Defined

"Mine is no longer center stage.  It is a part of me.  It has shaped me.  But it does not define me."

This is what I wrote yesterday in reference to my thoughts on where I stand and how I feel about the tragic ending to my marriage and to my husband's life.  To come to a point where I can say that it is no longer center stage is a huge step forward.  It used to be all that I thought about.  It used to be the driving force for decisions that I made and thoughts that I had.  It used to be something that I thought defined me... a woman whose husband committed suicide who was left alone with their child and the wounds and scares that come from not only that loss but from the life that she lived leading up to his death. 

I remember when Jesse first became a regular in my life and it came to the point where I had wanted to tell him about what happened to my husband and to explain how he died.  I felt that I needed to spill it all and tell him who I really was. Thankfully I didn't go that far because who I was was not the person sitting before him telling this story.  At the time though, I didn't recognize that.  Others did.  My friends and my therapist all told me to reveal bits and pieces when they seem appropriate to be shared.  I, on the other hand, wanted to "come clean" and let him know who I was so that if he was scared or didn't like me he could just move along now before later.  

I can see now how I really wasn't ready at that time for him or for a relationship.  There were definitely kinks that needed to be worked out and I definitely needed someone to bring them out because I was unaware of what they all were going to be.  But the person that I was, the person that I had to forgive is not who I was that day I did tell Jesse, just as I am no longer the same person who told him.  I have changed and grown since the time of my marriage and I have continued to do that every day ever since.  

I would never minimize my husband's life nor the life we shared together.  If anything my husband has been the most influencial person in my life.  And at this moment in time,  I cannot say that there is anything that I do not like about myself that was caused by any negative experience with him.  He has actually helped me to find peace and happiness within myself.  And that is how he lives on in  me.

Experiences shape us, but they do not define us... only if we let it.  What defines us?  "It isn't what we say or think that defines us, but what we do."  (Jane Austin, Sense and Sensibility)