I am at a crossroad.
If my life were a book I would say that Part I would consist of my childhood days. Part II would have begun when I went off to college. That's where I met my husband and my life with him began. Part III began the day he died. Just moments ago when I began to write this, I was thinking that I was about to turn to a new chapter in Part III, but that doesn't feel quite right. I think these past two years have been huge. They have been so significant that a part of my life dedicated to them would not be unjustified. So now I am at a crossroad. I feel that it is time to move on to the next part of my life.
I would have thought that the next part of my life would have begun when I had someone to begin it with. That's not true. And as I have shared in my last post, that is what I desire most. However, that doesn't mean that meeting someone is more significant than anything else in my life. I knew that Part III was going to be all about healing. It was going to be about self discovery and finding myself. I feel that I have done that. I have found my core and I have confidence it in. It's time to move on.
What is both equally exhilarating and frightening about Part IV is that I have absolutely no idea what it is all about. I can't give this part a title... it will have to wait until the end to be named. I am hoping though that this time is going to dance around what I wrote in my last post... "Let go. Be light. Enjoy life. Have fun." Even though I am happy and I do enjoy life, I have been dealing with very heavy issues. It really is time to let them go. I need to release them from my head and my heart.
Moving on... its a scary thing, whether or not you know what you are moving on to. When I look back at these past 2+ years of my life, especially through this blog, I realize that one thing that I needed was reassurance. I needed a place to express myself, but I also needed to reassure myself of my thoughts and feelings. I can see that when I remember and feel myself repeat certain things over (and over) again. But I needed that. I needed to feel the comfort of hearing things repeatedly. There were times more recently when I feel like my posts were pulling away, that they didn't belong in Part III, but I would try and balance them out by writing another post to offset it.
What do I mean by that? One post in particular that comes to mind is "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen." When I think about it, I am kind of embarrassed by it. I have wanted to remove it, but I haven't for this reason... It is childish, it is silly... It was light. Even though what inspired it was an event that didn't make me happy and I had plenty of analytical thoughts (I just can't get rid of those!), my behavior was just different. It was as if I had let my hair out... does that make any sense? It felt good.
I have often felt guilty when I would write post after post and it seemed that mentioning my husband or that I missed him or I don't even know was left out and it made me feel guilty. Guilty that I could write about more trivial things. But I need to let go of that. It has been over two years. I know that things will pop up and I will want to mention something in relation to him or my past. But... I feel now that its okay if long spans of time pass without doing so. That doesn't mean that I don't think about him or that I don't miss him or that I don't love him... It means that I have finally, finally been able to sort through everything and have been able to put all that I need to in a special place and contain it. It does not need to leak into or feed into every part of my life. It does not define me. I am comfortable with that now and it is time to move on to the next part of my life. And one thing that I need to stop doing is stop calling him my husband. He was and I will remember him as, but I have to let that go too. Part of my being anonymous for this entire time was to preserve privacy and honor, mainly for him and for my son. However, if I no longer will be referring to him as my husband, I feel its dishonorable to call him anything other than his name. Dale. My husband's name was Dale. A name lives on and that is what I will from now on call him.
Without even realizing it, I have already moved into it somewhat with some of my latest posts. I can't say that I am entirely happy to be looking back now at Part III, but I am looking forward to what Part IV has in store for me. It is time.
If my life were a book I would say that Part I would consist of my childhood days. Part II would have begun when I went off to college. That's where I met my husband and my life with him began. Part III began the day he died. Just moments ago when I began to write this, I was thinking that I was about to turn to a new chapter in Part III, but that doesn't feel quite right. I think these past two years have been huge. They have been so significant that a part of my life dedicated to them would not be unjustified. So now I am at a crossroad. I feel that it is time to move on to the next part of my life.
I would have thought that the next part of my life would have begun when I had someone to begin it with. That's not true. And as I have shared in my last post, that is what I desire most. However, that doesn't mean that meeting someone is more significant than anything else in my life. I knew that Part III was going to be all about healing. It was going to be about self discovery and finding myself. I feel that I have done that. I have found my core and I have confidence it in. It's time to move on.
What is both equally exhilarating and frightening about Part IV is that I have absolutely no idea what it is all about. I can't give this part a title... it will have to wait until the end to be named. I am hoping though that this time is going to dance around what I wrote in my last post... "Let go. Be light. Enjoy life. Have fun." Even though I am happy and I do enjoy life, I have been dealing with very heavy issues. It really is time to let them go. I need to release them from my head and my heart.
Moving on... its a scary thing, whether or not you know what you are moving on to. When I look back at these past 2+ years of my life, especially through this blog, I realize that one thing that I needed was reassurance. I needed a place to express myself, but I also needed to reassure myself of my thoughts and feelings. I can see that when I remember and feel myself repeat certain things over (and over) again. But I needed that. I needed to feel the comfort of hearing things repeatedly. There were times more recently when I feel like my posts were pulling away, that they didn't belong in Part III, but I would try and balance them out by writing another post to offset it.
What do I mean by that? One post in particular that comes to mind is "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen." When I think about it, I am kind of embarrassed by it. I have wanted to remove it, but I haven't for this reason... It is childish, it is silly... It was light. Even though what inspired it was an event that didn't make me happy and I had plenty of analytical thoughts (I just can't get rid of those!), my behavior was just different. It was as if I had let my hair out... does that make any sense? It felt good.
I have often felt guilty when I would write post after post and it seemed that mentioning my husband or that I missed him or I don't even know was left out and it made me feel guilty. Guilty that I could write about more trivial things. But I need to let go of that. It has been over two years. I know that things will pop up and I will want to mention something in relation to him or my past. But... I feel now that its okay if long spans of time pass without doing so. That doesn't mean that I don't think about him or that I don't miss him or that I don't love him... It means that I have finally, finally been able to sort through everything and have been able to put all that I need to in a special place and contain it. It does not need to leak into or feed into every part of my life. It does not define me. I am comfortable with that now and it is time to move on to the next part of my life. And one thing that I need to stop doing is stop calling him my husband. He was and I will remember him as, but I have to let that go too. Part of my being anonymous for this entire time was to preserve privacy and honor, mainly for him and for my son. However, if I no longer will be referring to him as my husband, I feel its dishonorable to call him anything other than his name. Dale. My husband's name was Dale. A name lives on and that is what I will from now on call him.
Without even realizing it, I have already moved into it somewhat with some of my latest posts. I can't say that I am entirely happy to be looking back now at Part III, but I am looking forward to what Part IV has in store for me. It is time.
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