Tomorrow I will be saying yet another goodbye. This time its a good one. A positive one. It is one that shows that I have learned, grown, progressed, and have enough confidence and support to stand alone. Tomorrow I will be saying goodbye to my therapist.
Despite this being a good goodbye, it is one that will be emotional nonetheless.
I began seeing my therapist in March of 2011. The very first time I went, I wasn't alone. My husband and I went together. We realized that our problems were bigger than we were and we needed help. However, we only made it to one session together. The morning of our second session is when my husband hit a low and unfortunately a low that was just the beginning. I continued to see my therapist alone because she had met my husband and even though it was only one time, it made me feel more comfortable seeing someone who knew him.
I saw her weekly for two months leading up to my husband's death. She was with me through all of the turmoil and all of the trauma. I saw her the day after his death when she focused solely on me and did everything she could to make sure that I knew that it wasn't my fault. I saw her in the days and weeks that immediately followed when I tried to sort things out and make sense of everything and of life. That first summer I drove back and forth 8 hours between NYC and my parent's house more times that I can remember because I didn't want to miss a session. I continued to see her religiously and weekly up until this past January. It took me that long to feel completely comfortable going down to biweekly sessions.
Ironic that since January, I feel as if I have had hit lots of bumps in the road. Perhaps its because of that and my confidence in my own ability to handle tough situations that have led me to the point where I no longer feel as if I need to go any more. I have come to a point where I feel as if I have outgrown it/her. I no longer look forward to going. It seems more like a chore. That's how I knew that it was time.
She was the first therapist that I had ever gone to. People tend to keep this hush hush. I understand why. But I wish the stigma wasn't there. Perhaps my husband would have been more open to seeking help. I have to admit that I don't broadcast the I go either, but I would never deny it. It did so much good for me. I also think it took a big burden off of my friends and family too. They were of course there for me and I knew they'd listen if I needed an ear morning, day, and night. But, having a therapist gave me room so that I could try and focus on other topics outside of my pain and confusion. That was so important, to keep some normalcy in my other relationships.
So that is what my therapist did for me. It wasn't long after my husband's death when I could see our relationship change. She listened, she talked, she cheered for me and it was/is all genuine. Since the majority of the people with whom I am closest too are not physically close, it was nice to have someone that I could see, someone that I could trust and someone that I knew wanted the best for me. In the past year and a half, I have created stronger ties and relationships with women whom I now consider friends, good friends. And that is such a nice feeling to have. But in those beginning weeks and months, the people in my life were my son, our sitter, and my therapist. My world has expanded and I now see the irony in that the two people that were the most significant to come into my life during that rough time, I am saying goodbye to on consecutive days. Yes, today was my sitter's last day. :(
I am not completely closing the door. If I ever start to feel overwhelmed, I will not hesitate to seek council again. At any rate, I would like to go back a visit in 3 or 6 months just to touch base. I hope by then there will be some happy news to share! However until then, my last assignment... to think back on how much I have grown and changed since first seeing her. I am not sure I know where to begin. But it has inspired me to begin a new "Throwback Thursday" post where I do go back to older ones and reflect on them. Because of course, this blog is all about me. :)
Despite this being a good goodbye, it is one that will be emotional nonetheless.
I began seeing my therapist in March of 2011. The very first time I went, I wasn't alone. My husband and I went together. We realized that our problems were bigger than we were and we needed help. However, we only made it to one session together. The morning of our second session is when my husband hit a low and unfortunately a low that was just the beginning. I continued to see my therapist alone because she had met my husband and even though it was only one time, it made me feel more comfortable seeing someone who knew him.
I saw her weekly for two months leading up to my husband's death. She was with me through all of the turmoil and all of the trauma. I saw her the day after his death when she focused solely on me and did everything she could to make sure that I knew that it wasn't my fault. I saw her in the days and weeks that immediately followed when I tried to sort things out and make sense of everything and of life. That first summer I drove back and forth 8 hours between NYC and my parent's house more times that I can remember because I didn't want to miss a session. I continued to see her religiously and weekly up until this past January. It took me that long to feel completely comfortable going down to biweekly sessions.
Ironic that since January, I feel as if I have had hit lots of bumps in the road. Perhaps its because of that and my confidence in my own ability to handle tough situations that have led me to the point where I no longer feel as if I need to go any more. I have come to a point where I feel as if I have outgrown it/her. I no longer look forward to going. It seems more like a chore. That's how I knew that it was time.
She was the first therapist that I had ever gone to. People tend to keep this hush hush. I understand why. But I wish the stigma wasn't there. Perhaps my husband would have been more open to seeking help. I have to admit that I don't broadcast the I go either, but I would never deny it. It did so much good for me. I also think it took a big burden off of my friends and family too. They were of course there for me and I knew they'd listen if I needed an ear morning, day, and night. But, having a therapist gave me room so that I could try and focus on other topics outside of my pain and confusion. That was so important, to keep some normalcy in my other relationships.
So that is what my therapist did for me. It wasn't long after my husband's death when I could see our relationship change. She listened, she talked, she cheered for me and it was/is all genuine. Since the majority of the people with whom I am closest too are not physically close, it was nice to have someone that I could see, someone that I could trust and someone that I knew wanted the best for me. In the past year and a half, I have created stronger ties and relationships with women whom I now consider friends, good friends. And that is such a nice feeling to have. But in those beginning weeks and months, the people in my life were my son, our sitter, and my therapist. My world has expanded and I now see the irony in that the two people that were the most significant to come into my life during that rough time, I am saying goodbye to on consecutive days. Yes, today was my sitter's last day. :(
I am not completely closing the door. If I ever start to feel overwhelmed, I will not hesitate to seek council again. At any rate, I would like to go back a visit in 3 or 6 months just to touch base. I hope by then there will be some happy news to share! However until then, my last assignment... to think back on how much I have grown and changed since first seeing her. I am not sure I know where to begin. But it has inspired me to begin a new "Throwback Thursday" post where I do go back to older ones and reflect on them. Because of course, this blog is all about me. :)
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