Hope... Faith... Love

“Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.” 

Emily Dickinson

My husband could never tell me why he loved me.  What he could tell me was that he saw a light within me.  He could see my light.  I think that light was hope.  Hope is something that I always carried with me.  Hope is what allowed me to love, marry, and have a child with a man whom I knew to be suicidal.  Hope is what I clung to during the darkest times and the only thing that I had when I needed to step away from him.  My husband believed that he didn't possess his own light.  I believe that when the thought that he was losing me, he also believed that he was losing our son as well and with that his hope was gone.  What he failed to ever see was that hope lives within each of us.  He couldn't find his.  But it was there.  He shined from within, I could see his light.  Everyone could.  Everyone except him.  

On May 17, 2011 my world was shattered.  I was left with very little, but one thing that I didn't lose was hope.  Hope is what has taken on me on this journey from that dark, silent day in May to today.  Perhaps the greatest gift that hope has given to me is faith.  Faith that has been drawn from within.  A faith that I cannot express in words as a description but if you have been reading, I hope that you can find it in my experiences, my stories, my perspectives... my beliefs.  

***

Last month I wrote a few posts about hope.  I even wrote about adding on a new charm to my bracelet that signified hope.  When I wrote that post, I had yet to purchase that charm, which is something that I had never done.  I had not bought it yet because I didn't have the money to, but I posted it anyways because I planned on buying it this month.

It was about two weeks ago when I began to think more about hope.  Hope was not a lesson that I learned.  It was something that I always possessed and although it is significant, it didn't belong on my bracelet.  In its place I wanted one to represent faith or to believe, which stemmed from my having hope.  Initially, I had a difficult time deciding which bead would signify faith, but when I saw it, I just knew...

A mosiac... an art of creating a larger images from smaller pieces... a beautiful masterpiece.  It is what I have been trying to do with my life.  I have been gathering the old with the new and have been trying to create my own masterpiece in me.  Green... life, balance, nature, energy... my color to represent faith, the key to holding all of the pieces together... believing in what I have taken with me as lessons learned to help me along the way.

***

Faith, hope, and love... It is said that the greatest of these three is that of love.  I have faith and hope.  I also have love that I cannot discount.  I have the love of my son, my family, and my friends.  But there is a significant piece of love missing.  That is what I desire most for myself.  Because I know with that it will also fill what I want so much so for my son as well.

Love is what this has always been about.  I most often referred to it as my amazing.  That's why this process has been one of self discovery and improvement.  I know that I must be and feel my most amazing self to find the kind of love that I am searching for.  I have not yet found it, but... my head is heavy.  I have been thinking too much.  The pieces are in place, its time to let it all play out and in the meantime... let go.  Be light.  Enjoy life.  And have fun.  It's time...