One year ago from this day was my husband's funeral. I do not want to walk down the road of reliving details from that day. However, one thing that I did do on this day was that I gave the eulogy. Preparing for it was extremely difficult. What do you say when it is your final words? How do you honor a life in only a few minutes? How do you stand up in front of a group a people, no matter if they are family and friends, and speak about your husband at his funeral?
It was something that I felt I absolutely both needed and wanted to do. And I did it. I got choked up a few times, but recomposed myself and made it through. I believe it was my desire to say these words for and to my husband more than any other reason that made it possible for me to get through it. At the time, I was just grateful that I made it through it. Looking back on it now, I am so happy that I was able to share my thoughts through my words with all of the people that had loved and cared about my husband. Especially in the manner in which he died, I believe there were so many unsettled feelings and questions. I had wanted to honor him and his memory by speaking words that were honest and genuine.
That night I received a visit. Over the course of the past year, I believe that I had a few visits. I have had many dreams, but these "visits" which also occurred to me during my sleep feel very, very different. I have not had one in quite a long time, but on the night of the funeral, I believe to the very core of my being, that I had a visit.
I was at the bottom of a hill with my son and my husband's best friend from high school. I am not sure what my son was doing, but he had the full attention of me and this friend. We were all at peace and were able to enjoy the moment that we were in. Then I saw him. Up on the hill stood my husband. He was wearing jeans and a light blue sweater. I knew this outfit very well! He stood at the top and kept his distance, not coming down any closer to us. When his friend saw him, in his typical way, he waved and waved like a big dork, and was all smiles. I looked up at him and could feel my smile shoot out from within, I beamed. When my husband saw us and our reactions, he gave us a little head nod. It seemed as if he took one last good look at us and as he turned to walk back up the hill I could see him wipe a tear from his eye.
That was my visit. What this meant to me was that my husband wanted to check in and see if our son and I were okay, that we were taken care of. This friend, who does not live close enough to us to have a daily presence in our lives, I believe is someone that my husband truly believed in as a genuine, kind, good man. I think he just represented all the people who were there, are there, and will continue to be there in our lives to support and love my son and myself. This visit was so simple, no words were said, yet is said so much. It was perfect and I am thankful for my husband for giving that to me.
It was something that I felt I absolutely both needed and wanted to do. And I did it. I got choked up a few times, but recomposed myself and made it through. I believe it was my desire to say these words for and to my husband more than any other reason that made it possible for me to get through it. At the time, I was just grateful that I made it through it. Looking back on it now, I am so happy that I was able to share my thoughts through my words with all of the people that had loved and cared about my husband. Especially in the manner in which he died, I believe there were so many unsettled feelings and questions. I had wanted to honor him and his memory by speaking words that were honest and genuine.
That night I received a visit. Over the course of the past year, I believe that I had a few visits. I have had many dreams, but these "visits" which also occurred to me during my sleep feel very, very different. I have not had one in quite a long time, but on the night of the funeral, I believe to the very core of my being, that I had a visit.
I was at the bottom of a hill with my son and my husband's best friend from high school. I am not sure what my son was doing, but he had the full attention of me and this friend. We were all at peace and were able to enjoy the moment that we were in. Then I saw him. Up on the hill stood my husband. He was wearing jeans and a light blue sweater. I knew this outfit very well! He stood at the top and kept his distance, not coming down any closer to us. When his friend saw him, in his typical way, he waved and waved like a big dork, and was all smiles. I looked up at him and could feel my smile shoot out from within, I beamed. When my husband saw us and our reactions, he gave us a little head nod. It seemed as if he took one last good look at us and as he turned to walk back up the hill I could see him wipe a tear from his eye.
That was my visit. What this meant to me was that my husband wanted to check in and see if our son and I were okay, that we were taken care of. This friend, who does not live close enough to us to have a daily presence in our lives, I believe is someone that my husband truly believed in as a genuine, kind, good man. I think he just represented all the people who were there, are there, and will continue to be there in our lives to support and love my son and myself. This visit was so simple, no words were said, yet is said so much. It was perfect and I am thankful for my husband for giving that to me.
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