As is... that is why that guy got to me. All that I had thought and felt and had wanted to bring into dating 9 months ago when I first met him, it all seemed to fit. It all seemed to work, almost effortlessly. I remember having a conversation about him with my sister in the early days of having met him and she told me that he wasn't the one because I didn't feel nervous with him. I told her I wasn't thinking that far ahead (it was literally only weeks!) but that what I felt seemed better... relaxed and right, home in a way. Back in October when I first wrote about our first date, I described him as warm and there was not a better word that I could think of to describe him at the point. Warm, inviting, comforting... a place I wanted to be. I could've melted with him.
Although I could have and wanted to look down the road a bit with him, I was very much able to stay in the moment with him. That meant so much to me because I didn't want to lose the appreciation for what was in front of me in the present time. I felt safe in doing that and everything that he had said made it easy for me to believe that there was no need to rush anything and that we were exactly where we were supposed to be. I honestly felt that.
I honestly felt as if I presented myself to him as is. I didn't try to pretend to be anything that I wasn't or anyone that I thought he wanted. There were a few times when I felt a bit insecure, but I bit my lip and he never made me feel that I didn't measure up, they were just my own insecurities. There were times when I didn't feel like talking much and he agreed it wasn't awkward and on our third date we sat in a bar watching a Yankee's game with his arm around me, drinking beer, eating fries, and not saying a whole heck of a lot, but enjoying every minute still getting to know him in a different way. There were the cheesy poetic little sayings I used to text his way. The ones where I wondered afterwords if I shouldn't have, but he ate them up. He told me he thought I was amazing. I never felt judged by him. I felt accepted. I felt like I could have opened up completely and share more and more of myself without worry of rejection. And I did when I shared my story with him (he was the first and it was hard to tell him) and my physical self with him as well. But it was before I even did that when I did feel love for him. It was the first time he had come to my apartment. I was nervous to have in him in my home, with my (sleeping) son, in the very apartment I shared with my husband. I didn't know what to expect, but I know that I didn't expect to feel as if he was not out of place. It seemed as though he belonged and he said himself he felt comfortable with me there. That night, I felt such gratitude for this man who made everything seem easy and right despite so much against it, that I felt love for him. I didn't fall in love, but I loved him for who he was. I didn't tell him that, I didn't want to freak him out. But that very weekend, when he was out of town, he texted me to tell me that he just had this amazing feeling about me and had texted me to tell me that he was starting to feel love for me. I thought he was amazing. But it was so early, I just wasn't sure yet if he was my amazing.
Then... life happened. I'm not sure what part played what role, but things changed. And I had to walk away. Even when I did though, I always had the feeling that there were things we needed to take care of as individuals. I took advantage of the time alone to go out and meet more men. I explored more areas of myself and my healing. I didn't mind him doing what needed to be done on his end either, as long as it brought him back to the warm and amazing man I thought him to be. I honestly thought that the timing just wasn't right, but that there would come a time when it was right once again. Three months later and I had to just follow my heart. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was the exception and I was going to get truth and understanding.
I do understand now.
Although I could have and wanted to look down the road a bit with him, I was very much able to stay in the moment with him. That meant so much to me because I didn't want to lose the appreciation for what was in front of me in the present time. I felt safe in doing that and everything that he had said made it easy for me to believe that there was no need to rush anything and that we were exactly where we were supposed to be. I honestly felt that.
I honestly felt as if I presented myself to him as is. I didn't try to pretend to be anything that I wasn't or anyone that I thought he wanted. There were a few times when I felt a bit insecure, but I bit my lip and he never made me feel that I didn't measure up, they were just my own insecurities. There were times when I didn't feel like talking much and he agreed it wasn't awkward and on our third date we sat in a bar watching a Yankee's game with his arm around me, drinking beer, eating fries, and not saying a whole heck of a lot, but enjoying every minute still getting to know him in a different way. There were the cheesy poetic little sayings I used to text his way. The ones where I wondered afterwords if I shouldn't have, but he ate them up. He told me he thought I was amazing. I never felt judged by him. I felt accepted. I felt like I could have opened up completely and share more and more of myself without worry of rejection. And I did when I shared my story with him (he was the first and it was hard to tell him) and my physical self with him as well. But it was before I even did that when I did feel love for him. It was the first time he had come to my apartment. I was nervous to have in him in my home, with my (sleeping) son, in the very apartment I shared with my husband. I didn't know what to expect, but I know that I didn't expect to feel as if he was not out of place. It seemed as though he belonged and he said himself he felt comfortable with me there. That night, I felt such gratitude for this man who made everything seem easy and right despite so much against it, that I felt love for him. I didn't fall in love, but I loved him for who he was. I didn't tell him that, I didn't want to freak him out. But that very weekend, when he was out of town, he texted me to tell me that he just had this amazing feeling about me and had texted me to tell me that he was starting to feel love for me. I thought he was amazing. But it was so early, I just wasn't sure yet if he was my amazing.
Then... life happened. I'm not sure what part played what role, but things changed. And I had to walk away. Even when I did though, I always had the feeling that there were things we needed to take care of as individuals. I took advantage of the time alone to go out and meet more men. I explored more areas of myself and my healing. I didn't mind him doing what needed to be done on his end either, as long as it brought him back to the warm and amazing man I thought him to be. I honestly thought that the timing just wasn't right, but that there would come a time when it was right once again. Three months later and I had to just follow my heart. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was the exception and I was going to get truth and understanding.
I do understand now.
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