and living.  However,  these are all examples of pushing the limits in areas outside of an intimate relationship.

Frustrated, yes.  But, I have also become comfortable in my "love" life.  I have yet to be challenged by anyone.  I mean... I have been challenged with my patience.  I have been challenged to trust my gut.  But I haven't been challenged in a deeper sense... in a way in which I need to face all of my insecurities.  In some ways, I did face some of these with Jesse.  However, Jesse was warm.  He was comfortable.  He didn't necessarily take me outside of my comfort zone to push my limits. 

I think my New Yorker will.  I think he is a challenge.  I don't mean that I view him as a conquest... I'm not determined to make him fall in love with me (atleast not yet, lol).  He's already made it clear that he is quite "smitten" with me.  But, there is something about him that makes me a bit uncomfortable.   I don't mean that in a negative or bad way.  He has acted like nothing but a gentleman towards me.  I mean uncomfortable in a sense that I can't stay where I am and have this develop into something.  I need to step out.

Today I met him for date 2.5.  Lol, we met for about an hour or so for coffee.  He's definitely someone who just puts it out there.  He is who he is, no shame at all.  He is a talker.  He is social.  He is full of personality.  FULL!  And although I admire all of those qualities, it is also poses a challenge to me because I am such a mild version of all of that. 

I function very well on my own because when there is no one else around, I know how to step it up.  However, when there is someone else... I take the back seat.  I've done this repeatedly in my life... when I played sports, when I taught with other teachers, in my marriage.  It's not always a bad thing, but it can be.  It was in my marriage and I can't do that again.  NYer's big personality makes it all the more tempting for me to take that back seat.  But I know that I need to push myself and join him with the reigns.  That's going to take a conscious effort on my part as I have already begun to see myself taking a step back.

He is definitely the talker, but I was very quiet today.  This was partly because I was actually self reflecting as this .5 date was going on.  He asked me today if I'd like to spend New Year's with him, if I didn't already have plans.  He likes me :).  But, as I was listening to him talk and smile at me and wink at me,  I couldn't help but to wonder why.  I don't mean that in a self pity, no self esteem kind of way.  I had wondered that because I was disappointed in how I was presenting myself.  I haven't really told him a whole lot about myself.  And what I did tell him, I didn't elaborate well and I have actually been selling myself short by my lack of verbality (that's not a word, but I like it!).  I haven't been owning myself and I think it's because I have seen him as a challenge before I even knew it.  And I have backed down without even realizing it.  :(

The good thing... he likes me.  And I have another chance on our 1.0 date tomorrow night.  I owe it to myself to step out of my comfort zone and really own my thoughts and opinions and to just share myself fully.  I have been completely honest with him in all that I have shared, but what I have shared has been half-assed.  I don't know who this guy is and what he will become to me.  What I do know and what he probably doesn't,  is that if I let him, he's going to take me outside those walls of comfort.

Happy Birthday... To Me!

Today is my birthday and I hit it... I am 35 and am officially in my mid-thirties.  Like most things, the anticipation of this day was much worse than the actual day itself.  I still feel the same and look the same as I did yesterday when I was still 34.  In fact, the Dr. Oz Real Age Quiz tells me that I am 29!  And you know, I feel it.  I think that's what's hard about reaching this semi-milestone age.  It's hard for me to believe that I am in fact 35.  I know comparatively it is young, but even still, I don't feel that I am even that old.  I guess that's what really matters, isn't it?

For the past two years, I've have family come and visit me for my birthday.  This year, that didn't happen and so this was the first birthday that I spent alone (with the exception of my son, of course!).  I tried to plan and keep busy this weekend and I did and it turned out to be a great! 

On Friday, a group of 10 girlfriends from work went out to dinner.  We do this for each other's birthday and the birthday girl gets treated.  It's a nice, fun little tradition.  I got an extra surprise when everyone had also chipped in to pay my babysitter for my night out.  It was completely unexpected and it brought tears to my eyes.  It was such a thoughtful and sweet gesture and one that I appreciated so much!  It was a great night out to say the least. 

On Saturday, my son and I went to Sesame Place... more on that to come! 

Sunday was a lazy day.  It was very much needed after a busy, busy week.  So I didn't even mind being cooped up all day long.  It was cozy and relaxing! 

Then my birthday strolled along.  At 12:00 on the dot, I got a text.  My New Yorker had that text typed and it was waiting for the stroke of midnight so that he could be "the first one to wish me a happy birthday."  He was.  And it was incredibly sweet.  Wednesday will be our third date and he is making me a special birthday dinner.  Yep... he's cooking! 

Monday has been our night and he did ask if I'd like for him to take me out for my birthday, but I declined.  It's only been 2 dates.  And even though I do like him, I didn't want there to be any added birthday pressure.  And even more so than that, I had already planned an evening with my son and I really didn't want to change that.  So I didn't and that felt good.

So how did I spend my birthday?  I didn't go to one of the best pizzeria's in NYC or to Rockefeller Center to see the tree, or take a horse a carriage ride through Central Park like originally planned.  The weather wasn't so great.  So instead, I got a mani-pedi, picked up my son and had Chinese for dinner.  After that, we went to a neighborhood with a huge display of Christmas lights.  He oohed and ahhed at them.  We sang Christmas songs together as we held hands walking up and down the streets and when we passed by a house that was playing music, we stopped and danced.   I love that little boy.  And I loved spending my birthday with him. 

It was a quite birthday, but it was a special one too.  35 isn't looking so bad after all!  :)

Bonfire Heart

I love this live version of James Blunt's "Bonfire Heart."  I feel as though the words could be my own.  I want to be loved, but I equally want to love... and, for all the simplicities that we have to offer one another, which in reality is everything.  It seems frightening to risk exposing yourself to such vulnerability.  Letting someone in... that's the only way for that bonfire spark to become light.  Or in my words, the only way to experience true amazement. 

A Change in Plans

First of all, I can't believe that it has been two weeks since I last posted!  I know I have been slacking lately, but a two week vacation?!?  Really me???

There have been a few things on my mind that I have wanted to post, but tonight, this topic takes the cake because... it's what's on my mind.  Guys... I've met someone!  :)

He is my first born and raised New Yorker.  He's loud, he has an accent, he swears, he hates the subway...yep, a genuine New Yorker, and... he's completely charming. 

We went on our second date last night and it was just... fun!  We started off at a quaint pizza and wine bar.  It was such a nice night out and we were so close to Rockefeller Center and the 5th Ave. window displays, I we just had to walk around!  We held hands, we talked, we took pictures, we acted like tourists, we saw... FAO Schwartz!  We went in and played with hand puppets and had a sword fight, you know, the typical second date things.  After we left we found a little cafe, had hot chocolate and gelato and called it a night.  It was just... simple and fun and I completely appreciated that, so much! 

I think at a different time, he may have been one of the many guys that I had a very nice first date with, but would feel comfortable in letting him go without a second.  What I knew after the first date was that I wanted a second not because sparks were flying, but because of who he was.  He was someone who actually picked up the phone and called me a couple of times before our first date.  He actually said "Wow" when I walked into the bar and complimented me throughout the night.  He ordered a bottle of wine (that I selected), tons of food, and just didn't seem to care about the money spent on a first date.  He seems to lay it all out there, and although I am not turned on by the fact that he owns an adult onesie (yes, you read that correctly and yes, he shared that with me prior to our first date, and yes, I still went) I appreciate the fact that he owns that, as in himself.  I don't feel like there's any game going on and even when we didn't finalize our plans for last night until about 5 pm, I could trust that it was still going to happen.  That goes such a long way. 

He's worn a suit both times (although that can be considered work attire).  He loves Broadway shows, yet he is a very manly man.  I love his voice.  It's low, it's gruff... it's kinda sexy.  I find him to be cute though.  I think he is one of those people who would dote on that someone special.  That sounds nice, doesn't it?

My sister told me today to not think about him being the one.  Sista... I got that covered.  Honestly, I can't think that way... it actually scares me.  It's too much for me to think about, not just with him, but with anyone.  I know I talk about meeting my amazing all the time, but I find it frightening as well.  If anything, I feel that I have been more reserved with him because I feel like I could really like him.   But, that's as far as I can go with it right now.  I've learned from my dating experiences that you can't count on anything more than just the moment you're in.  I also learned to appreciate those good moments when you have them.  So, that's what I am doing.  I am enjoying the moments and I am excited about it.  This is different than with Jesse.  It was too soon for me to be openly excited about him with others and moreso with myself.  But actually, I think I want to take this into its own post, I know, I know... but I still want to. 

Right now... it's the New Yorker.  He was unexpected and found me online in which I was supposed to get off of.  He stepped in and kind of ruined those plans.  Just like I think I may have to give up on my singles board game meetup group for now.  Oh well... I am just happy to have some fun company for now to enjoy some good moments with. 

Fame!

I am not a dancer.  I don't even have enough rhythm in my whole body to fill up my little pinky.  Yet today, I found myself in a NYC dance studio!

It was actually a very cool and a very not me experience.

Tonight I went to my first belly dancing class!  And it was so much fun!  It was a small group of women... not sure if I am going to meet and make my new BFF there, lol, but... they were nice and I had a really great time.

My instructor was a cute, young Manhattanite with stars in her eyes.  The studio was full of young aspiring hopefuls.  It was neat step into that life.  It's very different than my own, even when I was in my very early twenties.  I had already planned out my life in many ways... I had my career and my future husband all lined up before I even graduated college.  But this post is not about that.

This post is about the fun I had tonight.  It's about getting out into the city and feeling its energy.  It's about trying something new.  It's about not stopping and becoming complacent in life.  It's about doing things that make you feel happy and alive.  It's about... working those hips and mastering the shimmy!  

I can't wait to go back!  :)

The Black Hole

Lately I have been thinking about my life.  I have been thinking about Dale more and thinking back on my life with him.  In many ways it has gotten easier to think about him and our life together, but there are still many ways in which I find it very difficult to do.  Besides the pain and sadness, there is the heartbreaking reality which inspired this blog post... a black hole.

Much of my life with my husband was spent with just him.  I loved being with him.  I loved the hikes, the kayaks, the coffee shops, the antique shops, the long walks with the dogs, the intimate Thanksgiving dinners, the cozy Christmas mornings, the quite nights in drinking tea... I remember thinking that I could move away with him, out in the middle of nowhere, live off of the land, and be completely happy.  And I believed that for a long time. 

What I know now is how important it is to have people in your life, other people besides your significant other.  With each move we made, we had less friends.  We lived farther from family.  We just weren't getting lost in one another's company anymore, we were becoming isolated.  Very isolated.  And now I am feeling another consequence for that, my fading memories.

I met Dale almost exactly 16 years ago.  We were together ever since... almost 14 years.  I was only 32 when he died.  So a huge chunk of my life was spent with him.  And a large chunk of that time spent with him was spent with him alone.  So many of my memories were not only intertwined with him, but my own individual memories were shared mainly with him.  When something good, bad, funny, etc. happened to me... I shared it with him.  I didn't call my parents.  I didn't have many friends to not only create memories with, but to share my life experiences and stories with.  For better or worse, Dale and I truly were two peas in a pod and that pod was out in the middle of the sea. 

So as time passes and I have no one to recall memories with, I am forgetting many things.  Not just about Dale, but about me too.  It was my life.  And so much of my life died with Dale.  In this case, I feel that time is working against me and is sucking up my memories where they will be lost forever in a black hole. 

That is why it was extra painful to lose my dogs.  Just their presence was a living reminder of some of my most cherished memories with Dale.  My son is too, of course.  But the time we had with our son was only just a sliver of our time together.  The majority of my life with him was with him and the dogs. 

When I think back on my life with him as I am now, it seems incomprehensible to me how I have been able to stand.  Honestly, I do not know how I have been able to get up every single day and smile.  The end and the months leading to the end was traumatic.  It was awful.  It was excruciating.  But still... there were so many years with so many happy, amazing memories created. 

I had a dream last night.  I couldn't see him, but I was talking to him.  That's unusual since it's always the opposite.  This was only the second dream that I have had where we spoke.  But, last night we were having an actual conversation.  I don't remember the sound of his voice in the dream.  Again, I didn't see him, but I knew that it was him.  In so many of my dreams, I am aware that he is dead, but in my dreams it didn't really happen.  For one reason or another, the death was faked.  I didn't feel that sense last night, I was just in the moment of talking to him and telling him about everything that had happened this past year.  The part that I remember telling him was that my grandmother died.  I remember telling him that it was my mother's mother and how our dog Skye died on the same day.  He spoke back to me telling me that he thought she (the dog) may had passed since he didn't see her anywhere.  And that was it.  That was my dream.  That was the most he had ever spoken to me in my dream. 

I miss him.  I miss that part of my life that is missing without him.  I have done something that I have never done.  I took out his wedding band and put it on a chain.  I'm going to wear it tomorrow to work.  I don't plan on keeping his ring with me at all times from now on.  I just feel like I want to feel him close, for just a bit.  It's taken a long time to feel comfortable inviting him back into my life.  And we deserve it.  We both do, for all great memories that time allowed for us to share and for all of those great memories that time has already began to take away. 

Climbing Back on to the Turnip Truck

So it’s 7:15 on a Tuesday night and instead of a date that I prematurely set with a man to follow a lunch date yesterday, I am sitting in a bar about a block away from my apartment.  I’m sitting here with my laptop and my freshly manicured fingers typing away.  My pretzel-crumbed plate is staring at me as I wish there were more to pick at, but atleast I still have my glass of Stella Artois to keep me company.  I got a good set up here, at my little table.  I’ve got 45 minutes to kill before I head home and relieve my babysitter’s three-hour shift.  I feel like a New Yorker… I’m feeling good right now, like I used to when I was enjoying the present moment and not worrying about the future.

What happened?  When did I fall off of that wagon?  I was right when I posted not too long ago that my main goal in this new phase of my life is to maintain what I have worked so hard at building.  I am currently searching for a bead to add to my bracelet to represent that.  I became cocky.  I just one day woke up and decided that I didn’t need any more life lessons, I had had enough.  Well, life didn’t see it that way and I have felt the repercussions of my arrogance since. 

[I wish this bar had peanuts.]

I have decided that I let things become stagnant.  I stopped trying new things and putting myself out there.  I became semi-obsessed with controlling the uncontrollable and like I posted yesterday, I really did hit a low.  So last night, I decided that I am officially taking myself offline (dating).  I need to not use that as my crutch to try different avenues.  So also last night, I joined 3 new meet-up groups (www.meetup.com:  There’s a group for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g! lol).  I joined a singles board game group.  They meet every other Tuesday and at a bar in Manhattan.  Cool!  It could be cool to meet someone special there, but even if I don’t, I am sure to meet new people and maybe even make some new friends!  I just got accepted to become a member of this group today, so I will have to wait until the 26^th to go.  I’m excited!

The second group that I joined I am quite sure I will NOT find a date at.  It’s a belly dancer group!!!  I have absolutely NO rhythm or moves at all whatsoever!  But… I have wanted for some time to join some kind of dance program (ballroom, salsa, belly) and it took me until yesterday to actually do it.  I have already RSVP’d  to next Wednesday’s class.  I am hoping to coax a friend to coming with me, but even if not, I am still going and I am very excited about this one!

My final group is a mommy book and wine club.  I have wanted to join a book club since my own flopped nearly two years ago.  This group meets only once a month and they are located very close to home.  Did I mention you need to bring a bottle of wine to each meeting?!?  :)    Again, won’t be meeting any men there, but I really am not that man-obsessed.  I would like to network, meet new people, etc. 

I also spoke to my friend who is a kickboxer today.  I wanted to start an offical class, but opted to run at the park (free!) during September and October.  It is officially super cold out and there is no way, my little behind will be running in the cold, dark months of winter.  I hope to go 2x a week immediately after work where I can leave my son at day care and pick him up by 5.  

If I can pull that off, go the board game nights 2x a month, belly dancing 2x a month, the book club once a month, and go out with girlfriends atleast once a month, I will be a happy camper.  Notice that there is not one mention of a date!?!  If it happens, it happens.  But I need to keep busy with things that will help me to grow and to stay happy! 

I have to admit, 2013 has not been an easy year.  There’s no comparison to the horror and trauma of 2011, but still… it has not been easy.  It’s time to get the ball rolling.  First to start off my new age of 35 (in less than 1 month, agh!!) and the new year! 

P.S.   The bar tender is super cute and could put on quite the gun show.  ;)  I guess I should atleast smile, right?  (I’m so bad at this! Lol)

P.S.S.  I came home at 8:00 to find that my son was already asleep… :)

It's a good night.  

Under Pressure

Under pressure... that is absolutely how I have been feeling for the past, I don't know... months  It's been wearing at me and I think that I finally the bottom. 

What is it?  What's eating at me?  None other than the desire to meet someone.  I've taken out any potential fun in the process.  I feel like I am being strict and rigid and analyzing my naturally analytical mind.  I didn't really begin to feel the pressure until I returned home from the trip to the Northwest.  I felt like that was the ending of one phase and I was into a new.  I felt really ready to meet someone and since I felt ready, I expected it/him to basically fall into my lap right then and there.  And when he didn't... I began to press.  I began to stress and obsess.  I began to feel that negative tension and first the loneliness factor started to kick in, then the self pity, then the pressure began to take on a life of its own. 

The pressure that I have put upon myself is much more than just that I feel I am ready.  I am turning 35 next month.  35 will be the new age next to my profile on the online dating sites I am on.  I can't help to feel that number will work against me or atleast, it won't help.  But its even more than just that.  I would like to have another child.  35 is a big year.  I am officially in my mid-thirties and I don't have that much time left to have children.  I am not being overly dramatic, that's just the truth.  At this point, I feel as though I would take having another child off the plate when I turn 38.  I know that's three years, but three years goes very quickly... I have been single now for almost that long. 

Another reason that I have put so much pressure on myself is my son.  He talks and talks more and more about his father and the things that they do and what he will tell him.  Just the other day my son told me that "the ghost tree is going to give me a new daddy and a baby sister."  I have never heard of the "ghost tree" before.  I have never mentioned to him that I wanted to find a new daddy for him, ever.  I don't know where this came from, but I have to admit, I wanted to believe in this ghost tree too!  Nevertheless, it breaks my heart to hear my son talk about and ask questions about dads.  I know he is missing out on this crucial piece in his life.  I cannot fill that piece.  All I can do is try to soften the edges and... find someone to fill that role for him.  It is this reason, my son, the child that I do have which truly adds on the pressure for me. 

I know I shouldn't feel this way.  I know that I cannot force things to happen.  I know that I have very little to no control over when this will happen.  And I think all of that contributed to all of the freaking out I did this weekend over that guy I posted about on Saturday.  

I have to control the controllable and let go of the rest.  It's taking away my fun and even my general happiness and it's just not worth it.  Time to POP that bubble of pressure!

Reality Bites

Last Friday, I posted "Just Around the Corner" sharing my thoughts that I had about this feeling that perhaps something was indeed just around the corner for me. 

On Saturday, I met a guy online whom I liked pretty much right away.  He contacted me first.  He complemented me.  He seemed very sweet.  He seemed interested.  He seemed enthusiastic.  He seemed open and easy to chat with.  Over the past week we continued to e-mail and I liked him more and more.  He remembered things that I said and asked me about them.  He asked me about my son and remember things I had mentioned about him.  He felt easy going and easy to share things with and I felt comfortable telling him some things about my son rather than just mentioning to him that I had one.  He asked me if I'd like to meet up and we set a date for Tuesday.  We moved on to texting and I was enjoying getting to know him. 

I had two reservations.  One is that he's a smoker.  That's not a deal breaker, but a disgusting and expensive habit that I'm not very much attracted too.  The other is that he's a 36 year old student who moved back home with his parents in New Jersey while getting his degree.  He's in a radiology program which I have learned is quite extensive and rigorous.  I understand how expensive it is to live here and how hard it would be able to work while in residency to make ends meat.  So that didn't bother me so much because he was working towards a high achieving goal.  However, he is unemployed.  How do I date someone unemployed?  I'm not even thinking materialistically.  But just to go out for a cup of coffee... Dinner?  That would make me feel bad and I can't afford to pay for dinners when I am paying for a sitter.  But, I took a breath and let that go because I liked him. 

He said he had a good feeling about this and I wanted to believe him and I did.  He acted the way Jesse did and it was such a great feeling.  It was that feeling that I was looking and looking for and hadn't been able to find since Jesse.  I even put my dating reservations down and wanted to act like I did when I met Jesse and not feel like I had to play things rigid or safe.  I just went with the flow.  I told him that he made me smile and that I was excited about meeting him.  We even began to almost make plans for dates beyond the first, or atleast assumptions.  Again, it felt nice. 

So, when he both found out that we were going to be in Manhattan this afternoon, he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee.  I told him I would have my son and he said he knew.  Again, it was nice that having a son wasn't an issue.  I had never introduced my son to anyone and I was unsure of how to do it.  I said it needed to be very, very casual and he said he's a casual person.  I didn't see any harm with this, so I went with it.  And I met this man today.

The man that I met today and the man that I envisioned myself meeting today are two very different people.  It began when he first approached us.  I never would have recognized him because he looked 10 years older than his pictures.  It is very hard to believe that he is only 36.  He is very handsome in his cover photo (which I did learn yesterday was a "couple?" of years old).  I did notice a difference in that handsomeness in all the rest of the photos, but he looked cute enough.  He looks so very different than even those photos.  That really threw me.  However, one can up their looks by their overall appearance.  The right clothes, etc... it can make such a different.  He was dressed frumpy.  I couldn't even talk myself into him more by finding something physcially attractive about him.  He didn't help himself out at all. 

What threw me even more so than his appearance was his personality.  He did say that he was chatty and he did say he funny in a clownish sort of way.  I didn't know what that really meant or looked like until I saw him in person.  He talked loudly in a very quiet coffee shop.  He was nosey and I thought he was actually going to go up to a group of people (study group?) and ask them what they were doing.  He shouted across the room to the clerk to ask a question.  He poured an enormous amount of sugar into his coffee and was jittery and moved and talked the whole time.  He seemed somewhat arrogant in the way that he told my he didn't ever have to study because he was smart and how he was happy that he knew people who would be graduating ahead of him so that they could be the in to to get him a job after he was done.  I just... ugh... I was turned off more by his personality than his appearance. 

My friends thought that maybe he was just nervous.  That could be it.  But he did act the exact way that he described himself.  My friends told me that I should give him a second chance and keep the date with him.  I was planning on it.  However, as the night has gone on... I'm not sure if I want to.  I am having a hard time keeping an open mind.  And if I can't do that, what's the point in meeting him again?

One friend did ask me what I liked about him today.  I had to think a bit but... he was attentive to my son.  He did buy my coffee and my son's milk.  He did smile alot.  He was kind.  But honestly,  there isn't one person that I have gone out with that I couldn't describe that way.  What made him different was... I had high expectations going into this with him.  Whereas with all the others, Jesse included, I didn't expect too much or didn't know what to expect.  

So, if I had such high expectations and I really, really wanted this to work... why am I finding it so easy to talk myself out of him?  I wanted things to work with the professor and I talked myself into him.  Even when I wasn't sure, I stuck around to find answers.  Do I already have my answers and I don't need to stick around?  I really thought this was my "just around the corner"... why am I not trying to talk myself back into him? 

There are people who look great on paper.  There are people who look great in virtuality.  Neither are the actual reality.  Reality can bite sometimes.  And I went from a nervous, excited high today to a disappointed, shallow (because you're not what I expected and not what I think I want) low. 

Phew

I don't mean to sound over dramatic, but I kind of feel like a dodged a bullet today.  I couldn't be more relieved.

Today I had an appointment with a dermatologist.  I have this mole on my abdomen, near the bra line.  Over the years, it has grown and although it has kept a circular shape there is a variation in coloring.  This past winter, I asked my PCP to take a look at it and she did.  She said to her it looked fine, but added on that she wasn't the expert.  She referred me to a specialist and that was as far as that went.  I have no idea why I never went.  I'm guessing it was time or laziness... probably both.

In September a colleague of mine told me that she had to have a mole removed because it was precancerous.  This particular mole was one that was almost identical to one that I have, not on my abdomen, but on my thigh.  I remember laughing and commenting on how we like that mole on our leg when we noticed we share that commonality this spring.  However, I wasn't laughing anymore.  What I realized was how stupid I was for not having gone to see a dermatologist in the winter. 

So today was my day.  I actually had three that I wanted to get checked out.  Today was a day that I had been somewhat dreading for the past week since I made the appointment.  I wanted to stay positive, but the truth is... I had no idea what the outcome would be from my visit.  I, of course, was hoping for the best.  But you just never know.  Cancer doesn't care who you are, how old you are, or that you are the sole care taker for your child.  It doesn't discriminate. 

So when the doctor told me that all three looked just fine, I couldn't help but to hold back tears.  Tears of relief.  I told her how scary it was to come in not knowing what the findings could have been.  She told me that I should come back in a year, just so that two of them can be measured and monitored.  But she reassured me that I had nothing to worry about with those moles at this point in my life. 

Phew... I am so happy and thankful that I was given a clean bill of health today.  I know that is not the case for everyone... whether its cancer or some other ailing disease.  So not only am I happy and thankful.  I feel very lucky too. 

Something Sweet

Love can be many things... Passionate, Intense,  Romantic, Complicated, Genuine, Amazing, Patient, Challenging, Beautiful... And sometimes it is just simple and sweet. 

 

Around the Corner

I was talking to my mom a few weeks ago about the lack of any potential men in my life.  There have been none.  Zip.  Zero.  Notta.  Other than the professor, I have not been out on a date since April.  That's a long time.  The online action has been very quiet.  I have chatted with men, but it hasn't amounted to anything.  I could have had a date a couple of weeks ago, but I changed my mind and cancelled because we basically skipped the get-to-know-you small talk and I just didn't feel like wasting my time with someone that I wasn't so interested in and whom I didn't feel was so interested in me.  So... that's been it for me in the dating world.  However...

At the end of this conversation with my mother, she told me as any good, reassuring mother would, "Don't worry, he's just around the corner."  You know, I think she's right.  I don't know why I feel that she is, but I do.  Even though there is currently no one in my life or even knocking on the door, I can't help to feel like it is going to happen soon. 

About a month ago, I booked a vacation to Walt Disney World.  It's going to be just my son and myself. Honestly, I couldn't be happier that it's just the two of us.  There's a part of me that feels like it is going to be our last big hoo-ha.  And I want that moment (those 6 days actually) with my son.  It's going to be magical and I deserve to have and to hold that time with my son all to myself. 

So... I'm just putting it out there.  For no reason other than my mother told me so, I kinda do believe that he is just "around the corner." 

Maintaining

As I venture on further into this third year, and this new part of my life that I felt I entered this summer, I only realize now that I think what it's all about right now for me is maintaining. 

Maintaining, that is often harder than the process itself, isn't it?  I have known people who have dieted who would agree with that.  It's easier to loose the weight than to keep it off.  If you Google maintaining, guess what comes up first?  None other than erectile dysfunction.  I guess that means that there are many men who would also agree that maintaining something can be a difficult task.  And to those that do?  Well, in sports, we call them a dynasty! 

All I want is to be able to maintain what I have built and created for myself in these past few years.  Most certainly I would like to continue to learn and to grow and to evolve, but I feel that is a difficult task if you cannot maintain that foundation that you began to build yourself upon in the first place. 

I do feel different.  I have since the summer.  I'm not sure what it was that "changed" me other than perhaps time itself.  In some ways it is not a bad thing.  Certain feelings have dulled.  The pain and horrific memories are not as sharp.  But along with that other positive thoughts and feelings seemed to have dulled as well.  Case in point, my writing. I felt I haven't been able to find the right words for quite some time now.  My thoughts and feelings surrounding the blog posts don't seem to be as sharp either.  

I do not feel like I am lost.  I do not feel as though I have regressed.  I just feel that I am no longer under the blanket that covered me and protected me during the past two years.  As I just typed that last sentence, I was reminded of a quote that I had wanted to use in June when I first heard it, but never did.  I think this is where it belongs...

“Mom says each of us has a veil between ourselves and the rest of the world, like a bride wears on her wedding day, except this kind of veil is invisible. We walk around happily with these invisible veils hanging down over our faces. The world is kind of blurry, and we like it that way. But sometimes our veils are pushed away for a few moments, like there's a wind blowing it from our faces. And when the veil lifts, we can see the world as it really is, just for those few seconds before it settles down again. We see all the beauty, and cruelty, and sadness, and love. But mostly we are happy not to. Some people learn to lift the veil themselves. Then they don't have to depend on the wind anymore.”
― Rebecca Stead, When You Reach Me 

Back in June when I first read this, I thought that my veil had been lifted.  I saw all the cruelty and sadness in the world and yet, I still was able to see the beauty as well.  I think now that it was only the wind.  It was a harsh, cruel wind, but it was the wind nonetheless.

Perhaps the reason why I have felt so challenged lately is because I am being challenged.  I feel that my blanket, my veil has been removed.  It is and has been more difficult to remain optimistic at times and I have let that effect me. 

When there is a tragedy... 9/11, Hurricane Sandy... there is that brief time when you see the horrors that people endure.  But along with that you see the utter beauty of the human spirit as well in the way people band together and help each other.  But, after time, that fades.  We forget.  Things go back to normal. 

In my case, if I am now in that fading stage... I don't want to.  Even if that means the pain is less, I would rather maintain the sharpness of all my feelings.  I don't want to loose them.  I don't want to loose what I learned and appreciated only through having experienced what I had.  I don't want to go back to "normal", back behind the veil. 

 I want to be able to see the world as it is yet still to be able maintain the way in which I want to live my life in this crazy world of ours... optimistic and happy to be a part of it all.   

Slow and Not So Steady

Slow... that pretty much sums up my pace for the past few weeks.  I've been sick and I don't feel as if I am steadily getting better. 

Now, it's nothing serious and I am very grateful for that.  It began with allergies and then turned into a sinus infection which caused laryngitis and after a week of antibiotics, I am left with a lingering cough and allergy symptoms once again and the cycle continues.  What this equates for me is total exhaustion.  Ugh...

My health, my energy... I rely on that so much, not just to accomplish all that I need to do in a day, but for my mental health as well.  I enjoy physical activities and exercising.  I enjoy being on the go and not getting stuck in a humdrum weekday routine.  I have lots to do at home... not only household chores, but more importantly spending time and giving my son attention.  I have work to do and that I often bring home to work on at night.  I am a busy lady and I am really good at handling my many hats... but I just haven't been able to lately.  It's frustrating.  I feel crappy because of being sick, but also because I am not up to par with accomplishing that I am used to being able to do. 

My energy started dropping in the beginning of this month and now October is nearly over.  It's frustrating that it is taking so long to recoup. 

I'm whining, I know.  And I hate, hate, hate whining.  So I have decided that I really need to start being proactive or atleast I need to try something.  I have been wanting to change my diet (not drastically, but to eat healthier... adding in more proteins and veggies into my daily chows) and along with that I think I need to think about natural supplements to help boost my immune system.  It's only October, there's a long winter season ahead of me!  I really can't afford to get sick and I don't have the luxury of taking some time for myself to recover. 

So I am crabby.  I look awful.  I feel awful.  But, the good thing is that I know I will feel better.  When I do count my blessings, I do think about my health.  It's times like these when I really appreciate how lucky that I am that I am a healthy person.  There are so many people who have to deal with real issues of health and disease on a daily basis.  It's draining and it seems cruel and unfair.  I know... I've seen people I love lose battles from sicknesses, my husband of course, my uncle, my grandmother, and even my dogs... <3.

Perhaps I just need to count my health twice when I am counting my blessings.  And I am hoping that since I have finally found the extra time and sprinkle of energy to blog, that I am atleast on the track of feeling better once again.

A (B!+c#) Slap

Yah, that's right.  I got a b!+c# slap... from my gut.  That's what I get for not listening to it and it didn't hold back. 

Last week, I wrote about "My Epiphany" and if any of you read that and just shook your head when you got to the tale of the professor, well that head shakin' was deserved.  

Last week, my new found friend not only sustained a texting conversation with me for three days in a row, but initiated them!  By day two, it was obvious.  By day three, it became official when he asked me over to his apartment. 

What's wrong with this is that he told me that he didn't have time for a relationship with me.  When I called him out on it, he defended himself by saying that he didn't have more time now... exactly my point.  He didn't have any more time than he did before, yet... he made the time to converse with me much more than he did at any other point. 

If we had hung out as friends and if we found ourselves caught in a moment, I would have been okay with that.  But, not like this.  Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Because Mr. Professor, you are not so spectacular that I'd take what I can get from you.  Sex is easy.  I'd rather walk into a bar and find a one night stand than to take you up on that booty call. 

What surprised me the most was how this made me feel.  I've met some creepy guys out there online, who have sent me some skeethey messages and pictures and paid no heed.  But this was different.  He made me feel pretty awful actually.  He rejected me as someone with whom he wanted to have a serious relationship with (which was apparent by his making time for me...) only to offer up a forget the wine and dine hookup. 

After I said my final goodbye on Friday, I immediately felt better.  I even laughed about this with a friend.  However, to be quite honest, only hours before I was in tears because for some reason, this just really struck a chord with me. 

Lesson learned... trust your gut.  I never thought I knew for sure how I felt about this guy.  I kept him around because I was unsure.  When I have been unsure with any other, I walked away without a second thought.  I didn't know why I wouldn't or couldn't with him... maybe because he was that guy I wanted to date.  Anyways... thank you, thank you gut for making it clear to me that I need to trust you, even when I think I'm not sure, I really am deep down. 

(This is why my last post about appreciating the process is going to be one I need to refer back to and often... it's tough out there!  And oh, the stories I have, lol.)

One Must Climb the Tree...

To Get the Fruit

Yes, if any of you have watched Betrayal tonight, that's where I took it from.  I was going to title my post "The Process" but the moment I heard that quote, I knew it was a one that fit perfectly and seamlessly with my thoughts. 


The Process... the process that I often damn and that often damns me.  I was feeling its bitterness and it got the better of me a couple of weeks ago, with some lingering effects.  I've recently felt a deeper loneliness and with that came some feelings of self pity.  The reason?  It actually comes from the quote itself.  I feel like I have done so much... I have climbed so far.  So where is my fruit?  Why haven't I been able to reach it yet... why is it so damn high? 

Damn the process...

The process that has allowed me the pleasure and honor of raising an incredible little boy.  Not only have I been blessed with an amazing child, but I have been given the opportunity to create an extraordinary bond and connection with my son.  It is beyond words.

The process that has put me in all four corners of the United States within 3 years (Washington, California, Maine, and Florida... yup, just booked a trip to Disney for February) and has allowed me to visit plenty of other places such as Las Vegas, The Grand Canyon, Connecticut, South Carolina, Virginia, Washington DC, Lake George, Watkins Glen, and more trips than I can count back to my hometown to visit my family.

The process that has allowed me to strengthen my ties with my family.

The process that has allowed many new people to come into my life and to strengthen and enrich it with meaningful relationships and friendships.

The process that stripped me down to the most vulnerable of positions, but allowed for me to rebuild.  To find myself.  To be the person that I was meant to be.  And to realize that.  I am not a newly created person.  I am the person I always was... just better.  (And still a work in progress.)

The process that has motivated me to begin the process of organizing ideas and materials to create my own website business in selling/doing something that I love... writing curriculum and lessons. 

The process that taught me how to set a mouse trap in 4 seconds flat.  Or in other words, taught me that I am self sufficient and capable.  I only need someone for the important things in life... someone to walk with... to find joy, to laugh, to cry, to embrace... to love. 

The process that made me prioritize what really is most important.  The process that has alleviated so much stress in my life.

The process in which I found my voice.  My voice not only through written words, but spoken as well.  I am still working on verbally communicating my thoughts, but atleast I and others know that I do in fact have a voice... and thoughts worth sharing. 

The process that introduces me to the wrong person repeatedly, only to leave me with more "learning experiences" and often times a good story to tell. 

The process in which I have found a spiritual side to myself.  One in which I do believe and hold a strong faith. 

The process... that I often damn because it has been full of struggles, but one that I have found has put a  smile on my face and a happiness in my heart. 

That tree seems never ending and there are times like just recently when I have felt the exhaustion and frustration of that climb, but I am an active participant in my life and I refuse to stop and to wait.  The process taught me that one too.  There is a song that is out right now, "Wake me Up"by Avicii.  I immediately liked this song when I first heard it.  It's like Indie Rock meets Club... but when I really began to listen to the words, I couldn't disagree more.  If I had asked to be woken up when I am wiser and I am older... I would be missing out on so much.  Despite this uphill climb, this process... or should I rather say... it is because of the process that I feel like I am truly living.  I used to think that my "fruit" was my love, my amazing... but I take it back.  That is just one of the blessings that I will encounter and embrace along the way.  The "fruit" or the reward in the journey up is the life that is created... a full and rich life that wasn't wasted left waiting.

I am going to post that song "Wake Me Up" but I am also going to post a blog entry that I found today and enjoyed reading... I hope you read that as well.

Click here to link to the post I mentioned above.  

P.S.  I think I need to add on a new bead, even though I said I was done.  Appreciating the process is an important lesson to remember.  It can be very easy to lose sight of that when things don't seem to be going our way. 

My Epiphany

When I saw the rainbow out of my plane window on my way to Portland this summer, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  It wasn't just that I felt I was at the right place at the right time in that moment, it was more than that.  It was everything that had led me to that moment... my decisions, my thoughts, my feelings... my beliefs.  It was an incredible feeling to know that I essentially created that moment by trusting my gut.

I lost sight of that when I began to slope this week and felt sorry for myself.  Power.  Control.  I need to feel that I have that over my life.  I find comfort in having options and the freedom to make decisions for myself.  I also lost sight of the fact that at any given time during the past two and a half years, I always had what I needed to get me through even the most difficult of times.  Sometimes I had to look harder than others, but it was always there.  I had lost sight of what has gotten me this far.

I was at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens (one of my favorite places here) yesterday when I slowed down, opened my eyes, and had my epiphany.

It revolves around people.  People come and go in our lives constantly.  Some are permanent, some stay for awhile, and most leave.  It's not necessarily the length of the visit, but the impact that they have on you and that is something that cannot be predicted.  That is where the risk lies and the poetic beauty begins.

This past week two individuals invited themselves into my life.  Of course, I cannot predict what will develop and what their impact will be, but at this moment, when I am looking for something... I couldn't help but to want to accept these invitations for if nothing else, to open the door for the unknown opportunity of something.

My first... last Saturday, I sold my husband's dresser on Craigslist.  It was old and small.  It wasn't functional and I don't have extra room to store a dresser.  There had been so many times when he just wanted to put it out on the street, which made me feel better... but the fact that he never did, made it hard for me to do this at the same time.  I cannot keep everything.  There are some things I will not part with.  There are things I was able to get rid of with just a bit of angst.  And then there are those pieces like this that are somewhere in between and I am finding that as time moves on, so are these pieces.  They need to, but they are becoming less and less and it becomes more and more difficult in letting go.


There was actually a good amount of interest in this dresser and I decided to go in the order of who contacted me first.  But then I got a phone call.  They were #2 in line.  But when the man spoke to me, I liked him.  He had a warm voice. Come to find out, he and his wife were expecting their first child and they wanted to use the dresser as a changing table.  Perfect!  What better way to get rid of a sentimental piece than to know that it will become sentimental to the next owner as well.  I said yes and they came the next day.

They were a very cute, very nice couple.  I helped the man carry the dresser downstairs because of course his wife was pregnant.  And as he loaded up the truck, I talked to the woman.  In a matter of 10 minutes we shared our miscarriage stories, our connection to Rochester, different places we have lived in NYC, and my loss of my husband and her loss of her mother both two years ago.  As they left, she told me that she was a hairdresser and that she did hair from home.  Weirdly enough, that was the most out of place comment.  I took that as her way of inviting herself into my life.  It was just up to me to invite her in.  I have not yet done it, but I am going to contact her tomorrow.  Isn't it just a nice thought to think that perhaps my getting rid of Dale's dresser could lead me to meeting two seemingly wonderful people?

The second invitation came from The Professor.  I failed to mention this the other day in "The Professor" because at that time, I was planning on ignoring it.  When he told me that he couldn't give me the serious relationship that I wanted because of his time restraints, he did say that he was open to still getting to know me.  I didn't know what that meant, but I didn't think it was to my benefit, so I never responded to that.  Then came my epiphany and it changed my thoughts.

A time restricted, agenda free, nondate date when I don't have a date... that is what I asked him if that is what he was offering when I texted him today.  And yes he was.  My epiphany reminded me that I may not have control over meeting that person that I want to meet so very much, but I do have control over those other people who want in.  I do have power and I do have control.  I have also had what I needed at any given time... so maybe The Professor is not the one that I am looking for.  But maybe his place is best as a friend, which is what he offered to me.  And why not?  He was that person I wanted to meet, to a tee in fact.  He is interesting.  He is someone that I can get dressed up (which I love to do so much) to go out with, now not to impress, but because that is how he presents himself too.  He is still nice to look at and someone that boosts your ego sitting or walking with on a nondate night out.  I know he can't give me what I want and I know that I deserve all that I want and because of that, I feel like a switch has been turned off.  He will not impede my grueling determination to continue on with online dating and any other avenue to meet more men and generate more dates.  But when I don't have a date, I don't have to feel so alone because perhaps I may just have another :). I have no agenda... other than to find out why he is one of those people who is staying a bit longer.

It's paying attention to little things and having an open mind to help you see them.  Perhaps I am wrong, but I won't know that until things start to play out.  I can say that I felt happy today after my conversation with The Professor.  I never could determine where I stood or how I felt about him before... but it felt right and it made sense for him to be where he is now.  And as for the cute couple... I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.  A hairdresser... of all things!  You know how much help I need in that department!!! 

Reality

So in my last post I was embracing a few of the items that I found on the top 10 list for being single.  Of course I titled it "I Can Do What I Want."  Of course I mentioned my son, as I am not completely selfish and I am in no way a negligent parent.  Of course my babysitter had to cancel on me yesterday when I had plans to go out... only to remind me that in reality, I really can't do exactly what I want whenever I want.  I do have limitations.  And as I was hoping that my follow up post about embracing single hood would have been the one about strengthening friendships and I could have gone on about my fun night out with the girls last night, I was instead left very bummed and once again feeling very alone. 

This had been a tough week for me.  It's not that anything particular happened this week, it just seems that things had played out enough and that they all took they toll on me this week. 

Work:  I've been busy getting my lessons in order and adding on to them to make them more aligned with the new standards.  I am still tossing the idea of my "business" around in my head and because of that I am being extremely anal about the lessons, assessments, and resources that I am using in both.  I'm being so anal that its hindering my work and has put me in slow motion.  I'm tying to perfect and as a result, its taking me forever to get things done!

Working Out:  I decided that for as long as I can before it turns too cold, I was going to run, 2-3 times a week and them add one or two workouts from p90x.  I started off doing great.  I was running 3x a week, which is awesome for me.  But last week, I didn't go once.  I also haven't been working out at home either.  Doing the p90x program for 3 months this spring really made me like working out.  I felt GREAT! and I liked the way my body looked too.... I really need to faithfully commit again. 

Dating:  My last date was in the beginning of September.  I've been on 3 dates since May and they have all been with the same guy.  The very same guy that I said goodbye to earlier this week. 

A Quiet Mind:  I've decided that I like it when my head is thinking.  Lol, that sounds funny, but it's true.  I've stated before how I've had this peaceful lull about me ever since my trip.  However, I feel as if it is just a dull right now.  My posts have felt forced and uninspired.  I've had plenty of thoughts and ideas... but I still cannot seem to find the words to compliment them. 

The Uncontrollable:  I've been frustrated.  I've felt very frustrated because I feel very alone.  And I am really tired of it.  So I have been frustrated.  I have worked very hard at finding myself, becoming a better person... both inside and out, yadda, yadda, yadda... but at the end of the day, I only have so much control over a situation.  There needs to be two to tango and I just can't make it happen.  I can't create someone.  And like this post started... I do have limitations in where I can go and what I can do.  I'm not complaining about the limitations, but frustrated in that the freedoms I do have are not finding me what I want. 

Alone:  I did something the other night for the very first time.  I slept in the middle of my bed.  For over two years I have stayed on my side.  The other night I decided to embrace the fact that I sleep alone and decided to take over my bed.  It was a lonely feeling.  It's been too long.  I am not talking about sex.  Sex is easy.  It's been too long snuggling right up into someone and feeling a warm body against your back. 

So... all this kind of hit its mark on me this week.  And I felt sorry for myself, especially last night because I was so looking forward to dressing up, going out to one of my favorite neighborhoods, and spending time with friends.  Instead I bought a bottle of wine and I planned a night getaway next weekend with my sister.  We're meeting near Watkins Glen (gorgeous!) and will just find various fall festivities to do.  My son will have fun with his cousins and I'll get to see my big sis.  I also officially decided that I am going to Disney in February and I began some planning for that last night too. 

You know what?  It worked.  I had a great day today... I even had an epiphany!  

I Can Do What I Want

I've felt that this new phase of my life is meant for me to embrace, love, and accept my life... the good, the bad, and the ugly.  My "writer's block" has really prevented my from writing as much as I'd like and I haven't thought about and shared what I am and have been and hope to embrace with all that has, is, and will be coming my way.  But for now as I still am, I am going to focus on...

Embracing Singlehood...

No compromising.  No explaining or justifying.  No guilt. 

I love the feeling of being able to come and go as I please.  I love being able to spend all of the major holidays with my family.  I love being able to get up and go visit them whenever I want and for however long I want.  It is liberating to be able to make a decision that I want to do something and being able to do it.  The only person in the way is me.  I have taken day trips, long weekend trips, and long vacation trips that revolved around my schedule.  I had the freedom to choose where I wanted to go and to do what I wanted to do there.
*I do take my son into consideration and I do make decisions that revolve around him.  With him, it doesn't feel like I am compromising.  I love doing "his thing" with him too.  But when I am not, I have gotten over myself and don't feel guilty when I go out and do things without him.  We both deserve that time away from one another. 

I can go at my own pace.  I am not a natural domestic woman.  I like a clean home, but it is not always in tip top shape.  I do make sure that certain things are clean, like the floor my son plays on so much and I always do the dishes.  However, right now, I am still in the middle of putting away and organizing from my room swapping/redecorating fiasco.  There are some corners of my apartment that are pretty messy!  Does it bother me?  Yes.  But I am not going to break my back or stay up super late or not blog to tackle it quicker.  It's just me and my son.  He's not complaining, so I am content with having it take a week rather than a couple nights to sort out.  And I don't have to feel guilty about it nor do I need to explain myself.

Redecorating.... I have done quite a bit in my apartment in the past two years and other than an orange wall request from my son for his bedroom, I called all the shots.  This place is completely me.  It feels good.  I feel comfortable here... as I should, right? 



It was very difficult to admit that my new found single hood was both liberating and exhilarating.  I remind myself that I was right there with him in the storm of his depression and it was debilitating and consuming.  He chose what he chose.  And he left me by my self.  So when I tell myself that I am embracing what life has given to me and making it my own and making do what I need to find peace and happiness... that is a pill I can swallow.  And I can embrace. 

The Professor

Ahhh... The Professor.  Dr. Alluring.  The very intelligent, sophisticated, tall, blonde, blue eyed sexy man complete with an accent... that one, well I had to say "auf wiedersehen" to him the other day.  :(

He was indeed very alluring as he was very much the person that I had wanted to date.  I knew full well that didn't mean that he was the right person for me, but he did hit all the marks on my (shallow) wish list.  He was also the man that inspired the posts "Be Careful What You Wish For" and "The Poll."

In all fairness he was much more than my shallow list.  I really liked him and I wanted to get to know him better.  But he was guarded and somewhat closed off as he didn't get too personal.  That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, especially at first, because I didn't want to get too personal myself.  But I had met him at the end of July.  Then came my three week vacation, a hard time syncing schedules, and a week long business trip for him and voila, we saw each other 3 times in two months with very little communication in between. 

I liked him immediately, but as I posted previously, that feeling, that feeling, never struck me with him.  I had hoped that I would and as I got to know him more it would reveal itself to me.  But I never got to really know him and that doubt was always there.  That doubt was also there too because I was very cautious with him.  I was cautious because he was that man that I wanted to date and I didn't want to get caught up in that because I was very well aware that what I really want is so much more than that silly list.  I had wondered if my cautiousness was part of the problem.  Looking back on it now, I think it was partly my gut feeling... and it was right.

Two weeks ago, I told him that I liked him, but that I was very disappointed in how little I knew him after two months.  I asked if he felt too busy with work or if he had lost interest, etc. hoping to spark an honest response.  All I got was that he wanted to see me when he got back from his business trip.  And I told myself to trust that if he wants to see me, he will make it happen and I didn't pursue.  Needless to say, he didn't make it happen.

On Monday, I said goodbye.  I told him I felt like he wasn't interested and I was walking.  He responded, sounded somewhat confused.  I responded back with what was pretty much the conversation (textation) I had with Jesse at the very end.  He did text me yesterday to tell me that he was preoccupied with the business he is starting up and that he was limited with his time.  In all honesty, that's what I believed it to be, as opposed to someone else.

But is it bad timing yet again!?!?  I think that I believe now that there is never the perfect time, but the right time is the exact time that you are together in the moment.  You need to make it happen regardless of the outside factors.  As long as the interest and desire is mutually strong and you are both willing to make it work, you just have to do it.

What I took from my experience with him...

• I am capable of attracting a man that I want.  
• I think that for me, that feeling is one that I will have right away.
• I need a man that I can describe as warm.
• Google tells me that German men are rated the worst in bed... unfortunately I cannot state my opinion on that, but he was by far the best kisser.  I think Google may be wrong!
• An intelligent, sophisticated man isn't any better or smarter than the average joe when it comes to women and dating.
• I am really ready to find him.  Really.

A Cool Breeze

Not so long ago I posted "A Peaceful Lull" where I shared my feelings of being at ease.  That was only ten days ago and at that time I felt that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  I still do feel that way, however what is tugging at both my brain and my heart is the unknown.  Although I have built a world that I love and find so many happinesses, the reality is that I am still alone.  All of my learning and progress and building myself up has not yet led to finding someone.  It is disheartening and it is lonely.  But that doesn't compare to what I feel now that my son is fully aware that he does not have a daddy.

I have always valued, appreciated, and never undermined the importance of a father figure in any child's life.  Dale was wonderful with our son and I know that has played a huge role in my son's disposition.  However, his absence has left a hole.  A big hole that my son is now old enough to recognize.  My son always found it easy to immediately warm up to men.  However, I have gradually watched my son attach to men.  At first it was just family... my father, my brother, my brother-in-law and I appreciated their love and male influences on my son.  In the past few months though, I have noticed his attachment to other men.  Unfamiliar men.  For example, we went to my friend's Labor Day picnic and my son attached himself to the other fathers there.  He wanted to play with them more than the children, even me.  The worst was a couple of weeks of ago when we were at the playground.  There was a father and his son who was about 2 years old.  My son had very little interest in this little boy, but talked and talked to this man.  He wanted this man to play with him.  The man was very kind, but it left me feeling a bit uncomfortable because my son was so open to and with this stranger and all because he was a man.

There are still pictures of Dale around the apartment.  We still say our goodnight prayer to him each night.  And up until this summer, my son would only pay attention to these things off and on, mostly off.  Occasionally, he would ask about his father and where he was.  I told him from very early on that he father died and explained what that meant.  When our dog died in April, I think that gave my son a clearer idea of what dead means because he was old enough to understand even just a bit.  Now, it has become multiple times a week (at bedtime) when he will ask me where his daddy is.  He asks me why he can't see him.  He is old enough to recognize and understand that other children have fathers and that he doesn't.  He can't fully make all of the connections and understand why that is though.  It is heartbreaking.

My son is also old enough now where he can story tell.  He has an imagination and he can create and share stories.  I cannot count how many times in the past month or so that he has told me the story of making pancakes with his father.  He consistently sticks to this story and only changes the color of the pancakes that they made.  My son was 20 months... he has no concrete memory.  However, I have fully supported this story.  It's all he has that is his own.  I tell him that his father made delicious pancakes.  I tell him how he really like to make pies.  And then I ask him if he wants to make pancakes with me like he did with his father.  And we have.  We have made orange pancakes and blue pancakes.  Tomorrow we will make yellow.  

In July, I finally completed the photo album for my son of him and his father.  It had taken me so long because it was so difficult to do and I didn't feel pressure because my son rarely asked about him nor did he show much interest in looking at pictures or videos.  Tonight was the first time he looked at the book with me.  He had been asking me about his father again and I asked (as I always do) if he wanted to look at pictures and this time he said yes.  It was a double edged sword looking at that book with him.  It was so nice to look at the two of them together.  It was so nice to bring those memories back to life by sharing them with my son.  At the same time, the first thing my son said was, "I was a baby."   And he was.  And he still was with the last picture.  And that is extremely sad and painful. 

I can't help but to begin to feel a little impatient.  I can't help but to resent the unknown.  Even though I do know that there will be an amazing man joining our little family again one day, I know that time is precious.  I treasure my time with my son.  But just as he is fully aware that he doesn't have a father in his life, I am fully aware of that void that all of my love can never fill.  He grows older and smarter each day and he is missing out.  And that makes me very sad for him.

There is no way that the feelings that my son has and the feelings that I have about this situation is going to cause me to rush, force, or settle into any relationship.  In many ways I feel that I need to be more cautious, especially if it ever comes time to for them to meet.  Last year at this time, I was comfortable with a casual meet up in the early stages.  I cannot do that now.  My son will become attached too quickly and easily.  I can't help but to feel some pressure.


I want nothing more than to give my son the gift (to help create and support) of self acceptance... inner love and peace.  A father is a critical piece to that equation.  I want that for my son.  I also want for him to see and to be part of a dynamic family.  That piece is critical too.

I know things will happen.  But I do hope that they happen sooner than later.  My son and I are both feeling a cool breeze of absence.