My junior year in high school, I selected The Catcher in the Rye to do a deep thorough analysis of. I remember enjoying reading the book so much and I remember pouring my heart out in writing my thoughts and findings after reading it. I also remember what my teacher wrote on my paper after grading it... I had completely missed the point of the book.
The theme of the Catcher and the Rye was the loss of innocence. I couldn't relate to that book in that way or make connections because at the age of 16, I still had my innocence. I was very fortunate to be raised and to grow up with a family and within a community that made it easy to preserve innocence. I wouldn't argue with anyone who would say that in many ways I was raised in a bubble. That is not necessarily a good thing, but as a teacher now myself, I am exposed to far too many children whose innocence has been torn away from them at much too early of an age and between the two, I'd choose the bubble in a heartbeat.
As I grew older and went off to college, met and married my first love, moved away, lost a child, had a child and everything in between... I made many choices to expand my bubble, but never enough to make that bubble pop. First I was a professional, then I became a wife, and finally a mother... and I saw many trials and tribulations along the way, but I was always able to maintain an overall feeling of innocence. And in many ways I never felt like I truly grew up no matter how old I was and what life threw at me.
There are traits that I possess both interior and exterior that have made it easy for me to keep that bubble from popping. On the outside, I am very petite. I haven't changed or grown much since my late high school/college days. I am also "cute." On the inside, I can be very gullible. My natural instinct is to believe someone first and give them the benefit of the doubt. I also have a hard time lying. That doesn't mean I never attempt, I'm just not that good at it. Those traits allow people to treat me in a certain way, not necessarily always in a bad or negative way, but in a way that does make me feel more like a girl than a woman. Let me rephrase, I have allowed myself to be treated like a girl rather than a woman.
Even after Dale's death, I still held onto whatever shreds of innocence that were left. Fear? Perhaps I feared getting old (or feeling old). Perhaps it was for protection. Perhaps it was the fear of the unknown. I am not sure why I clung to that false illusion of innocence. But that is exactly what it was. I cannot sit here as a 34 year old woman and share the story of my life and claim innocence. I have lived too much, I have seen too much, and I have lost too much to still be able to fit under the bubble of innocence.
This was the Imagine Dragons song that I mentioned in my last post. This was the one that made me feel that part of what's next for me is to embrace my whole self. Demons... that's what Dale used to call them. I don't have demons inside of me, but I know darkness. I lived under the cloud of depression with Dale for many, many years. But I know of an even deeper darkness than that. There are many horrific things that happen to people. Unfathomably horrific. Watching the person you love above all others becoming consumed by his demons is unfathomably horrific. So, I know what hell is as I was living in my own.
Just yesterday I was in Manhattan. I was all dressed up and feeling pretty. It was gorgeous day. I couldn't help but to walk down the street with a smile as I was just... happy. At one point this song did come on my MP3 and as I walked down the street and looked at the people I passed I couldn't help but to think that not one of those people would probably have guessed that my past was my past. Just like the video shows, you never know the life that someone lives. That's a whole post in and of itself. But, my past is my past. And the reason that I can walk down the street with a genuine glow of happiness is because I have faced life head on with the strength and grace of a woman, not an innocent girl.
Perhaps its time now to reread The Catcher in the Rye... ;).
The theme of the Catcher and the Rye was the loss of innocence. I couldn't relate to that book in that way or make connections because at the age of 16, I still had my innocence. I was very fortunate to be raised and to grow up with a family and within a community that made it easy to preserve innocence. I wouldn't argue with anyone who would say that in many ways I was raised in a bubble. That is not necessarily a good thing, but as a teacher now myself, I am exposed to far too many children whose innocence has been torn away from them at much too early of an age and between the two, I'd choose the bubble in a heartbeat.
As I grew older and went off to college, met and married my first love, moved away, lost a child, had a child and everything in between... I made many choices to expand my bubble, but never enough to make that bubble pop. First I was a professional, then I became a wife, and finally a mother... and I saw many trials and tribulations along the way, but I was always able to maintain an overall feeling of innocence. And in many ways I never felt like I truly grew up no matter how old I was and what life threw at me.
There are traits that I possess both interior and exterior that have made it easy for me to keep that bubble from popping. On the outside, I am very petite. I haven't changed or grown much since my late high school/college days. I am also "cute." On the inside, I can be very gullible. My natural instinct is to believe someone first and give them the benefit of the doubt. I also have a hard time lying. That doesn't mean I never attempt, I'm just not that good at it. Those traits allow people to treat me in a certain way, not necessarily always in a bad or negative way, but in a way that does make me feel more like a girl than a woman. Let me rephrase, I have allowed myself to be treated like a girl rather than a woman.
Even after Dale's death, I still held onto whatever shreds of innocence that were left. Fear? Perhaps I feared getting old (or feeling old). Perhaps it was for protection. Perhaps it was the fear of the unknown. I am not sure why I clung to that false illusion of innocence. But that is exactly what it was. I cannot sit here as a 34 year old woman and share the story of my life and claim innocence. I have lived too much, I have seen too much, and I have lost too much to still be able to fit under the bubble of innocence.
This was the Imagine Dragons song that I mentioned in my last post. This was the one that made me feel that part of what's next for me is to embrace my whole self. Demons... that's what Dale used to call them. I don't have demons inside of me, but I know darkness. I lived under the cloud of depression with Dale for many, many years. But I know of an even deeper darkness than that. There are many horrific things that happen to people. Unfathomably horrific. Watching the person you love above all others becoming consumed by his demons is unfathomably horrific. So, I know what hell is as I was living in my own.
Just yesterday I was in Manhattan. I was all dressed up and feeling pretty. It was gorgeous day. I couldn't help but to walk down the street with a smile as I was just... happy. At one point this song did come on my MP3 and as I walked down the street and looked at the people I passed I couldn't help but to think that not one of those people would probably have guessed that my past was my past. Just like the video shows, you never know the life that someone lives. That's a whole post in and of itself. But, my past is my past. And the reason that I can walk down the street with a genuine glow of happiness is because I have faced life head on with the strength and grace of a woman, not an innocent girl.
Perhaps its time now to reread The Catcher in the Rye... ;).
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