This weekend, I drove out to see my parents since I had an extra day off of school for Memorial Day. This drive is, at best, an 8 hour drive. My son is so good throughout all 8, 9, 10+ hours that we have endured on these trips that we have taken quite regularly in this past year. However, his time is spent watching DVDs, looking at books, playing with toys, eating, or napping. We have started to have more discussions... I mean we talk a bit more about animal sounds and colors and shapes and we look for "diggers" along the roadsides, lol. My point is that during these drives, I have a lot of time to think!
On Saturday morning, when we left, my thoughts were taken by memories of my dog. It is impossible to not think about my husband since he was so intertwined in the memories and times spent with our dog(s). It is nice to think back on fond memories. It is also painful too. My mind started to wonder and I teetered very close to the question that I have honestly not gone to throughout everything that has happened to me in this past year... "Why me?" I almost went there. Almost.
What stopped me? I have to honestly say, my faith. I say that not aligning myself with any particular religion, although I would say that I am a Christian. (I grew up Catholic, but I cannot really call myself a Catholic.) I believe that my husband (and dog) are both at peace now. I believe that I have not been left here alone, but rather have been taken care of in these most difficult of times. I believe that despite how my marriage ended up, that I did in fact marry the man I was supposed to marry. I had so many happy memories to prove that. I also have an amazing son to prove that as well. I am a blessed person.
Amazing... this is what I also thought about on my drive. I have mentioned several times that I am looking for amazing and that I am optimistic in that something amazing is waiting for me (and my son). What I realized is that amazing was staring at me, right in the back of my head. Literally. My amazing son.
I have accepted that I cannot change what has happened in our lives. I have had to accept that this is in fact, now our lives. Having said that, I have to admit that I have an amazing relationship with my son. There is a bond that surfaced between us because of what has happened to us. Even though he is so young and doesn't understand, he still knows that things are different. He knows that it's just me, that it's just the two of us. We are an absolute team and it's amazing!
I can't say that being a single mom has been overly difficult. (This goes without saying the great loss we both endure with the absence of my husband.) On a typical day, I wake up before my son and take a shower. By the time I am done, he has either crawled out of bed or I have to go in and wake him. Most of the time, he wakes up in a good mood and even if he's not in a good mood, he is still so easy to get out of whatever mood he is in. I change him and then off to the kitchen for breakfast. My son does not watch too much t.v. but he does in the morning. I do use it as a babysitter because I do have to get ready for work. Sometimes he does play on his own, but Elmo, Dora, and Mickey have been great helps too. Then off to work/school we go. We always hold hands down the stairs and out to the car. On most days, he carries my lunch bag for me. We talk about the weather, the sun in our eyes as we walk out of our house, or the garbage truck that is on our street. On our drive to school, we pass by a construction company, so we always see cement trucks and on a good day, we will see diggers. He screams and cheers every time that we do! Nowadays, he is also teasing me with his pacifier, which he keeps in his pocket everyday to use only for naps. He knows I don't like that thing and that he shouldn't have it, really at all, so he like to pop it in and out and laugh. And so I can't help but to laugh too. When we get to school, we either walk hand in hand or I will carry him into school. I give him a quick peck on the forehead and leave. He's good. He let's me go without crying. He just does his flirty thing so that his teacher will come over and greet him with a hug, lol. After work, sometimes I run errands like go the doctor, start laundry, go grocery shopping, or running, it depends. Somedays I pick him up right away. Either way, we go home, make dinner and eat, play (playground, ride bike/scooter, play sports, build castles, play dough, jump on the bed (oh yes he does and I do too), or our latest is making funny faces at one another and this can last a good twenty minutes, between all the giggles) and then it's bath time and bed time at about 7:30. I do sit in his room with him until he falls asleep. It's just something that I started doing last year and I found it to be a comfort for both of us. However, if it's a night he cannot sleep, he gets 45 minutes and I'm gone, lol. But, once he's asleep, it's my time to do dishes, mop, clean, pay bills, work, paint, blog, etc., etc., etc... same thing everyone else does. On weekends I try to do one big thing with him like go the zoo, aquarium, Manhattan, play date, or Sesame Street (now that it's spring/summer). The other day is mostly doing maintenance things that I can't do during the week and squeezing in time for the park or playground or both.
My days are not atypical. I just truly enjoy them. Despite not going to sleep before 11:00 (ever these days), I have lots of energy. There are days during the week that I go the gym, sometimes go out for dinner, and even had a real date (lol... hopefully I will be ready to get back out there again, again soon). But I think its all in the attitude. I don't ever feel like I have to do something and that makes such a big difference. I do it because I want to. So I don't complain about all the things I have to do because I know I don't have to do anything. I also don't complain because this is my life. There were choices that were made for me, but I have made my own choices to (like to stay in NYC and raise my son without any family support nearby). I don't want to complain about such things because this is my life and I am truly grateful for it! My son definitely has his days and his moments, but generally speaking, he is a really good kid. He makes my job so much easier. He makes me laugh consistently on a daily basis and he has a smile that melts my heart through and through.
The hardest part, as I have said many, many times, is not being able to share all of the wonderful moments. But I am fortunate enough to have those precious moments with my son and even more fortunate to recognize and appreciate the small things that add up to a whole lotta happiness. My son is my amazing!
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